I have to accept that I was a the “Crazy Ex Girlfriend”

I was a fucking clichΓ©. For the first time in my life. A fucking clichΓ©. Guys get to call their ex crazy all the time only this time i actually was/am.

I was starting to spiral out with this idea that my ex was my twin flame and we had a special telepathic connection because i kept hearing him tell me telepathic messages. Like the song he sent me.

And i kept contacting him (which isn’t like me) thinking that that we could repair things. And no matter how much he hurt me, cause he did, i kept walking away and coming back and walking away. Everytime he hurt me i would walk away but then i would come back for some reason i could not understand. And i, in turn, was probably hurting him.

Because of the connection (the voices that I thought was him) i couldn’t walk away and make a clean break. This may have even scared him. And i take responsibility in all my confusion and madness for that.

I guess the fact that he has been blessed with a beautiful relationship and child …… Makes me think that our relationship really must have been ……. Hell. And that hell has been transfered over to me to live in.

I don’t know why evey thing started to spiral out with him. Or why the voices chose him a 6 month relationship and not my soul mate of 5+ years. At least they would have more material. But i guess what they were looking for is negative material.

I made a fool or myself ultimately. Even if he didnt see or know about all of it. And that is something i will still have to heal from. I just dont know how to heal with negative voices all day everyday. And i know how to heal (believe me). I just dont know how to heal like this.

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“Remember Who Gave You Your Crown” πŸ‘‘

“Remember Who Gave You Your Crown”, the Entity said to me posing as my Ex (twin flame). The story was of Isis and Osiris. And I was to be his Queen. Many image themselves as Kings and Queens, Gods and Goddesses. But I wanted to be me. 

I hadn’t fully realized I was in what I called “Opposite World”. Everything was flipped, Everything was a lie, and even if I figured that something was a lie, that could be a lie too. Its a set up. And you never win. I had no choice but to play along until I figured out what was happening to me. I cried so much. 

I felt my head become hot and tender. I literally felt like my skull had been opened and exposed. Like my brain was bring directly spoken into. It was loud.

I had read that this COULD be symptoms of kundalini or the opening of the crown chakra, also known as a halo, and the “soul star chakra”. I tried to understand. Little did I know. 

In opposite world everything is a lie, everything is an opposing force to the very essence of your being. When I was told “remember who gave you your crown”, I didn’t realize the very opposite was happening. I wasnt being given a “crown”, my crown was being taken away. My mind was no longer mine. I didn’t have control, I didn’t have room. I mean I still don’t fully. 

This was a check mate.

Using my Ex (Twin Flame) as a guise to get inside my head for lord knows what, for god knows what reasons.

I was shot down from my throne. Viciously attacked ….. Constantly attacked to the point of debilitation. 

I will still never understand why.

Now my home is under attack. The are the shadow spots that spew these things at me. I can’t see everything. But I can see and feel enough. 

My body is reacting to the attacks again. Rashes, burning.

The Entities would say “I WIN!”, but it won by showing me visions of child sexual abuse until I gave up and decided to die crying in my bed. Everyday.

If that’s winning ….. I’m OK with loosing.

But I want to fight back. I’m tired of my mind being a canvas for its sick images. 

πŸ‘‘πŸ™πŸ˜’

Spiritual Abuse πŸ”ͺπŸ”«πŸ’£

There is no reason to be spiritually attacked there is no excuse. That’s like a rapist saying she asked for it because wore a short skirt. Fuck THAT!

Victims of spiritual/astral abuse will blame themselves. They will say, “I deserve this because I lied when I was 12 years old” or something just as ridiculous. We seek peace and that’s the easiest route than grabbing at air. But we seek NOW. Dwelling on the pasts on shortens our time in becoming the person we wish to be the best versions of ourselves. 

Our capitalist system says “you are not enough!” , so by this product and subscribe to this lifestyle. Spirituality /religion says you are not enough, you didn’t pray enough, you did something bad, some past life bullshit generational curse, that you didn’t meditate enough, that you didn’t eat organic enough. In relationships, we feel like we aren’t pretty enough, or doing enough or have enough money or enough love or trust. 

So it is NO WONDER these astral parasites …. Spiritual abusers go on to say YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH. You’re ugly, fat, skinny, stupid, crazy, no body likes you, you have no friends, kill yourself, no money, you are not good at what you do, you don’t know what you are doing, you need our guidance, unlovable, unworthy, you’re an addict, you will never understand, you don’t have knowledge. 

You will never be enough, when you are! 

I am a complete being. I have my own “dark” and own “light”. I grow as needed. Forced “darkness” or this bullshit “dark nigbt of the soul”, is abused pushed by astral parasites. Saying it’s because you did this or that, that YOU weren’t enough is excusing this program and act of spiritual violence. Finding peace and “learning from” the abuse is the gift we give ourselves to cope and to heal. We weave stories of some past life karma, a curse, blame ourselves. “This happened to me because…………….” 

Outside of that we are excusing unseen and intangible abuse. By subscribing to this idea that pain is our greatest teacher, is superficial and more than likely you never been in a full blown psychic attack.
You are saying our current system, all system are fine as is and should operate and function with no change.

This whole you “change your reality” is bullshit. You know how hard I’ve fought?!? All this law of attraction, most people want car, money love. I want the change, justice, peace, safety for all people! 

NOTE: The demon suggested pain and my smoking cigs (cause you devils advocate). Now do I know smoking is bad? Yes. Do I wish to change that? YES. Do I think I should be raped everyday by some demon for going on two years? NO.
Whatever. But I’m the crazy one.

Fuck this demon! 

Crazy Talk: Jelly Monster πŸ‘»πŸ’”

So I can see the effects of the demon, I can feel them, hear them, but I can’t see the actual demon that’s conducting it. 

I believe that many healer are able to remove the effects but not the actual entity. Maybe some can. But none of the ones I went to. 

So, I see this jelly monster (looks like a clear slimmer) that moves around me. I state previously in my blog that, I don’t think this is the entity but the “energy” it sends kinda like and extension of sorts it copies. Its not easy to see but I see it. I think its the same “energy” that screams repeatedly, mimics other peoples voices and music, repeats what I say, the gives me tremors and that can copy cat emotions like anxienty or headache, intense tension, feeling ill, being high. Prolly other things too like images/vision. Almost like AI intelligence toy, but its not the main and I feel like its being controlled. 

Today I was wondering HOW did the entity pull off things like knowing when my ex (false/ twin flame) was going to call, or what song he was going to send me, when the cat took my chair and I wasn’t in the room. And a few other “prediction” or plain old’ nosiness. 

Either way. My assumption is that this jelly monster was being nosey with my ex or attached to my ex. Something maybe like that. And that’s how it copied his voice and knew info. Some people call it “attachment cords” this one looks like a clear jelly vibrating blob thing that moves around at medium speed in and out of vision some times sparkles if its close by like on my head. But then I’m like how the fuck did the jelly monster get to the edge of Brooklyn? Like it legit floated 20 miles?

πŸ’©πŸ‡πŸŠπŸš†πŸš„πŸš…β“‚πŸšˆπŸš•πŸš˜πŸšœπŸš βœˆβ›΅πŸš€πŸšβ‰

I hope my ex wasn’t harmed in any way. In the beginning I did so many “cord cutting meditations” because I just wanted whatever this was gone. I blamed my ex, i did. But I kept away from him so this demon wouldn’t make another game out of it. I’m pretty sure he is OK and doing fine. But if he went through a fraction what I went/ going through….. I am so sorry, even though none of this was my fault. I never sent ANYTHING to him in any way. Only trying to get through my own heart ache to move on.

Either way. That’s my theory of the jelly monster I have been seeing floating around the house or stuck in the bathroom. 

Crazy shit right? πŸ™

God……….  Why did I have to get the crazy one? 

I feel like I need a blunt and I don’t even like smoking. 🌴

Why Unrequited Love Killed Me. πŸ’”

I had a love. A great love. I will always cherish. We had a 6 year relationship and still till this day remain good friends. I call him my soul mate. I thought we would be married but since we were queer it never was a big deal to me.

After our break up. I started dating men for the first time. It was a bit disheartening. They were liars or aggressive. 

I met who I call a twin flame (for name sake) and never felt so insecure in a relationship. I didn’t know what we were, I didn’t know how to act and I felt like I was constantly being tested. Which is not my steeez. I don’t test people so I in return expect the same.

There was just so much material and insecurity for this Entity to play off of to manipulate.

People say “you have to love yourself first”, and I do. I mean we all have our ups and downs it’s natural. But I do. I was more heart broken that I did not, could not or haven’t found the reflection of myself. 

I get glimpses here and there. But something comes in and skews it. Usually it is lack of clarity, that lack of clarity or the refusal to do so leads to insecurity. And that insecurity feeds the beasts that lurk hunting for a victim to control.

Essentially, if I felt secure in the relationship with my twin flame the Entity would have never been able to play off of him.

Unrequited love, the insecurity of not seeing the love that I gave reflected back essentially cause my death, spiritual. My innocence was mutilated, sanity diminished. 

I finally became a reflection of the world. 

Ex – Factor

Can you imagine being forced to think about your ex or someone 1,000 a day? 

Hundreds?

Repeating a 6 month relationship over and over for TWO years …… Every day all day 1,000 times a day? 😩

Like I don’t even wish him ill. I just want my own healing. Stepping into heterosexual dating world was a crash course and a bit traumatizing cause I was usually friends with guys and this was nothing like that.

Either way I’m tired of everything….. Things that are random and have nothing to do with my ex (“twin flame”) being drawn back to my him for no reason by this Entity. 

I feel like I am almost back at the beginning when I first questioned “why am I obsessed with him?!?”.

And I just want to heal. A moment of peace. I want this Entity gone.

Like why am I being forced to think about a man all day every day that doesn’t care or think about me two years later?

I’m sick to my stomach of this.

I know I will never hear from him again, I know we will never be together. I dont even know if i want to be with him. It wasnt the best, it wasnt the worse all i know is this Entity interfered to break us up and started acting like telepathic communication him once we broke up. And raped me….. Acting as him. So my ex will remind me of this painful experience with this demon. And this demon won’t let me forget him. A part of me wonders if he went through something similar. But I don’t know if that translates into wanting to have a partnership with him. I personally need to be with someone I can feel got my back and I got theirs. 

So WHY do I get this?!?!

I’m just over it.

Exes and Exorcisms

I read this article that narcissists try to stay friends with their ex’s in order to continue to drain them of their empathy and emotion availability only to further manipulate them to meeting their personal needs with out ever reciprocating. 

I thought of myself. My sexual partner would often become my best friend. I am social in the sense that I don’t care what your style is…. If you’re cool I like you as an individual. A “social butterfly”….. But just could never seem to stay in cliques too long. 

So my partner would be one of my best friends. We were the most intimate, comfortable we would go out and do things that maybe my other friends found lame.

So I kind of made this pack with myself that since I spent all this time with someone and my body with them…. That if only seemed fair to try to at least stay friends with them even if we didn’t work out. It would have to be a mutual thing and cordial at least.

I mean the first few were simply cordial. I left the door open and every so often we would check in with other or run into each other on the streets. As much as the break up may have hurt at the time, over time I worked on not holding resentments just because we didn’t work out. 

With my partner of 5 years I thought for sure we were going to be a married power couple in community arts. But…. He wanted to be polyamorous and I just had too many things going on that to then work through the emotions and worry wonder if someone was having sex in my bed was too much. It was what it was…. I tried to explore poly but I suck at it and it just felt like an emotional trap. I have enough rules. 

But we stayed good friends. Supportive once the dust settled. Check in every so often. Nothing major. But the love we had in that relationship I cherished and will always cherish. 

I always wondered how the friendship would fit into my life or with having a steady partner. I mean we didn’t hang out enough for me to put it at the forefront of a relationship, and I hadn’t gotten serious enough with someone to feel they could dictate my friendships if they felt uncomfortable.

I never talked about who I was seeing with my ex/friend tried to keep relationship drama to a minimum. That was my own rule of thumb.

But my last ex kind of provided a reason why being cordial if not friends with my exes were beneficial. When the voice/ demon popped up it did everything to isolate me not only from my ex but my friends and family…….. Even from myself. 

Because this voice sounded and “acted” (at least his internet persona) like my Ex, it was important to keep me away from him so I could not double check any “storylines” …. So I could not be comfortable enough to be like “hey did you send me a telepathic message telling me not to donate all my belongings to good will?” 😞 

I had tried multiple times to estatebish this type of friendship with him but it was a text maybe he didn’t answer but saw, he requested friendship on Instagram. But I was already in the under current with this Entity and any little meme or photo would trigger another series of delusions and my heart and mind could not handle. So I stopped feeding the hungry ghost. Wrote him a letter gently stating I was going completely out of my mind and blocked him. For my own good.

This all went against what I was trying to do as a person which was not demonize my exes and chalk it up to it just didn’t work out while seeing if the bond could be transformed into a friendship.

But hey………. I got this menacing demon. 

Even after peeling back all the delusion and storylines. After all the strengthening of my tender heart….. The demon “entity” insists on using the memory of this particular ex as a shield. Which to this day I will never understand and maybe what keeps it persistent.