Lonely Targeted Girl 💔

So the guy i was seeing just stopped talking to me out of no where. He originally blamned it on his depression but its been going on 2 weeks and im not going to chase him.

So i officially give up on dating. I try so hard to be perfect….. Being a good conversationalist, not being overbaring and contacting them so much because i can talk all day tbh, a loving sex partner, 50/50 and not adhering to gender norms that the man cant be treated or pampered. And none of this is working out to anything. Its so pointless.

I need like a kitten or something to love cause these menz out here are really disappointing.

I mean the last dude was talking about living together and having a baby …… And boom no reason just ghost….. Which is lame and not fair. I expected more from him…… He was doing the nice guy act i guess. It’s so cowardly not to let someone go at least in a conversation. Because then im hanging on for a week or so “giving him space” when he has probably already moved on.

I wanted to have control over my sexuality. These demons/being/alien/perps rape me or show me images of child abuse and molest me at the same time or say stuff about me and my dad …. Like my dad is looking at me funny, incest shit. And its all fucking sick.

And i just wanted adult sex/relationship with a man that gives a shit about me. Like bare minimum shit. And i can’t even have that.

Now im stuck on my own to these demons raping and molesting me and putting sick thought in my mind. Just one day out of no where this started happening. It nuts and im tired and i wanted just cuddle up next to someone who make me feel like its going to be ok.

I guess i am on my own. 😢💔

Watch “I Gave Up Men to Have Sex With Ghosts | This Morning” on YouTube

Home girl is getting PLAYED. Why do I have to get raped and tortured when there is perfectly willing people out there?!

That’s what they do with twin flames too to keep you apart. amd you end up going into seperation feeling either heart break or “this amazing connection”. You think its your twin flame but its not its a fucking demon ghost playing your ass out of a relationship that you have the opprotunity in this body to have NOW! She was about to get married! And this demon ghost comes in and ruins that for her and she’s all OK cool. 
Fuck this!

The Fat Chick

My ex (“twin flame”) false one I guess. But the the Entity that is here ran with the title and play. 

Over our short 6 month interaction things got confusing for me. I had never felt so insecure in my life. I questioned it. I tried with all of my might to keep a clear head. But I never that strongly about anything. I had heard that guys test you….. But still. 

I guess the first time is when he went on about how he would try to talk to models at events and that they didn’t want to talk to him. And he model friends. I didn’t sit with me right.

The next was when he avoided hanging out with me for Valentines day…. Or even texting for that matter. And when had texted everyday all day before that. I got upset and finally stopped waiting and called him and he said he was at a bar drinking with a friend. It just seemed odd. So the growing insecurity raised. It was like a month or two and so I dumped him and went out on two date to get the attention that seemed so impossible for him that day. 

Soon after I missed him. I didn’t know why. I had made him a really awesome low key gift with a nice jar filled with honey from the farm I worked at since he only drank tea. I thought about him. And maybe I thought I over reacted about a holiday. So I contacted him to make a mends.

While I was in the bathroom I heard loud and clear, “you’re jot going to tell him about the rasta?”. No. Lol. But I didn’t know who said it or why. I just sat there on the toilet like WTF. I later became acquainted with the Entity as seen in this blog. 

It was a bunch of little things here and there piling up in very short periods of time. Like when I checked his Facebook and saw one of his friends refer and ask if it was “tinder?” Girl referring to me under a video of a girl loosing her mind on the train (I hadn’t lost it by then). Then his friends would make fun of fat people on his page. But then he told me father was a “fat shamer”. 

In the middle of us see each other he had missed my birthday. And then I had seen this app called happn advertised on Facebook and looked to see what it was and there was a review he made for it a few days after my birthday. I told him. I made a pack to keep my cool ever since the valentine situation. He then asked “well why were you looking at it” and then changed his settings. So I could not see his Google reviews. I wasn’t even looking, Hus a the first to pop up since we were friends on hang outs. 

Then I remember him saying he would bring me to a game or gym. But then he got wierded out and said it was a “sanctuary” for him only to find out later that his ex girlfriend went there too. 

I felt like all we did was have sex and I wasn’t use to that. He tried to take me to a few bars didn’t seem too excited about it. More obligational to prove something that he “wasn’t afraid to be seen with me in public”. But even then i saw him checking out girls in the bar which was awkward and his mood would change. I understood he had a night job and gym and stuff which was important. But I still could not shake it.

On my ex’s birthday the Entity kept trying to convince me to tell him I loved him but it wasn’t time. The Entity went so as far as to to whisper it sounding like my ex was trying to tell me through a whisper or “telepathically”. 

And that’s where I really fucked up.

I believed it. 

It was like all my years of building self confidence went down the drain.

I was super confused and I needed to focus on my job for a couple of weeks and asked him for a break at which point he said we might as well break up. So I diligently accomplished my goals at work. Forced myself not to speak to him for two weeks to detox and hoped to come back with a clear mind. It wasn’t easy. I even told my friend so I would keep myself busy. Once everything at my job was set, I finally contacted him but he waited days before contacting me back and it was right before I was going on a date.

The date was cool. We made out. But I contacted my ex after only to find that he had moved on. 

I didn’t understand why I was feeling like this. It was gross. I gave myself a few months to just feel the feels. But I was obsessed with trying to find out why I felt drawn to someone who treated me like eh just aight.

I contacted him again. We hung out. I had hoped we would work things out and build honesty but everything went south.

I just kept asking myself, “why do I feel like this?” Over and over. I did a forget him spell on myself (didn’t work). Nothing worked. Therapy, throughing myself into my job, dating, fucking, working out. Nothing.

I saw that he had a a few memes on his face book making fun of fat women. Even one where he wrote “first rule of squad is always to accept a challenge” meaning date a fat girl. I saw that he was in a pretty sad group called “I heart chubbies”, and recently guessed that one of his friends put him in that group as a joke. 

It wasn’t until 2016 when things got wild. The Entity posses itself as telepathy between my ex and I foretelling a doing he would send me and the few times he would call. I just wanted to be over him. But the “storyline” this Entity drew up was captivating. The “twin flame” story line that I had to give it all up for my ex… To win him back…… Even my life.

That’s where things took a sharp nose dive into hell.

I guess I got my answer.

This man….. made me insecure enough, vulnerable enough for this Entity to hide behind and try and take not only my lively hood …. But my life. 

I try not to blame my ex too much. I have my own part in being naive on soooooo many fucking levels. I never would have guessed it could be this bad, just from dating a guy or that demons really actually do exist.

And now my ex is prolly chillin fucking the next chick while I’m sitting here being raped every night by some demon.

Shit sucks. 

Chastity 

I have been forced into chastity by this spirit/voice through various forms. Mostly a living nightmare. But essentially “turning me off”. Even though I had made a packed with myself at the beginning of the year to give myself some time to heal. I held it up for about 9 months and tried dating again to be social. But I’m a dumb bitch …. And I fell into a sexual situation / relationship again. 

After communicating my needs to the guy I was dating (which was to wait) he continued to push sex…. And I felt bad…. Like it was my fault…. Like it wasn’t fair. He had a long week at work… And wanted pleasure for the weekend. He probably looked forward to it all week…. So… I understand it on a basic level. 

On a spiritual level it was not sitting well with me. The days that I needed to take care of myself mentally or emotionally … He was upset because I canceled the weekend and wasn’t there. He even ended up blowing up at me the day before my grandmas funeral. 

So as much as he said he was there for me. I thankfully realized he wasn’t …. At least at the level I need. I’m not mad… I had fun… We did go out… Took my mind off my sister for a moment. But it wasn’t it. 

I have had partners talk about marriage + kids…. Whether they want them or not. And I guess that’s what people talk about. But I want profound love. Otherwise to me there is no point in talking about any of that unless its a part of a bucket list of things to check off. 

Does true love wait? Or do we keep learning our lessons? Maybe its not worth it to learn our lesson …. Ain’t that some heavy baggage. 

So….. I’m waiting…. Not sure on what exactly. Or why. There are days when this whole twin flame thing seems like total BS…. And other days when it makes total sense. But for the most part I haven’t been with anyone for going on 10 months.

Food, cigarettes and sleep are my comforts to replace the warm body of my “twin flame”. slowly trying to get back to eating healthyblike I use to. Having a hard time with the cigarettes. 

Sleep is my only solace. In hopes one day I will wake up back to “normal” or somewhere close to it. 

Sex was a comfort that I shared with two people I felt I had a connection to. I went looking for that comfort in hopes of having it on a consistent basis with people who just were not it. 

At the same time I had never did anything like that. So it is telling to the level of hurt I received from my “Twin Flame” and soul mate. Regardless I should have used discretion.

Im kinda in the dark about how to proceed .