Sprit Snatchers? 😱

A couple of times, I felt like my “spirit” not my soul was being snatched or tugged out of my body. Kinda like a Peter Pan thing (in once upon a time).

I wonder if these Demonic Archon Reptar Alien like need our spirit, our spirit is what I would assume animate us, I guess like energy play dough? 

I feel like maybe they need this energy from us to almost like….. Hmm create something to wear? Like a cloak of spirit imagined to hide whatever it is they truly are?

Or to create this illusion in front of us?

Just wondering. Its theory. I could be wrong.

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Talking Anonymous 💋

I have a problem y’all. 

I can’t stop talking to this demon. I’ve mentally cussed this demon out going on two years in January. It was the only way to protect myself. 

I’ve befriended and betrayed in the same day over and over and over.

Always having a come back, always smacking down the lies got me this far, which is alive and not utterly delusional. I was able to defend myself from falling into yet another rabbit hole when the other rabbit hole finally made no sense.

But I can’t stop, before it would “mind control” and “suggest thoughts” (the next thing to say) through flashes images or “subconscious”. It still does. Maybe not as much as it use to. But it did. But I still can’t seem to stop talking to it…   Or responding.

I’ve gone a couple of days to with out but end up breaking my silence emotionally. 

Now when I talk to an actual human, I’m like jibber jabbering them to death just happy not to be telepathically communicating some psycho demon.

I can meditate, I can be quiet. But I still can’t seem to stop defending myself and talking to this demon. 

And the meds.. .. My friend said I shouldn’t take meds…. But I want it to stop. But there are so many mixed reviews on meds and time span they took to work. Meds seem like the only way to stop communications for now but I don’t want to stay on them. But then I don’t want to be opening Pandoras box if I stop taking them as well. 

The Trauma of being Unloved 💔

Being unloved and unaccepted and not understood is traumatic.

I was fortunate enough to have a mother and grandparents who instilled a great amount of love and freedom with in me as a child. Most of the times I look back at any punishments I can say to myself, eh…. I prolly deserved it. So for the most part there was love and fond memories.

I was an angsty teenager with my father when he finally come back in our lives, i had some “daddy issues” as stated previously in my blog. I didn’t accept him as an authority figure. But eventually, none of that mattered. I got over it, grew up…. And tried to establish an adult relationship with my dad going fishing and camping and just like “dude stuff”. 

This love, my love and freedom didn’t seem to mix very well in the world at large. Learning the darkness of the world slowly unraveled the love I had. Love was replaced with justice. There are sooooooo many injustices in the world. I felt it was my duty to chip away at them, even at a young age.

But when it comes to romantic love, there is a far worse injustices that happens and you can only wish that what was taken away and replaced with heart ache, will eventually be returned and cultivated.

In most of my relationships I was met with … No love. Even with my greatest love, love went away. The trauma of being unloved is unbareable already. So to have an Entity attachment only enhanced and exacerbated the pain that was already there……. Well you can imagine I am sure.

After each moment of not being met with love, the love I so freely give, I first tried to learn ways I could cultivate it in the relationship. When I couldn’t I tried to figure out what I did wrong. Where I didn’t nourish this love. Only to find the rule never applied to the next. Because it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t something I did wrong.

We often loose “our love” early on, learning to never trust it. Learning that it will eventually hurt us. This is why they say “you must love yourself first” bla bla, that doesn’t make it hurt any less each time.

Do we learn to gaurd ourselves, is that really loving ourselves?

I had one guy I was dating say something like, “I like the way you make me feel.”, well DUH you like the way I make you feel. I’m not playing games, I like you and show it, and I have a relatively healthy sense of self to know…….. I’m not too fond of the way YOU make ME feel but willing to overlook it and continue to show you the love we both deserve.

But…. The adult thing is to be guarded. Right? Paranoid.

When you are met with …… This reflection of not being loved over and over and over and over and over. …… With in the world, with in our relationships,….. And now even with in myself (with this attached Entity). 

You start to become it. You become that reflection. If you were lucky enough to hold on and not as naive as I was to “give it all away”. I didn’t know there was a limit to love. I have definitely found the edge and it is dark and not pretty place. 

Mental Illness Olympics 🏆

In a way I feel like I have the worse form of “mental illness”. Schizophrenia, is like being on every drug possible, all the while hearing a voice that will call you a fuck up in every possible way. Its like watching every other mental illness play out in your head and you have no control. And you feel you body burning, your head tightening, your brain getting too big for your skull, and an audiance of non helpful shadows and angels floating around you. It is crippling, it is debilitating, it is not sexy, nor fun, it ruins everything you love, and no one gets you because its that diverse and uniquely tailored to each individual life.

Maybe I am fucked up, but I feel like anxiety, depression and certain forms of PTSD are more “socially acceptable”. Like there is more talk about that. Like those are the easy ones to talk about.

Then there is bipolar which everyone makes fun of because apparently every dudes ex-girlfriend was bipolor just because she was on the rage and he’s a fucking misogynistic douche bag that equate all feelings from women to a mental illness.

Then there are the quirky OCD, strange phobias and which is waaaaaaaaay way more socially acceptable.

Of course then there are the other disorders that really suck and may be the actual root of the said depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. But we don’t talk about them because that’s too deep. Be honest with you my therapist barely wanted to talk about this shit. Anytime I talked about what was actually happening to me she would stop me to make sure I knew “it wasn’t real”. And she would opt for talking about how my family was doing. Like I don’t have a place to even truly unload this shit, and like I really want anyone to hear this shit, or for to even ever have existed. But wtf am I suppose to do? 

Seriously I seriously feel like I had the whole fucking psychological book thrown in my head. I don’t know if other Schizo’s feel like this but it literally feel like every disorder, delusion, phobia and syndrome alll rolled up into one none stop living  nightmare.

And its not talked about, but its fucking crazy, it feels crazy. And much as you want to share the craziness there is nothing to hold on to…. It doesn’t make sense. Even if you tried to make sense. There is no sense to be made from the voice in your head.

I told my friend finally that I have schizophrenia, and he told me “you’re  strong”, “you will get through it”. But I’m over here worried that there is nothing to “get through” this is my life, and sleeping all day trying to avoid conscious images of child abuse or to avoid killing myself does not feel like i am strong. I don’t know if there is a nother side to this. This maybe my life forever. 

I’ve always been the kind a person to really push through some hard shit. I just can’t with this one. I can barely even think. All I can do is write how my soul is constantly being raped. 

So YAY I got the worse one! 

Tried to be a good personal and all I got was this schizophrenia!

FML.

Separating Emotions 😩

I’m angry. This shit sucks. I’m tired of the nasty negative thoughts. I’m over it. Its pointless and useless. 

Now the Entity even taunt me and say “you’re so pretty”. Just to be sarcastic.

So I find my self angry. Keeping myself in check not to fall for another manipulative mind game. I have constantly check that my anger is not spilling over into other interactions. Its more work. 

More work at trying to seem perfect. Keep it together. Under wraps. To constantly be checking if my thought or emotion was my natural response to an event, risidual from my hate for the Entity or false thoughts and emotions installed (influenced) by the Entity. 

Its like PTSD in my own emotional land scape, wondering when I might step on a mine, when will child abuse be triggered or my ex, or death, ect. 

Its a full time job.

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