Being unloved and unaccepted and not understood is traumatic.
I was fortunate enough to have a mother and grandparents who instilled a great amount of love and freedom with in me as a child. Most of the times I look back at any punishments I can say to myself, eh…. I prolly deserved it. So for the most part there was love and fond memories.
I was an angsty teenager with my father when he finally come back in our lives, i had some “daddy issues” as stated previously in my blog. I didn’t accept him as an authority figure. But eventually, none of that mattered. I got over it, grew up…. And tried to establish an adult relationship with my dad going fishing and camping and just like “dude stuff”.
This love, my love and freedom didn’t seem to mix very well in the world at large. Learning the darkness of the world slowly unraveled the love I had. Love was replaced with justice. There are sooooooo many injustices in the world. I felt it was my duty to chip away at them, even at a young age.
But when it comes to romantic love, there is a far worse injustices that happens and you can only wish that what was taken away and replaced with heart ache, will eventually be returned and cultivated.
In most of my relationships I was met with … No love. Even with my greatest love, love went away. The trauma of being unloved is unbareable already. So to have an Entity attachment only enhanced and exacerbated the pain that was already there……. Well you can imagine I am sure.
After each moment of not being met with love, the love I so freely give, I first tried to learn ways I could cultivate it in the relationship. When I couldn’t I tried to figure out what I did wrong. Where I didn’t nourish this love. Only to find the rule never applied to the next. Because it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t something I did wrong.
We often loose “our love” early on, learning to never trust it. Learning that it will eventually hurt us. This is why they say “you must love yourself first” bla bla, that doesn’t make it hurt any less each time.
Do we learn to gaurd ourselves, is that really loving ourselves?
I had one guy I was dating say something like, “I like the way you make me feel.”, well DUH you like the way I make you feel. I’m not playing games, I like you and show it, and I have a relatively healthy sense of self to know…….. I’m not too fond of the way YOU make ME feel but willing to overlook it and continue to show you the love we both deserve.
But…. The adult thing is to be guarded. Right? Paranoid.
When you are met with …… This reflection of not being loved over and over and over and over and over. …… With in the world, with in our relationships,….. And now even with in myself (with this attached Entity).
You start to become it. You become that reflection. If you were lucky enough to hold on and not as naive as I was to “give it all away”. I didn’t know there was a limit to love. I have definitely found the edge and it is dark and not pretty place.