Suicide Squads ✋

So like I have a handful of people I met through my schizo group that I tried to help when they were suicidal. … And my cousin and like….. 

I can barely get through today and I am trying to talk people down from going on a suicidal rampage and burning themselves and having nervous break downs…. And I have no one there for me… As always. 

I ignored my cousin…. The suicide rampage one stopped talking to me and the burn dude calmed down. 

I have nothing to give. I feel like I’m dying. It hurts so much I don’t even know if this is the schiz or not anymore. It’s just so intense ….. I can hear my skull cracking from pressure like a sinus infection.

Idk. The only thing that listens is this blog. I don’t care if anyone reads it.

Idk I can barely make it …. Running on empty…. No end in sight…. And like my friend constantly saying he is going to harm himself …. Is like more than I can bare. But I want them to be ok. 
Omg this hurts so much! I don’t know if it hurts more cause I know its fake. 

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Exploitation of Pain (The Healer on TLC) 👐

These beings exploit pain! 

ANY! Emotional, mental, physical, ethric, environmental! 

I was watching “The healer” and demon tried to insinuate that this guy was putting evil energy in the people he works with.

But honestly what I felt was he was removing the exploitation of pain out attachments out. I can see the pain attachments. That is my assumption. The healers light or energy is moving it OUT not in. I wonder what he sees. 

I had a toothache one time….. And a few times I would say the words love and the tootheache would go away for a little bit. But ever since this evil energy has attached to me…… I had a toothache and it was pumping that area full of painful energy to a level that is not OK for a human. 

So I know these entities exploit pain anyway they can. Sad about your grandma who passed… Exploit…  Back hurts a little bit…… let’s make it crippling, childhood traumas…… LETS HIT THAT NOTE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. . 

Seriously fuck these demons. 

Suicide Hotline ☎

A guy in my schizophrenic group put up a post that was a simple cry for help. Just like “schiz sucks I’m over life”. I don’t blame him. 

It wasn’t until one of the other posters mad it aware that he had a gun with him.

So me and another member of the group tried to talk him into a safety plan. He didn’t have his meds, he hasn’t slept in 3 days, he had a gun and he was alone in a hotel depressed as fuck. 

A terrible recipe. 

He was also in the middle of no where. So its not like he could go to a Duane Reade and pop 4+ benadryls and call it a night like I do. 

So I literally had to be annoying and stay with him on chat until he got to a hospital. The only problem is that he said sometimes they call the cops on suicides out there. Which sucks…. And he has a warrent. So he was about to back out in front of the hospital. 

My advice is that fuck the warrent, fuck the gun, he needed not to be alone and to get some meds. I told him to lie unless he felt safe. Like essentially he needed sleep and to be under supervisions. I told him to tell the doctors that he hasn’t taken his meds or slept and he was experiencing extreme psychosis and not to mention the suicide. 😞 iDK. Its better than being in a hotel with a gun. I called the suicide hotline in his area and asked about the cops. They said if he poses a threat to himself or others the cops may be called and his name ran. 

So the main goal was get away from the gun, meds and sleep so he could have a clearer head. He is really a sweet soul. I hope to hear from him as soon as he gets out. The next would to have a friend turn in the guns for him.

I hope I helped him make the right decision. Kinda had my nerves on edge and a bit scary cause im not a crisis counselor and someones life is on the line. And i wanted to ensure he was safe. Not just drop a number. But at least he knows we actually give a fuck in that group. Schiz sucks balls. Its legit like every mental illness wrapped into one waking nightmare. 

*BIG SIGH …. With some tears*

I hate seeing my beautiful people suffering like this. I really do. 

UPDATE:

He got 7.5 hours sleep at the hospital, they gave him meds to tide him over, he has guns cause he was in the military but promised to give the bullets to a friend. Went home made a pie for thanksgiving.

God is good! 🙏🙏🙏

Sprit Snatchers? 😱

A couple of times, I felt like my “spirit” not my soul was being snatched or tugged out of my body. Kinda like a Peter Pan thing (in once upon a time).

I wonder if these Demonic Archon Reptar Alien like need our spirit, our spirit is what I would assume animate us, I guess like energy play dough? 

I feel like maybe they need this energy from us to almost like….. Hmm create something to wear? Like a cloak of spirit imagined to hide whatever it is they truly are?

Or to create this illusion in front of us?

Just wondering. Its theory. I could be wrong.

Talking Anonymous 💋

I have a problem y’all. 

I can’t stop talking to this demon. I’ve mentally cussed this demon out going on two years in January. It was the only way to protect myself. 

I’ve befriended and betrayed in the same day over and over and over.

Always having a come back, always smacking down the lies got me this far, which is alive and not utterly delusional. I was able to defend myself from falling into yet another rabbit hole when the other rabbit hole finally made no sense.

But I can’t stop, before it would “mind control” and “suggest thoughts” (the next thing to say) through flashes images or “subconscious”. It still does. Maybe not as much as it use to. But it did. But I still can’t seem to stop talking to it…   Or responding.

I’ve gone a couple of days to with out but end up breaking my silence emotionally. 

Now when I talk to an actual human, I’m like jibber jabbering them to death just happy not to be telepathically communicating some psycho demon.

I can meditate, I can be quiet. But I still can’t seem to stop defending myself and talking to this demon. 

And the meds.. .. My friend said I shouldn’t take meds…. But I want it to stop. But there are so many mixed reviews on meds and time span they took to work. Meds seem like the only way to stop communications for now but I don’t want to stay on them. But then I don’t want to be opening Pandoras box if I stop taking them as well. 

The Trauma of being Unloved 💔

Being unloved and unaccepted and not understood is traumatic.

I was fortunate enough to have a mother and grandparents who instilled a great amount of love and freedom with in me as a child. Most of the times I look back at any punishments I can say to myself, eh…. I prolly deserved it. So for the most part there was love and fond memories.

I was an angsty teenager with my father when he finally come back in our lives, i had some “daddy issues” as stated previously in my blog. I didn’t accept him as an authority figure. But eventually, none of that mattered. I got over it, grew up…. And tried to establish an adult relationship with my dad going fishing and camping and just like “dude stuff”. 

This love, my love and freedom didn’t seem to mix very well in the world at large. Learning the darkness of the world slowly unraveled the love I had. Love was replaced with justice. There are sooooooo many injustices in the world. I felt it was my duty to chip away at them, even at a young age.

But when it comes to romantic love, there is a far worse injustices that happens and you can only wish that what was taken away and replaced with heart ache, will eventually be returned and cultivated.

In most of my relationships I was met with … No love. Even with my greatest love, love went away. The trauma of being unloved is unbareable already. So to have an Entity attachment only enhanced and exacerbated the pain that was already there……. Well you can imagine I am sure.

After each moment of not being met with love, the love I so freely give, I first tried to learn ways I could cultivate it in the relationship. When I couldn’t I tried to figure out what I did wrong. Where I didn’t nourish this love. Only to find the rule never applied to the next. Because it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t something I did wrong.

We often loose “our love” early on, learning to never trust it. Learning that it will eventually hurt us. This is why they say “you must love yourself first” bla bla, that doesn’t make it hurt any less each time.

Do we learn to gaurd ourselves, is that really loving ourselves?

I had one guy I was dating say something like, “I like the way you make me feel.”, well DUH you like the way I make you feel. I’m not playing games, I like you and show it, and I have a relatively healthy sense of self to know…….. I’m not too fond of the way YOU make ME feel but willing to overlook it and continue to show you the love we both deserve.

But…. The adult thing is to be guarded. Right? Paranoid.

When you are met with …… This reflection of not being loved over and over and over and over and over. …… With in the world, with in our relationships,….. And now even with in myself (with this attached Entity). 

You start to become it. You become that reflection. If you were lucky enough to hold on and not as naive as I was to “give it all away”. I didn’t know there was a limit to love. I have definitely found the edge and it is dark and not pretty place. 

Mental Illness Olympics 🏆

In a way I feel like I have the worse form of “mental illness”. Schizophrenia, is like being on every drug possible, all the while hearing a voice that will call you a fuck up in every possible way. Its like watching every other mental illness play out in your head and you have no control. And you feel you body burning, your head tightening, your brain getting too big for your skull, and an audiance of non helpful shadows and angels floating around you. It is crippling, it is debilitating, it is not sexy, nor fun, it ruins everything you love, and no one gets you because its that diverse and uniquely tailored to each individual life.

Maybe I am fucked up, but I feel like anxiety, depression and certain forms of PTSD are more “socially acceptable”. Like there is more talk about that. Like those are the easy ones to talk about.

Then there is bipolar which everyone makes fun of because apparently every dudes ex-girlfriend was bipolor just because she was on the rage and he’s a fucking misogynistic douche bag that equate all feelings from women to a mental illness.

Then there are the quirky OCD, strange phobias and which is waaaaaaaaay way more socially acceptable.

Of course then there are the other disorders that really suck and may be the actual root of the said depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. But we don’t talk about them because that’s too deep. Be honest with you my therapist barely wanted to talk about this shit. Anytime I talked about what was actually happening to me she would stop me to make sure I knew “it wasn’t real”. And she would opt for talking about how my family was doing. Like I don’t have a place to even truly unload this shit, and like I really want anyone to hear this shit, or for to even ever have existed. But wtf am I suppose to do? 

Seriously I seriously feel like I had the whole fucking psychological book thrown in my head. I don’t know if other Schizo’s feel like this but it literally feel like every disorder, delusion, phobia and syndrome alll rolled up into one none stop living  nightmare.

And its not talked about, but its fucking crazy, it feels crazy. And much as you want to share the craziness there is nothing to hold on to…. It doesn’t make sense. Even if you tried to make sense. There is no sense to be made from the voice in your head.

I told my friend finally that I have schizophrenia, and he told me “you’re  strong”, “you will get through it”. But I’m over here worried that there is nothing to “get through” this is my life, and sleeping all day trying to avoid conscious images of child abuse or to avoid killing myself does not feel like i am strong. I don’t know if there is a nother side to this. This maybe my life forever. 

I’ve always been the kind a person to really push through some hard shit. I just can’t with this one. I can barely even think. All I can do is write how my soul is constantly being raped. 

So YAY I got the worse one! 

Tried to be a good personal and all I got was this schizophrenia!

FML.

Separating Emotions 😩

I’m angry. This shit sucks. I’m tired of the nasty negative thoughts. I’m over it. Its pointless and useless. 

Now the Entity even taunt me and say “you’re so pretty”. Just to be sarcastic.

So I find my self angry. Keeping myself in check not to fall for another manipulative mind game. I have constantly check that my anger is not spilling over into other interactions. Its more work. 

More work at trying to seem perfect. Keep it together. Under wraps. To constantly be checking if my thought or emotion was my natural response to an event, risidual from my hate for the Entity or false thoughts and emotions installed (influenced) by the Entity. 

Its like PTSD in my own emotional land scape, wondering when I might step on a mine, when will child abuse be triggered or my ex, or death, ect. 

Its a full time job.