Jannah Bell “Candied Daylight”

.equinox.

there are paintings i wish to sing.

songs i wish to live. 

tears i must breathe.

breaths that effortlessly convey. 

a bone that broke.

a wish we made.

a prayer i said.

a joy i believe.

a moment made.

an infinite equinox.

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Compromise(d)

I live in on a planet…. A world…. Where things happen…. That I don’t want to. I am both vulnerable and helpless in the sense I don’t feel like I can do much about it. I try. In pieces. Here and there.

I live in a country…… A state… A city…. Where things I wish didn’t ….. happen….. I pay taxes…. I’m compliant…. In a way…. Not complacent…. Maybe I can make a change…. Hope…. Maybe I have.

And I have these interactions. These relationships in hope that no one would stab me in my heart or back. I tried to protect myself. I wondered ….. Observed…. I could never understand with all the terrible things in the world…. Why I could never relax with the ones I cared about…. Or if I did… Finally… I would get hurt.

I’m in this body….. I’m sorry. I mistreat it. I smoke…. Eat crap most days…..and most recently when the world is too much….. carbs feel like a blanket in my mouth. 

I’m in this body….. I can’t protect it. It was raped. Physically ….. on a date…. Energetically everyday by a demon. In fact right now…. It is happening. I write to take my mind off of it. I’ve learned not to cry too much. Save my tears for things more important than me.

I feel compromised at every level of my existence.

Helpless. Fearless at the same time. Tired mostly. And tired of being tired.

Enough is never enough.

Hot Tears

Cold fingertips

Don’t worry ’bout my art

They will read between the lines.

So what if I was the sun in female form.

Bless you.

Afraid to cry? 

So was I.

Sure. No. Sure. No. Sure. No no no no.

No. Please stop………… Please stop. ………….. Please stop…………………..

Hot tears.

Smeared.

Eyes and heart crossed. 

Mind put back into place.

Metallic body screams. 

Messages received.

Mother’s lullabies turned into nightmares.

I found your light lurking… 

In the corner of my eye.

Tried so hard to push you out.

I know who I am. 

I know who I am. 

If I know who I am, why do I miss me?

A lie, another, and another…….

So far down paths that may not lead back to me.

Of course!

Please leave.

Please leave me.

Leave me.