Kim Noble: Artist and Medium

So I watched this a while back when it first came out but it took me a while to process it. What she was describing was strangely similar to the themes that where coming up in during this process.

Only trying to express it through art would get me in more trouble than I like with the Entities. Actually today I tried to do so and they made me pass out AGAIN and then started making my whole body buzz.

I never put a date on my work but I’m pretty sure drew the one below I say last year. Actually I see them all the time. Kim’s piece other than what she was speaking about seemed so oddly similar. Only I could see it clearly etherically and she is painting as a channel.

Kim Noble

Me lol

There are other versions of this type of being I see and can grow in size or change a bit but I would have to keep looking.

So I guess as artists what or how are we creating? Where does it come from? Similar to my post about Bjork.

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https://iquitsugar.com/magnesium-and-sugar-addiction/

I was suggested to take magnesium to help sleep with this schizophrenia. The person suggested that many people who drink a lot end up being magnesium deficient which he believes in can lead to schiz. (That’s a big jump, but I respect the leap). So I thought well alcohol turns into sugar anyway. So I looked up the relation between that. So the magnesium is something I can do and possibly have a doctor prescribe so I don’t have to come out of pocket.

As stated in my blog, I feel like schiz deals many levels of “consciousness”, not the fantasy one like actual levels of awareness like being asleep dreaming lower brain waves or to being on full alertness. Either way sleep is healing. It took an abnormal amount of sleep and rest to heal schiz so far.

Another man in the forum said that when he “started eating healthier that he felt like the voices got worse!” The same happened to me. When my diet was better I also felt attacked the fiercest. So why when we know we are being healthy, getting good sleep, active, in touch with our emotions would we feel like the VOICES are WORSE or we are being attacked?

Why would we be prevented from being our bests selves?

I’m a nerd so I will definitely track results. πŸ™Œ

Archon: Hypothesis : Movement πŸ’ƒ

OK. So I have a Hypothesis:

I was attack viciously each time I began to make strides in my health journey. Usually I lost about a 100lb but I also was super active. During these times I would start my health journey around when I was unemployed (less money for food and transportation) so I would end up walking or biking everywhere and had more time to think about this. 

Now this last attack had me floored unable to move from the physical, emotional and mental pain. So in some ways I gave up….. But that’s OK. However now I have two or three huge Archon’s (about the size of my head) comfortably “feeding off of me” one at a time. 

So there is something linked to my “health” and them. 

If something feels threatened what does it do? It attacks! 

It was a perfect storm….. Too perfect! My health was a threat and so it waited for the perfect opportunity to to attack and exploit any emotional or physical pain I may have had/have. 

Does being phsycially active drain them of opprotunity to steal your energy because in a sense you are using your own towards your wellness?

My only concern if for people who are not well and how this plays out for people who are unable to be active, then what?

I am sure many of you ARE in fact active but yet were still attacked. So I can’t conclude to anything just yet.

I can’t explain to you HOW aggressive this attack was. Like literally being in the pit of hell 24/7. Since it has mellowed out. The voice of the Archon does not me feel like my brain is about to explode, but I have also refused (protested in my body) to do much other than sit an observe these Archons for a year now making it extremely comfortable with in this cute chubby body.

Its like constantly being thrown off course each time worse than before each time you make major strides.

Meditation was good for learning to observe and discern what was me and what is NOT me. 

Yoga, messages, stretching, were all good in learning how to literally release energy in places you never paid attention to. 

Prayer, faith in God gave me hope that some day I, we all will be free. 

And Bruja, “white magic”, kitchen witchery, ancestory taught me the herbs, foods and intention of love that will heal/ clean the body and personal space. 

I just can’t seem to get all my gears going again cause these Archon’s are off the hook with attacking me anytime I make any strides. That’s why I just choose to sit here like a monk and not do anything. 

As much I want a reflection of love in my life, in a way I feel …… Diseased, dirty …. Even though I know we all have one. I guess that is real love, recognizing each other disease (archon) and vunerablity and healing that for each other in stead of exploiting the pain. That is a true power that very few can wield. 

I just don’t know why I can’t seem to do that myself. Alone. To banish these demons from every cell in my body. 

There has to be an answer, a way, a key, a perminate solution. 

Schizo + Disassociative Identity 😱 (+spirituality)

So I quickly read through this article on Disassociative Identity Disorder by buzzfeed. 

As I was reading through it I had this notion while I was trying to fully understand if the “personalities” are acted out or if they are observed. I know of a lot of people who also have “black outs” or periods of time they don’t remember.

Prior to “becoming officially schizo”, there was a period in time where I started to not feel “like myself”. I even told my ex twin flame. I didn’t know if it was because I never dated men prior. 

I just felt Angry, really really angry, mistrusting, paranoid, obessesive, lustful.

I could not accept this change in personality. I tried every method to reconcile these feelings with in myself. Lol spells that didn’t work. I couldn’t talk to my twin flame openingly so it only made things worse.

In short I feel like prior to schizo, my “personality” change could have been a disassociative identity and the more I resisted the worse it got, until I cried and cried and cried and cried, and boom full on 24/7 none stop schizophrenic.

On the spiritual aspect to this was that it almost feels like a spiritual possession of sorts was happening slowly or I was unaware, and I restisted so much. I kept questioning always “why don’t I feel like me”, and those “spirits” demon alien whatevers had been stalking me for a while. So when I resisted so hard, looking for answers reading, shamans. And finally…. There it was….. Even through the schizo I resisted resisted and here right now to tell you, cause if I didn’t I would be dead. 

Its like because I wouldn’t fall for full possession (disassociative identity) it aimed for schizo (demon haunting), and went to the worse thing in the fucking world as torture (sexual violence, molestation) as a mode to get me dead or locked up or just plain old looking crazy, something not good.

Idk that’s what came to mind from my side of the story. I have no idea why these things are here or choose to torture me. 

http://bzfd.it/2xXx1pA

Mental Illness Olympics πŸ†

In a way I feel like I have the worse form of “mental illness”. Schizophrenia, is like being on every drug possible, all the while hearing a voice that will call you a fuck up in every possible way. Its like watching every other mental illness play out in your head and you have no control. And you feel you body burning, your head tightening, your brain getting too big for your skull, and an audiance of non helpful shadows and angels floating around you. It is crippling, it is debilitating, it is not sexy, nor fun, it ruins everything you love, and no one gets you because its that diverse and uniquely tailored to each individual life.

Maybe I am fucked up, but I feel like anxiety, depression and certain forms of PTSD are more “socially acceptable”. Like there is more talk about that. Like those are the easy ones to talk about.

Then there is bipolar which everyone makes fun of because apparently every dudes ex-girlfriend was bipolor just because she was on the rage and he’s a fucking misogynistic douche bag that equate all feelings from women to a mental illness.

Then there are the quirky OCD, strange phobias and which is waaaaaaaaay way more socially acceptable.

Of course then there are the other disorders that really suck and may be the actual root of the said depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. But we don’t talk about them because that’s too deep. Be honest with you my therapist barely wanted to talk about this shit. Anytime I talked about what was actually happening to me she would stop me to make sure I knew “it wasn’t real”. And she would opt for talking about how my family was doing. Like I don’t have a place to even truly unload this shit, and like I really want anyone to hear this shit, or for to even ever have existed. But wtf am I suppose to do? 

Seriously I seriously feel like I had the whole fucking psychological book thrown in my head. I don’t know if other Schizo’s feel like this but it literally feel like every disorder, delusion, phobia and syndrome alll rolled up into one none stop living  nightmare.

And its not talked about, but its fucking crazy, it feels crazy. And much as you want to share the craziness there is nothing to hold on to…. It doesn’t make sense. Even if you tried to make sense. There is no sense to be made from the voice in your head.

I told my friend finally that I have schizophrenia, and he told me “you’re  strong”, “you will get through it”. But I’m over here worried that there is nothing to “get through” this is my life, and sleeping all day trying to avoid conscious images of child abuse or to avoid killing myself does not feel like i am strong. I don’t know if there is a nother side to this. This maybe my life forever. 

I’ve always been the kind a person to really push through some hard shit. I just can’t with this one. I can barely even think. All I can do is write how my soul is constantly being raped. 

So YAY I got the worse one! 

Tried to be a good personal and all I got was this schizophrenia!

FML.

Yackety Yack (mind chatter)

(This is from a kundalini group I’m in. Fuck Yickety Yack!)

​Have found this post, one of a few from what seems to be a very clear seeing man.  Name, lance kelly. Yackety Yack

The talker inside the head has a mantra – yackety yack, yackety yack. From morning until night yackety yacks about nothing in particular until, exhausted, it temporarily withdraws to yack some more on the periphery of sleep. Upon awakening afresh to a new day, yackety is already up and about, harping on about this and that or stoking up some grainy emotional syrup for a breakfast feed. Yackety loves to give to others and often emanates a dark mood or noxious cloud so that family or loved ones can share in the fun.
The yacker revels in the busyness of the day, and in the workplace is content for a while focusing on the job at hand. But at morning break yackety is unleashed, complaining of being stressed out and snowed under with work. However, boredom or the cessation of thought is simply intolerable to it for, without the momentum of the mind, the yacking grinds to a halt. This is extremely rare except in those incredible moments when something happens through grace and the surface mind is stilled, and briefly there is nothing but the presence of love. Yackety would protest that it loves, unable to perceive beyond its personal attachments and opinions that are self-made impressions of its limited perspective of life.
The world is full of yackety yack. This includes contributions from political yackers, professional yackers, military yackers, media yackers, religious yackers and, of course, celebrity yackers. The drone of the combined yacking in the world can be heard chattering throughout the cosmos. It’s a racket that, fortunately, our galactic neighbours are able to switch off.
Intelligence arises in the body from birth as a necessary means of establishing the memory and an inner landscape in which to make sense of the environment. This intelligence of the body is the ego, whose job is to ensure the survival of the organism. What has happened is that with no defence against the emerging pressure for sensual experience, the yacker has usurped the ego’s identity to ensure the survival of not only the physical body but also the emotional body of self. It now holds the entire world to ransom.
Most people have yackety yacking all the time, unaware that what is thinking or talking through them is an impostor of imperceptible stealth and cunning. With its usurpation of the mind and emotions of the human race, it is the real dictator of the world. Mastering the thinker and banishing the yackety yacking inside the head is imperative for the peace of mind that people strive to attain. Recognising the enemy is the first step in eliminating this insidious possession from the underworld; it will not relinquish its position easily.

Psychological Profile of the Entity

So there is a level of acceptance that I need to reach …… Everything I have experienced in the last year and a half and counting has been INSANE!!!! To say the least…. As I tried to report honestly in this blog. 

I have disassociate from the experience because it it was nothing but lies. There was no telepathy, no twin flame, I didn’t hurt anyone, I don’t know what exactly I’m “”paying” for. And it def ain’t the voice of God. 

So. 

Midigating my reality and this very dark experience has been ridiculously hard. Petrifying to be exact.

Many people believe that this experience is just some mental illness, its schizophrenia, or the subconscious mind. I’ve pegged it as a Demon…. Or whatever version of that you want to name it. As I’ve said before every culture or belief has some version of naming IT.

So in my observations….. And my recollections I can only throw the whole psychological book at this “Entity”.

I mean it manipulated me into trusting it. Stalked for years, waited for the right moment, the right cover, the right story, the right person to hide behind. It used fear, guilt, shame, humiliation and torture to maintain control. And I am suppose to believe this is just my subconscious mind?….. My ego “acting up”? If this is ego death….. Its was dead for years. 

This post was triggered because I saw the term “word salad” used in a video about Narcissists. I googled it and found it was both something people with “mental illnesses” do consciously and unconsciously. Wiki describes it as;

Word salad may describe a symptom of neurological or psychiatric conditions in which a person attempts to communicate an idea, but words and phrases that may appear to be random and unrelated come out in an incoherent sequence instead. Often, the person is unaware that he or she did not make sense.

Wiki also spoke about random and rhythmic as a way a “word salad” may be presented. Which this Entity does often. Rhyming with words off of the TV… Or randomly droping phrases to fish for a thought it can play off of or exploit. I believe the YouTuber who mentioned the term “word salad” was trying to speak to how Narcs divert from being directly questioned by using “word salad”…. Which leaves someone confused and uses it to their benefit in some sort of way.

Another thing is that, I know for a fact that there is only ONE Entity here with me (tho I could always be wrong) because one day I was wondering WHY was this Entity talking so fast. It was presenting itself as both a female and a male to maintain a storyline at the time but the speech pattern was extremely fast. So I came to the conclusion that it was just one.

Often when the Entity wants to scare me …. Or is bored, or wants to make me feel like shit…. It splits into another character(s) and starts talking about me …. Whatever the subject may be. That normally only happens “outside of me” meaning it doesn’t come off as a thought or telepathy…. But off of other sounds such as a TV. But it is only ONE Entity. 

Yea I know crazy.

So I’m sitting here observing this Entity play out whatever sick fantasy it has with me and trying to say it was my own. But I’m having a hard time accepting that. Because I know myself. 

My pseudo psychological assessment of the Entity is as such:

Narcissist: charming, confusing, liar, manipulative, demeaning, controling, abusive, lack of empathy, grandiose, entitled.

Obsessive: Constant thoughts, “suggestions” or urges of usually unhealthy or painful things. My ex (“twin flame”), eating, cigarettes, painful memories, fears or vulnerabilities etc. Also used as a way to control.

Personality disorder: Makes up characters or hides behind the persona of other people in order to manipulate and or “play”. 

Psychopath: has no shame, guilt or regaurd for another life. Abusive. Plots and plans to manipulate to what means I am unsure. Said it wants me to “commit suicide” or “make me go crazy” by means of torture and fear. 

I mean I’m now labeled as Schizophrenic because I have to hear this crazy shit all fucking day. I’m sure I have a few others such as obsessive, I mean I can be a bit OCD when it comes to gathering information… Or my art. So I can look at myself and realize those things. Also “dissociative” and or “depersonalization” are more recent because I can not relate to what is happening to me anymore.

I just don’t see how you just wake up one day like this. 

I mean you read Psych 101 and you will always kind of be like well Yea I have anxiety, or Yea I act like this when I’m mad… Or I do this or that sometimes. Whatever you resonate with. But all in all you’re fine and you go about your life. I mean none of this really popped up for me until last year and my life came to a screeching halt.

This Entity that is supposedly my “subconscious” is ABUSIVE…. Seriously its like being in an abusive relationship you can’t get out of. And I’m not one to stick around for that kinda shit. I’ve shadow worked, atoned for my relationships, I’ve questioned myself, I’ve truly looked at it from every angle possible. And have not found any true reason or justification for this Entities presence or being subjugated to this experience.

But alas I will observe.

But I will also fight.