Sister Outsider 👽

I was raised Christian …… While i still hold some beliefs and belief in God and Jesus….. i dont feel like i fit in with Christians though. Be honest a large part of it is my love for the LGBT community and my distaste for the pedos that get away with hurting children by the thousands with in religion.

And while i looked to spirituality as way to grow my personal relationship with God and grapple with some difficult questions i have about the world …… The New Age slipped in to all media formats under the guise of spirituality and i thought there would be answers there, but it is nothing but lies and delusions and people trying to grow thrir spiritual business as well (?!?!?). While i can understand the mode or intent in healing, i can not agree with the actual information being disseminated most of the time.

I tried to fit in with the schiz community and its all good at least people are a bit more open but also super wounded and trying to heal. But many believe its a “broken brain”….. Struggling to find the right pill to make it go away. And i gave up on the pills. And the medications are known to cause other diseases and take 10 years off your life.

But the Targeted Individuals are an angry bunch and i have a hard time trying have a coversation with them about anything outside of goverment technology. They are pretty set in their beliefs.

I’m mean i use to be super active in the LGBT community and even though the queer indentity will always be apart of me ……. Im just not as involved in the LGBT community as i was. But i love and reapect my friends and the struggle. But i just dont feel like i fit in there anymore either.

I just dont know where i fit in or any one set of beliefs i feel strongly about anymore. I dont feel like i can belong any place but i can respect most walks of life.

I got close friends here and there. They believe their own things too. But i guess i feel super alone in my belief systems right now.

I guess its my anthropology background that makes me want to listen to others beliefs and personal stories while respecting their experience and not forcing my own views on them. Just a culture of sharing. Sometimes i feel like there are a lot of beliefs forced on me and wading through the already thick waters is getting tiresome and i am almost over having and opinion at all…… But at the same time enraged that the saftey of my people are at risk everyday. In someway shape or form.

Sigh. Womp.

Lonely Targeted Girl 💔

So the guy i was seeing just stopped talking to me out of no where. He originally blamned it on his depression but its been going on 2 weeks and im not going to chase him.

So i officially give up on dating. I try so hard to be perfect….. Being a good conversationalist, not being overbaring and contacting them so much because i can talk all day tbh, a loving sex partner, 50/50 and not adhering to gender norms that the man cant be treated or pampered. And none of this is working out to anything. Its so pointless.

I need like a kitten or something to love cause these menz out here are really disappointing.

I mean the last dude was talking about living together and having a baby …… And boom no reason just ghost….. Which is lame and not fair. I expected more from him…… He was doing the nice guy act i guess. It’s so cowardly not to let someone go at least in a conversation. Because then im hanging on for a week or so “giving him space” when he has probably already moved on.

I wanted to have control over my sexuality. These demons/being/alien/perps rape me or show me images of child abuse and molest me at the same time or say stuff about me and my dad …. Like my dad is looking at me funny, incest shit. And its all fucking sick.

And i just wanted adult sex/relationship with a man that gives a shit about me. Like bare minimum shit. And i can’t even have that.

Now im stuck on my own to these demons raping and molesting me and putting sick thought in my mind. Just one day out of no where this started happening. It nuts and im tired and i wanted just cuddle up next to someone who make me feel like its going to be ok.

I guess i am on my own. 😢💔

The Great Love Debate

So Valentine’s Day is off my holiday list for person reasons and historical reason.

Personally I have dated a few dude who I think are crippled by valentines believing it is a prerequisite to marriage and act like a total asshole or avoid me all together ending up in a fight on or around valentines so spare me the hearts and holidays I will act like it doesn’t exist since a box of chocolates causes a malfunctions in the male brain.

Also for a historical reason. Given it’s dark past it is only fitting I would suffer as well. Given the Romans would abuse young woman “into fertility” and paired with a random dude, and then later on the murder of St. Valentine I believe.

On my Facebook timeline I keep seeing all these positive affirmations of “love yourself” “date yourself” these funny videos of dudes making out with their reflections, or people’s valentines being their dogs. It’s funny uplifting I get it.

And I guess I want to challenge this idea becoming overwhelming consumed with ourselves of loosing our heart connections with others.

It hurts. Instead we should be practicing learning and relearning better ways at communication. How we can show up, hold space and actually be there for each other and our selves. To be honest.

Why in a world of 8 billion do we feel alone? Have we ever thought that is mental conditioning? To keep us isolated? Docile? Trippin on who’s right?

Is this this the trade off for a capitalist empire? In the U.K. They recently appointed a “Minister of Loneliness” to address the issues because apparently it’s that serious of an issue. Are we so consumed with our stuff, and jobs and our false fantasy ideas of what a relationship looks like from media that we opt out?

That wasn’t my reasoning, of course if you read my blog it’s because I have been under constant attack by a Demonic Entity and much of my energy is reserved for emergencies only when it comes to friends near by. And I don’t have the heart to get my heart broken again by some tinder dude that just wants a long term hook up until he can get another girl.

Plus feeling watched was not hot.

Either way fuck Vday, fuck capitalism, fuck this false sense of loneliness. Fuck this demon!