You’re So Gay! πŸ™„

I X out my name, my “friend” here randomly called me gay as an insult like I had been lying to him about it.

I honestly have been having some issues with my sexual orientation as I try to reconcile my faith and having a FLEET of demons attack my ass.

So I think it’s natural to wonder was it because I’m queer (which is NOT GAY), was it because I had premarital sex? Didn’t keep the sabbath? Sex worked to pay rent that one time 15 years ago? Smoked weed? Shrooms?

I honestly thought God loved me regardless of my orientation. 😞 I honestly thought the whole condemning gays was more about stepping out on a marriage /adultery/lying. And I didn’t trust humans cause I felt like they focused of it a bit to much when there were are whole BUNCH of other things to focus on. I thought the sin was NOT being who you are (with in reason) the “higher self”. But you have to know yourself in order to be that. I never saw being queer about SEX but love and loving who I love and sex was just how we expressed that. But that’s just my small human mind. I just didn’t think it would cost me housing and jobs and friends and sanity.

But queer seems to stick out always.

Enough to get kicked out from my parents and be homeless, enough to be discriminated against at work and loose my job. Enough for the Demonic Entity voices to call me a pedophile lesbian bitch.

This suppose to be my friend who’s a guy . And then he goes on to say he likes lesbians. But I honestly identify as nothing now. I have no orientation because I’m sick to my stomach. I tried so many relationships they all failed miserably. Then to find out there are like Demonic aliens playing The SIMs human edition with my love life and fucking up my relationships doesn’t give me faith in the next. And then on top of it seeing pedo child molestation shit in visions is a HUGE 🀒🀒🀒🀒🀒🀒🀒🀒 turn off to LIFE so I’m fucking good on being stressed out by dick.

I tried my best to give love and I was fortune enough to at least feel that even if was short lived in queer relationship with my ex soul mate.

But I will not have my guy friend throw my orientation in my face like an insult. I’m tired of being condemned.

I’m not sure if I should continue to talk to him. I unfriended him and told him goodbye and why I was saying goodbye and that I forgave him. BUT I’m not sure if I should talk to him ever again.

My only concern right now is 1. Getting rid of these demons in a responsible way 2. Healing these wounds. NOT CREATING NEW ONES. 3 getting healthy again.

Relationships and all that other stuff is kind of not really a big deal a much as I would love to curl into a ball in the arms of a lover.

Freedom of Speech: Father Figures πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ πŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆ

The dust has settled from 2016 where we were all attacked by a curse.

The difference is I could see it lurking around the house and no one else could.

In 2016 and 2017 we were all more gentle, more loving, more conscious it seemed of each other (except for my need for quiet). But 2018 it seems ever took a deep breath and became themselves again.

On Father’s Day my dad told a story and mentioned a Transvestite I corrected him and said you mean Transgender, he paused and then went on with story calling people faggots in it and everything. I said “omg I’m going to have an anxiety attack”, he was saying it so loud and it was so unnecessary and his daughter (me) is a faggot too.

So I got up went to the bathroom to breathe and tried not to ruin diner more than it already had.

Then today my mom and dad went to diner and I asked how was it, he complained as usual. Then I said that sucks, sorry to hear that. Then my father said I’m just in a bad mood because an ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT ran into my tail light. I was just like HUH!

I feel like their is a Bigotry Curse over America making people iggnant as FUCK!

In many ways I also feel like my trying to correct my father triggered something in him. Something where he now feels the need to spew off any fowl description of another human being just to prove to me he can and will. Freedom of speech.

But now I am subjected to the fowl ideas, along with the authority and the terrible physical sensation when I hear another person being senselessly made fun of.

I can’t change my dad.

I can’t reason with him either he too “old school” which equals rejecting anyone else’s views.

I’m in no position to stir the pot or leave. Part of my wanting to leave before the kicked me out at 19 was him calling everyone dyke, lesbo faggot this or that.

I want to say the Entities are involved in this. I have not been looking for them on people because I just thought it would be better for my sanity. I can’t save anyone anyways.

But I do know how these Entities work and all it takes is a slight change in mannerisms or voice or word choices to know when a person has been influenced.

That feeling that I offended him by trying to correct him, and NOW he is trying to get me back by being offensive more. Sensationalism. My whole body becomes on edge and I can feel every nerve ending.

Now I have to sacrifice yet another part of myself and be quiet because that’s my father and I’m never going be able to get through to him the effects of what he is doing. Because there is an intention behind it as well.

He wasn’t like this say a month ago. Or 6 months ago was a totally different person.

I can’t prove it is Entities interference. But I do have photos of them around him and (like super obvious ones). But I can say it feels terrible and out of wack. So I have to forgive my father for not being aware of these facts. I can’t wake him up and honestly I wouldn’t want him to be. Enjoy your golden years battling Giant Alien Mantis’ and shit yea….. Good on that.

I want my independence so I don’t have to deal with this shit and the shit isn’t tied to my livelihood. And I can just enjoy my family as is.

BIG DEEP BREATH 😀

🌈Pride: Stand Before God

Parents kicked me out because I was gay at 19.

I worked hard to heal that during my adult life.

I was lucky enough to have found the love of my life my soul mate (trans man not my false twin flame). I thought we would get married some day when it was legal. We would fantasize about a peacock wedding. I would be the albino peacock and he the blue. And the cake would have the two peacocks on top with the feathers swirling around the cake tiers in details. Sooo yea…… anyway……

I felt against the world because people at my job would say sly comments about gay people.

I said to myself, if it is truly a sin I would stand before God, because I felt that our love was true love.

Soon after maybe 6 month my soul mate told me he was poly an had been repressing it and wanted to see other people. We broke up.

I was devastated. πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

This is the person I had thank God for. Who I literally thanked his mother for giving birth to him like a weirdo. The person I was willing to carry on my back so we can make it together. Who I was putting my soul on the line before God, because our love didn’t feel like a sin it felt like true love, it wasn’t of the flesh it was a partnership and the world was telling me I was a sinner or nasty because of it.

And then……. he left me………

Sooooo………… I was wrong.

And now I’m taunted by demonic voices, for pride month, as I try to grow in my faith, and they say I got this because I am gay……..NOW. Two years later!

Before they said it was because of my ex (false twin flame and cis male). Then they said i was “paying for my father” (whatever the fuck that means). But NOW it’s because I’m a queerdo.

I love people based on how I feel and give people a chance but apparently that’s not working out in my favor either. I will always be queer but I’m also nothing. I don’t care about the label.

At best an an asexual amoeba at this point because schizophrenic demonic possession got me like WHOA!

I just feel like shit now.

It’s a soft spot for me cause I already lost so much for being gay.

Now possibly Gods favor. I love God. So you know.

I never thought like this until these nasty Demonic voices showed up after my false twin flame. I hate it. It’s so confusing and painful.

I’m use to pulling myself up out of slumps and I just can’t with this I’m literally being energetically shot if I make any sudden moves towards positive change.

πŸŒˆπŸ˜­πŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆ

🌹 Ironically enough, I was happier when I was Gay. 🌹

I guess I know why now. 

Hetero world is like being stuffed into a box. Then another box…. And then another. 

I don’t feel appreciated unless I can fulfill a role (ie. Have sex every Tuesday at 8pm until a better option comes along, ie be a wife, cook clean have babies, ie, help whenever you need me). Not for simplying being who I am but who you want me to be. 

I just wasnt use to this in queer relationships.

Every direct question is met with an idk, ignore or some really vague shit that is more than likely diverting. 

It feels strange. 

Unstable. 

But I will always be queer but kinda more straight now ….. But kinda turned off cause I am grossed out and don’t know what’s going on with me or if can trust a partner to NOT dump some new shit on me to deal with. So my orientation is alone. 

For now.