Difficulty Praying πŸ™

I have a difficultly praying. For a few reasons. I never prayed for anything before really. I never asked God for anything and just kinda took life in strides taking the punches the best i know how.

Ever since schizophrenia/demonic possession i prayed for salvation and deliverance. I begged God for mercy! I even prayed for the demons like a ditzy dumb dumb ditty because lightworkers said to show them love. That tgey can not survive in love.

I never wanted something so badly in my life.

The demons (now knowing they are) would actually force me to pray. And was trying to force me into Christianity in this really abusive twisted way. While i always believed in God and Jesus, i took a more spiritual route and did not identify as a Christian. To be honest a lot of it IS a trigger for me. The demons wanted me to pray for pedophiles and child molestors. I’m not sure why but my assuption is because they know i hate them so much. And i did. I thought it might….. i dont know save the world some how. Stop it from happening. They would force me to weep during prayer…..

Then i would hear them in one of their plays/games saying “she crys when she prays” as if it were something special. They played me. My spirituality was no longer becoming authentic. It was forced….. Tampered with. A joke….. a game of suggestion.

I tried praying only when i am convicted and that feels much better…… But inbetween i just say “thank you God”. I hope God understands why my prayers or praise is so short. I dont want it tampered with.

It’s a trigger for me to be honest. Both the fact a DEMON was at one point trying to force me into Christianity and prayer….. Just makes it feel super icky. But then on the other side of the coin they were trying to convince me there is no God.

Either way i have to be at least true to myself the best i can even if its a fuck up. Like im not gonna have this demon toying with my faith and emotions for whatever reasons.

😐 womp.

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Condemnations can lead you astray πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

For me personally I do not believe in condemning people (most).

Life is hard! Like really really hard! And that’s even for a decent charmed life. Even more so if you were left to fend for yourself in some way shape or form.

A man in my Schizophrenia Group was contemplating suicide because he could not take it anymore. And all these people were digitally vomiting those sound bites we have all heard before “suicide is selfish” “you hurt your family”….. basically guilting and shaming someone who is already filled with guilt shame depression anxiety and fear. These commenters where condemning him because of he was clouded by his current pain. When he needed some one to care….. listen….. relate.

Another aspect of condemnation is that these demons engage in it like it’s their job. There are religious demons FYI. Forcing people into a very negative form of religion. They called me a whore, a faggot, a child molester, lazy, told I wasn’t praying hard enough, just to name a few. The demons where actually trying to force me into Christianity. 😳 why? So they could further condemn me and excuse their rape and molestation. That I deserved this. No one deserves this and the ones that probably do don’t suffer. They are just chilling going about their life like my rapist.

The condemning by the demons made me further excuse some of my actions. Become more stuck in duality because I knew I was doing the best I could at that moment. Did I want to sleep with a creepy old guy for money when I was 19 ….. NO Big NO l, but I didn’t want to be on the streets when my ex didn’t have rent money and it was due in days. I tried to assist my cousin out of sex work as well with out condemning her but showing her there are other options, ones I wish I had prior. And she finally went back to collage and finished her degree.

We need compassion for those that are hurting. Stuck. Lost. Suffering in spiritual warfare.

One of my favorite pastors, Pastor Mike Todd of Transformation Church in Tulsa OK, explained that the church should be the “Hospital for Humanity“. When he said that, I knew this was the place for me even though I live all the way in NYC.

We have to meet people where they are at fearlessly. I have been sitting in this hell matrix for so long being raped by demons that I honestly don’t even care anymore. They will take out my back or sides and make it hard to walk sometimes breathe…. but I walk. I try to meet people where they are at and show them compassion and trust that God will transform their lives in time.

My best friend was an alcoholic. And I saw her life spiraling out of control after having her son and the father disappeared the day after. And I didn’t know what to do. I had previously intervened on another friend who was using meth and I thought that walking away to “not enabling” him would make him stop. And it didn’t. He still uses and holds a big grudge towards me. So me not wanting to lose my best friend and my godson I just prayed an honest prayer. To protect her and these babies. And it took rock bottom and almost losing her son but she finally went to rehab and is a recovered addict. But the whole time I supported and loved her. I may have been selfish in my silence, but I didn’t know what to do and I gave it to God….. one of the few times I actually prayed for something. And she is now in her own place and going to school and goes to meetings and doing well. Not easy but well. And I am proud of her cause it was Gods work and God giving her the strength to do the hard work too. And I thank God for saving my best friends life!

In my situation I need to humble myself a bit more but I definitely wasn’t going to have a demon lying on me and saying I am a pedo! Or even that I am a whore cause I’m not!

I know I have to improve my life and I look to God for correction but these demons in extreme duality are only here to further lead you astray with misinformation. And to make you feel abandoned by God. They were even telling me there is no God at one point. Lol and I’m like says the demon talking to me in my mind…..ya uhuh OKAY! πŸ‘ŒπŸ½

Most of our “sins” stem from deep pain and poor decisions and even ignorance. We must be given the chance to grow and correct ourselves through God. But I do NOT see how being raped by demons for 4 years helps growth.

So we as humans must show compassion. And have faith in our cases and causes that God will prevail!

β€οΈπŸ™πŸΌβ€οΈ

Awakened or Woke? πŸ‘€

Lol at this image tho. Like my skull felt like it was literally being cracked open like an egg by tgese demons.

Im not gonna lie. I drank the red kool aid. Like guzzled that bitch down like it was a chaser. I wanted answers and the New Age knew EXACTLY what to sell me.

Prepped with spiritual memes….. FB posts showing up on my timeline about the “1111 awakening” “are you seeing 1111?” Which is basically an initiation into their demon matrix to see how easily suggested you are. Angels and seeing pretty sparkles lights….. Orbs.

Awakening. I thought it would be like an awesome DMT trip. Maybe i would meet my “spirit guide” or a loved one….God…. Maybe the angels that i THOUGHT followed me all this time. I thought i would be in a different place some how. All the cool kids talk about astral projection. Who doesnt want to know what’s out there? Beyond.

But “the veils lifted” or maybe more so the wool was officially pullwd over my eyes…… the “shift happeded” i was “awakened” and i was not happy. At all.

See what i found was …. From my perspective is that from what i see this is just demon play. You are basically playing with little devils. And yea they maybe nice to you at first. Say they are an angel or a goddesss (mine did), but they lie and want to rape you and play with you and force you into suicide or misery. So that is the short version.

Ops so your awakening is fun…… Must be “the dark night of the soul”. Like yall got the juice for everything. Honestly dark night was being demonically attacked with nothing being able to stop it. They controlled my mind and body. They could insight false emotions ranging from a “happy/love” to “depression/suicide”. I knew it wasnt genuine. I could feel it in my body. These werent my genuine emotions. And it was sligjtly depressing….. But i knew the difference. “Dark night of the soul” “karmic lessons” are poor excuses for demonic torture really.

These demons place you in a matrix (for lack of a better word) of themselves which is inhabited by smaller little demons … And even smaller ones then that. So small there could multipul ones in your eyes. They are the vital structure and characters in our dreams/visions…… Even you as the onlooker.

So you are in this demon matrix….. Since you have no clue wtf is going on …… You can easily be dooped into thinking its an Angel or a nice being…. Alien maybe even who knows. But we only see or feel in part. Not the whole. Or mayne they only show you their light illusion version (can shape shift into anything) and not what they really look like.

When folks do their astral journeys and such they are really just having some really bright demons playing around in their head. I hate to burst the bubble. Its a dream. An illusion. The demons are the astral and made of aether (i think), something like that. They are made of light and work the aethers. Space. Lucifer was described as the “light barrier”. These beings/demons are made of light as well. And they are all attached to each other in a hive mind like matrix.

Its hell on earth.

So are people really awakened? Because honestly it feels like everyone is just telling a bunch of lullibys to some really scary shit. Like what they do with faries and vampires. Before vampires where like the scariest thing in the world….. Now we got movies where bitches is marrying one and having babies them. Like watered down shit.

I get it. Its scary. Its not fun….. To just accept a bleek reality that our world is over runned with demons who are using you and lying to you.

But its the reality. They are putting illusions over your eyes. And we are drinking the kool aid….. Its our own spiritual death really.

In the New Age community they are talking about awakening and acension ……. And 5D new earth…. 3rd eye astral…. and its always about getting some place other then where you are in the present like its some unobtainable video game. Find your TRUE “mission” when you awaken.

I was of service and dedicated my life to my community for 15 years and maybe even longer if you count as a child cleaning up the forests. And no this doesnt have to mean i was an”indigo child” , i cleaned it up cause it was gross and i wanted to play.

Like why isnt your mission some regular degular shit? Like why it gotta be “saving humanity”…… Buuuuuuuuut you are just basically sharing delusions and false information on youtube.😐

Unfortunately giving a fuck in this society seems like a super power. But its what we are suppose to do. I give a fuck. I give a fuck that my people that are being given false hopes and information to drive them into demonic play that will slowly lean them astray and further from God only confusing them more and possibly loosing all faith if not having some remixed version of the truth.

Are we going to be awakened or woke? Woke to the realities of both the 3D physical plane and the lies of the spiritual world?

Im not playing the game anymore.

Heaven or Hell?

I womder if the poor innocent souls that were tortured through this method of Targeting (targeted individual) or demonic possession or whatever it is…..

I wonder if they go to heaven or hell.

I mean people are tortured even in real life by sick fucks. Brutally. Children. But i just wonder if they decide to take their life because of the torture or living with nightmare afterwards that there is no mercy for them?

Its not fair either way to be cheated out of life in such a manner.

Where is the justice?

The Good Place (spoiler?) πŸ˜†

So i am binge watching this series to just keep my mind off things for a little bit.

SO….. I just think that it is funny a bunch of people who think they are not that bad of people actually end up in a complex set up in hell.

I mean i think its funny cause i think of myself as a “good person” but i am currently in this demonic hell matrix.

I mean i am able to laugh at it in a sad facetious way at the dark comedy. Definitely worth the watch for the laugh if you are struggling with this matrix.

Opposite World: “As above So Below” β˜πŸ‘‡

Kundalini is a eastern spiritual concept. Prayer is a western spiritual concept or can be known as meditation. And “shadow work” is a western psychological concept.

So Carl Jungs “Shadow Work identifies the “issue”, where is comes from and the belief that supports it. And the “prayer” or meditation  helps to find I guess a solution or letting go control of it through belief.  For me I take the prayer a step further and put an action with it ….. Which would be a Kundalini “Reversal”.

Schizophenia is like being stuck in mirror world, opposite world, upside down world. It’s like you are constantly met with the opposite, kept from joy that seem like its with reach.

Being the opposite of what you know yourself to be is called “negative symptoms. If you were super motivated and organized …  And one day you wakevup disheveled and depressed. Negative symptom is essentially what you knew yourself as being “taken away”. 

This whole “as above so below” means what? That may be the biggest lie ever. Above where? Below where? We say “On earth as it is in heaven”. I have no idea what heaven is like. So how does that translate to earth? I have no idea what hell is actually like…. But this experience was pretty fucking close.

How do we move out of the limits of this oppression?

My idea of a mirror was that my actual traits would be reflected back to me…. That what I try to bring into the world would be reflected back and actually make a difference. That you do unto others as you would have done unto you because well… We hope that that happens to us too…. But one too many times this did not play out the way I thought it would…. And you move on…. But now I am stuck….

Kinda just bombarded by all that is the world…. But not the beauty the things I wish were changed about the world.

Cleansing Spiritual Portals; Close All Portals In Your Area – Rex Deus

http://www.rexdeus.com/wp/spiritual-warfare/spiritual-cleansing/

http://www.rexdeus.com/wp/spiritual-warfare/spiritual-warfare-prayers-against-aliens-and-predatory-species/

Its real out here in these spiritual streets y’all. They out here playing everyone for a fool. My friend is over here swearing Arch Angel Michael wanted him to join his ranks, mean while demon #blablabla was acting like my dead grandpa, my ex, God….  And I was like yo that gotta be Satan then. 

Like I don’t know God like THAT, Jesus is not my home boy but he is hella cool for trying to wake the people up. But I know this shit right here happening right now and to many people that bullshit ain’t God. NAH.

Either screw this ghost pictionary, astral demonic peekaboo bullshit. 

I’m seeing shit (the clear mist and one large dot) at the head of my families beds and I am PISSED NOW! Like its one thing if they are attacking me. But not my family not my sister who has been through so much and has struggled with health since birth.

We have a SERIOUS problem now.

PoetrΓ©: How to Arrive at a Thought πŸŒΏπŸ‘‘πŸ’«πŸŒΏ

I stare into space, eyes crossed like lovers that just missed each other, like whispers in the night that never get you there, other than to the destination of a thought that was never yours. A tremble up your back.

I look behind me, a trail of pain and beauty, but then wonder why am I so ugly.

Please hug it away. Let it drop from my temple to the pit of my stomach. Remove its grips from my neck. Sacrifice the things unsaid. Because we have cast enough spells of intention, thoughts desperately grasp at to make a sense of their own and we end up cursed. 

Let there be more of me to fill every hollow space that serves as a hiding space for these things, so I can love you more.

Advice: Going Nowhere ⏰

So, I see all these things in my house. 

Orbs, sparkles, mists, giant swirly mother load that shoots PokΓ©mon balls at me, flashes of light. 

As much a try to make light of the situation, well. ….  it physically hurts to have this attached to me and I have no idea what’s going on. 

Honestly if what ever is here was nice, I would show the same respect. But its not. So I have to stick up for myself and figure a way to protect my family the best I can. And I’ve tried everything!

I have yet to find a truth. 

I don’t know if this is all happening because of me, because its attached to me or because its just happening and that’s life. All I know is that I hear, feel and legit (like 80% sure) sure I’m seeing it.

But I also have this burden of wondering if my sister and mother both had strokes in the same year because of me, or this terrible entity attached to me. The entity fortold it, but could have also caused it. Because much of the head pressure was unbareable. So I can only imagine for someone who is older and or in poor health.

What’s done is done, I have no proof other than my own painful experience. The entity was trying to tell me to leave my family in their time of need. Like sister needed help and my mom was recovering. So it was on me to kinda not let that load be on my mom.

As both slowly recovered I tried to take more and more time for myself. This is around the same time I actually started seeing the orbs hanging in the house. But I’m not sure if its me or others. I would never be able to tell unless I’m there. Duh. 

But idk. If I should leave cause my terrible energy. Everyone in these light worker groups keep telling me I’m all low vibes and idk maybe I’m holding my family back from healing. 

I kinda don’t want to be around anyone cause I don’t want anyone to get hurt cause I have this terrible energy with me. Which I can seem to do enough about. 

I don’t know what to do any more.