Imaginary Friend 🍃👻🍃

I had some “the gruge” like or alien raptor visuals in the begining ….. But I laughed at them …. So oddly my visuals are not AS strong although I have like floating emojis around the house which are odd and visions of child abuse or which is terrifying or random photos of people. 

I guess I am more stern because of the auditory …. Speaking creates more of a relationship. So it’s like one moment the voices would have me crying from saying moms gonna die, then sucidial from a sick visual of child sexual abuse and then trying manipulate me back into a friendly demeanor by making jokes or saying they love me. I realized this was a cycle of abuse. 

The Reconciliation /Honeymoon phase is “The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible. Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change.” 

The first time I was introduced to this was when my best friend in high school told me that her mom would beat her, and then clean her wounds and tell her sorry and it won’t happen again and do it again. I asked my mom if she could live us but she couldn’t. 

Once I found this habitual pattern of abuse…. As much as those funny moments are so important for relief to the constant verbal abuse… To love and not hate…. To laugh….. I sadly had to accept that these voices will never change…. And I can no longer enable their abuse. Nor can I trust any attempt to gain my trust. 

This is called trauma. Not being able to leave a state of constant distrust or being on gaurd…… Physically harms the body in itself as well as how I interact with others. I’m trying to simply be clear and stern about my boundaries rather than be become a full blown narc. But it hurts and its hard because this is NOT my true nature. 

Sans the sick twisted abusive stuff…. I have no problem having an imaginary alien rapture friend that remixes gregorian music, plays air ghost tic tac toe and makes decent jokes given a natrual break in communication and with out pain from them touching me is gone.

Yea…. I am liberal about being crazy.

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TV on the Radio: Opposite World. 📺 “Stranger Things”

I have spoken about opposite world for a while now. It was a big part of the “delusion” I was dragged into. You can prolly search my blog and find a few posts. 

The more I went into occult groups on facebook trying to understand what was happening to me, was it a spell, voodoo, abilities, was abucted, a puppet, possessed by body snatchers, the more i was met with all these occultist would keep talking about the balance of dark and light. That “as above so below“. Honestly they are the only ones that speak about this, so I doubt they are getting raped and molested by demons so its easy for them to talk about “balancing the darkness”, because its only relatative to the illusionary power or “knowledge” they think they have. Or that anyone that wasn’t aware of the dark…. Or generally happy was a “spiritual bypasser”. 

It took me a while to watch second season of “Stranger Things”, to be honest mainly because it had kids in it and I really didn’t have the stamina to be raped or molested by this Archon Reptilian Entity while it said sick things and then called ME a child molestor. Because this demon wants me to “Die of Molestation”. 

My fear was then sparked again Eleven was named the sexiest woman by W Magazine and I and most of my friends where like WTF, she’s 13years old! And then Mara Wilson who played Matilda back in the day wrote an article for Elle Magazine talking about all the letters from pedophiles she received when she was a little girl and how they would make sick videos with her face imposed on it and it fucked her up. 

So with all that, and knowing how disgusting these Archon Reptilians are, I opted out watching this season. I knew after reading that article about her being named sexy the Archon’s would target her in my psyche. And I wouldn’t get to actually enjoy the show. Its an awesome show anf i love Winoa Ryder, shes kinda my spirit animal right now. It’s not hypersexualized like say “Girls” or “Game of Thrones” which I just couldn’t get through. My ex (twin flame) wanted me to watch Game of Thrones and even before all this happened I didn’t want to watch the rape scene and ended up covering my eyes with his arms until it was over. Its was too much. 

Either way thanks W Magainze for sensationalizing and sexualizing children and one of the few shows out there that’s actually not. 

ANYWAY. 

I mean things have dialed down to about 25% which is still too much for me, and at times they flare up and I can’t put my finger on the reason why…. I observe and catch trends quickly. Maybe there isn’t an actual reason. Just random. Not based on me or what I do. Even though I’ve tried everything to keep it at a minimum. 

So things are at 25% give or take the day. I KNOW for a fact I am not a child molestor and would never be in any lifetime, realm or plane. And I’ve watched “Once Upon a Time” all 6/7 seasons 3 times in row at least and Zootopia 2 times a day for a year….. So its time for a change. 

I’m not a TV person actually. I love music, but TV (and writing) engages my mind a bit more to take my mind away from these demons. Listening to music is intimate for me. Before I would go to my special place and make dances that melded into painting turning into a music video. I did the mostly on my commute to or from work. Open my eyes and I was in a train car of 100 people in a city of 8 million. Close my eyes and I was alone in my mind painting beautiful songs in my cave. 

What happens when you have unwelcomed guests in your cave? That won’t leave. Scribbling their song of fear. Perversion ……. And hatred over my personal graffiti. 

So fuck it, it doesn’t matter either way. I know myself enough and want to watch something different. I am currently on episode 3 season 2 when I was triggered to write this. 

One of the characters talked about being in “upside down” world where he is able to see these dark entities and reptile things that don’t like light or heat. Being stuck between dimensions. 

In many ways it feels like this “opposite world” where I see these Archon circles, Reptilians, Geckos, Trolls, Ghosts banshees, portals, False light floating symbols, that can not with stand the Sun or joy or love. So in a way I become a vampire always in the dark, because these energy vampires keep me weak enough to not go outside but alive enough to feed off and play with me. 

I know its not real real. … Like “Stranger Things” is not a documentary. But certain shows or songs, words always find there way to me AFTER I’ve experience certain things and I’m like “OMG you guys its a synchronicity! ” but thats the lure of the dark, and false light always keep you guessing, mysteriousness so you always stay in the trap of trying to figure things out because YOU think there is some gift….. A pot of goal at the end of that dark evil rainbow. Either way I want out. 

Maybe “Stranger Things” is taking from what some of us are really experiencing and turning it into entertainment. Like those scientists represent CERN, which I have not read up on but my friends, who experience the same I, believe that CERN did something to our world that made us vulnerable and more tangible to dark forces. Like they “lifted the veil”, only we want shit put back down. And ELeven (from stranger things) and the other kid is Us who can feel or sense what is happening to us or the other side. Its strange cause other people are having astral sex and atral projecting to Saturn. .. And past life regressing and channeling and having a grand old time and I’m like “the fuck are y’all doing?”. Even when I would read about people doing this I was like “nah I’m good”. There was no lure for me at most I wanted to do shrooms and maybe tripp and see like smurfs or something, but again that would have been from MY own mind. Not whatever disgusting hive mind from the 4th dimension that uses radio, WiFi, emf waves to penetrate our cells and move around or communicate or take over our bodies. The ones that are stalking me prefer ambient (none focused on sound) TV as it seems easier to associate words with their agenda then from my mind. 

So that’s my “Stranger Things” experience, only I’m kinda living it and it sucks. 

 https://youtu.be/j1-xRk6llh4

Crazy Talk: What I See 👽👀

So I finally drew what I see. These are not visions. They are like some times like the “logos” I described in a previous post. 

I posted this to a light worker group cause terrible drawing but this is what I see. The big ones are actually 3Dish like I can move but it won’t move is just kinda sits there in my bathroom. 

Most of the hallucinations are flat or super imposed. Or visions. 

Either way I got the normal “see a doc” thing. But mostly confirmation that they are negative Entities. As much as they want to convince me this is a “test” or have something to teach me.

I got the normal, salt, sage, other herbs, crystals, meditation, prayer, commanding them to leave, bright white light of protection, calling in angels and guides, eat healthy, be happy, grouding, dont talk to them. But I really really really did all of that. 

I don’t know if I or it or them are coming or going I just know I am tired.

Here is hoping I can push through. Just trying figure out if I shough do meds or not. I remember when I didn’t hear them, they were doing these crazy insane pass out almost headaches and sparkles and little tricks like that.

I will figure out what my next move will be. 

Got Weed? 🌴

Where the weed at?

So last night I smoked some weed to see what will happen. Just two or three puffs. Lol it doesn’t take much. I always wondered how my friends could smoke a whole L to the head but whatever.

So smoking almost immediately the voice went into scary mode unlike when I take an edible. Edibles tend to be more popped out. I didn’t “feel” as high as I normally do. When I smoke usually I feel opened up. Exposed to the world. I’ve even felt that way with this Entity completely sober. So its strange.

This time though when I say it went in IT WENT IN to try to scary me. This time felt more like mind control. It was a constant bombardment of EVERYTHING being related back to child abuse. It stated off with the Entity saying, “It….. Was ….. A-pparent………….. To me” trying to suggest that I was this demons mother and hurt it in a past life or some bullshit. And I just smoked my weed and gave it a big NAH.

Kept trying to convince me in every possible way, almost like it did when it tried to convince me it was God. It was like a very strong feeling. And I wasn’t budging. So I decided to watch Once Upon A Time….. And I mean this demon was relating EVERYTHING to child abuse. The most innocent of details…. To the whole storyline. Its almost like i had this Entity just streamed thoughts of child abuse in a mind control manner and just was like NOPE. It was twisting it make it seem like there was even an aundertone of child abuse. And I was just like NOPE NOPE NOPAh! Not falling for any of the bullshit.

Even my dream once i went to sleep, though there where no images, the entiry tried to give a “theme” of child abuse, it almost felt separate like it didn’t even go with the dream but interjected in this strange way, like a tick. It was woa intense. But I’m not falling for any of it.

Not this life, not past life, no other dimensions….. Its a NO!

Either way I might smoke some more just to see how stupid this Entity Demon gets. Not because I necessarily want to talk about child abuse ever again in my life.

This is like mental/ spiritual gentrification. 

Kiss my ass demon!

1111 Movement and “Spirituality” 

Twin flames, Angel Numbers, Arch Angels, 1111 movement, “Light Workers”, ect.

I came into 1111 “movement” thing because since I was young I saw flashes of light and sparkles, when I was around 28ish basically I started seeing the 1111 along with 777 everywhere. 

I always loved symbology as an artist so. When I found out that the flashes of light AND the numbers popping up meant “my angels were around me”. I felt comforted as not too long before some dude attempted to rob me at my job.

I finally found an answer to the flashing lights that wasn’t a tumor…. And a reason for everything in my life coming up 777 receipt, bus fare, numbers on my spread sheet. Insane. But that’s part of the game. 

Still not fully understanding (and still not), in 2016, those “angels” became “demons”. Who once had my trust played all kinds of games and tortured me. And there was one. Just one cause I’m not that special. Just one that played so many characters through the delusion. 

So unfortunately ive some to my own conclusion that this angel, love and light, 1111 movement is just a distraction and is based on a lie. If they were actual angels of love and light…. Great. But they are not. They are not assisting anyone in evolving or ascending or whatever you want to think.

Thinging you “ascending to 5D earth” or this whole “clearing karma” is not much different than the “doomsday peppers” or judgment day or rapture. Like that guy who predicted we were all gonna die on 12/12/12. Cheat you out of your life and work. 

They do the same thing with other beliefs and religions it seems.

Its sad that a beautiful concept is now being used to entrap people into a lie. Like how many people are out here talking and channeling “Arch Angel Micheal” ? Doesn’t he have better things to do than to be giving tarot card readings? Maybe I’m just being too logical.

I’m not fond of lies. I mean that’s why you even go to a tarot card reader? To find out the truth right? Meanwhile you are boldly being lied to.

This guy gave me a book to read “Conversations with God” trash. That ain’t God! I haven’t finished it cause this demon keeps making it gross like everything else…. But I’m gonna finish it before I trash it.

I wish I knew the answer cause I would tell you, but these things are out here deceiving people. No you are not invoking Isis, Ochun, Thor or anything else. They are a lying to you. 

Now if they want to tell the truth…. Cool we can have a conversation. But the only way they will is if they make it seems like they have power over you. That they are greater than you. And Yea they have a few tricks for our brain…. But if they were really that amazing there would be no need to lie or hide or hurt people and call it “Ascension symptoms”. Ain’t no light worker helped with this shit yet. All they doing is making pretty crystal grids and praying to their own demon while taking peoples money. 

Getting tired of the bullshit. 

My assumption is that they are pathetic lonely beings all going to the same school to spook people…. Cause they ain’t got nothing else better to do with their formless existence but try to cheat you out of yours.

Spirituality does not mean sitting her playing with fucking spirits. It means being aware of your own. 

You want an awakening. There it is. 

Wake the fuck up!

The point . 

So what’s the point of all this? 

Almost every belief torn down for what? 

Torn down and still shimmers in its beauty, essence, goodness. Beautiful stones that were used to build prisons.

So now what? 

I will not bow down.

You and your kind have lied to my people. Misguided…. And divided. And we are done. The lies are sooooo deep we even think they are good.

So why are you still here?

I am no longer interested in entertaining your game…. Or play… Deception

We’ve come to a point….  And your side seems desperate.

Leave!

Not Sure How I Feel

I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off after my ex (“twin”) and I broke up. 

Since, I was sent into a spiral down the rabbit hole and I’m looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Its like being high enjoying the trip for the first hour or so…. Only to be tripping for 8 hours. Mine is going on 2years. 

I’m still trying to figure out if my TF was/is love or lust. Or why it triggered obessesion. I hate feeling like this. I felt like I wasn’t myself in reaction to him. Impulsive and obsessive. 

I’m trying to breathe through it. Unfortunately cigarettes have replaced my air, sugary things my love and sleep my energy. 

I tried to keep an open mind. Hoping that there is a point to this. But I feel like I’m in a loop. One moment maybe for a day I’m like …. Ok… You got this… You can get your life back together… And then…. “Reality” sets in of my current circumstance and I’m like oh… Yea… That. 

I feel so broken and drained idk if even my “twin” could make me feel better…. Even though that is all I longed for during this difficult time.

I researched everything to give a name to this voice and feeling. Twin flame, archon alien attachment, entity, negativity, lower dimentional beings, incubus, ghost, spirit, false twin flame, demon, kundalini awakening, ascension, descension, purging, negative soul ties, soul star chaka, chakra imbalance, repitian brain, spirit husband, good old fashion curse/spell, and the ever so medicated schizophrenia. 

😩

All I know is I feel like shit, not like myself. I know that this thing is not my “(false)/twin flame” while may predict or rather influence, it is not my Ex. 

I feel it on my head, in my chest…. on my genitles. Its hard for me to be social, I feel so weighed down, a lack of energy I’m not use to. To matter how much sleep I get or coffee I drink. 

I tired of feeling like something has a grip on me…. My life.

Death becomes Her

Today my grandma passed. For weeks the spirit was telling me “your grandmas going to die today.” I refused to believe it. 

In the wake of my grandmothers passing the spirit continues, “you are not a mother” , “your ex is never coming back”, ” die for your ex today”. Amoung other things that are said. I may have had maybe 5mins in total in the last year where this spirit hasn’t constantly spoken. Other than sleep… And even in sleep my dreams are totally different. 

“Die for your ex today”

“Die of child molestation.”

“You get no one”

Today I couldn’t even cry for my grandma. I cried for me…. I can’t even reminisce of my grandma… Because my mind is being constantly bombarded with this spirit. He has tried to call himself my ex…. He has also tried to call himself God.

And my mind is slowly starting to go. I’m checking out more…. Forgetting things more. I thought checking out… Meditating would calm things down. Only for him to go in for the kill. Like an echo in my brain and I have no way of truly stopping it. 

Sometimes when I’m laying down I can feel sound. Often its in my head or gentials. This is more than being sensitive. Although he has “turned down” his voice and I do not hear him on the TV as much …. I still hear him…. Although I will never see him… I feel his influence over my body and mind. 

Unwanted and unwelcomed.