Length of Torture 😞

In my previous post the poster said that we aren’t supposed to be tortured for longer that 5 months and then 14 months.

That’s pretty much a year and a half and I have been tortured for 2.5 years and counting.

As much as they try to position themselves as “angels” or “authority” I know they are nothing but demons…… regular ass demons. They can’t even pretend to be good that’s how evil they are.

Their idea of a “good day” is calling me a fat bitch and molesting me less times through out the day. Maybe not choking me or giving me a migraine that day or for too long. But they still will suggest some nasty thoughts, still make fun of me, still on my body……. still threaten my family and me…..

DEEP BREATHS!!!

So apparently I’m wicked for being gay previously and having to do sex work a decade and a half ago to pay rent (it wasn’t even that serious). And I had sex outside of wedlock with my boyfriends and girlfriends who I honestly had hoped one day to marry or have a stable life with.

I guess I am wondering WHY is the torture extended for me? Is time different?

I’m bummed that God only sees me as wicked right now. I have a story ….. some talents …. and a love for God. I’m not sure if it means anything.

Advertisements

God Speaks?

I was half asleep this morning and my sister had the tv turned on to the The Real talk show and a guest said “when god speaks to you you listen cause god will bless you” and later went on about how she listened to what God told her to do and he blessed her life.

In my case if I would have believed it the loud voice telling me what to do I would have killed myself. Which I attempted twice purely because of the torture.

So how do you know its God?

Do you know what type of twilight zone I’m living in where there are 8 foot Mantis pretending to be God?

And POSSIBLY people listening to this thing and have wonderful blessed lives because of it?

Would the world better off with out me?

This is all just so confusing and weird.

Running on Empty

So I don’t regret dropping everything to figure out what was/ is going on with me. BUT I am kind of stuck or at a stalemate.

I’ve studied every way of possibly looking at the situation. I’ve taken their medication checked all my vitals. Prayed……

But I have to admit I’m stuck. I’m not sure where or how to start to address this and that’s not my nature. If anything I am normally a fixer or a problem solver so not being able to create a plan out of this situation is truly torture. I’ve exhausted all options and running out what little patience I already have.

The only thing keeping me going is a story of what this COULD be but at this point they are so absurd and ridiculous that’s becoming a bore.

None of that is bringing me closer than to my goal of happy and healthy.

I keep envisioning myself loosing weight again at the gym dancing biking being social creative independent working but idk…..

Everything depends on these demons leaving. They are so heavy and painful. When they would try to possess me they would joke and say ” she can’t even hold me lol”.

So ………. I can try hard or even smart. But I’m not sure if my efforts will be worth it unless paired with Gods grace.

And not even sure what to do in the mean to cope other than sleep as to not be conscious to the GROSS thoughts they implant.

I feel guilty for not being active or as active as I want to be. The most I can do is find others online like me and try to be of comfort and service that way. To know they ….. we are not alone and they are strong… but I share my raw vulnerability in hopes that I find away to make changes… soon.

That’s the best I can do.

I’m trying my best.

Deep breaths πŸ˜”

Matrix: Brainwashing : Trigger Words

So you know how a lot of those hippy new age blogs say “just ask the universe” , then we step the game up with the business Guru’s who tell you the CORRECT way to ask the universe.

Positive affirmations basically. Not only with your thoughts and words but with actions and it can be a slow process.

So if you are trying to diet, instead of saying “I’m not going to EAT” you would say “I am full” something like that. Also I’m a goofy so I like to eat so I previously would indulge in making decadent healthy dishes. It was fun to turn something that wasn’t AS healthy more healthy.

The reason I mention this is TRIGGER WORDS. We all have them programmed in us consciously or unconsciously. Essentially they are there. These can be goals, fears, subconscious programming from the media (internet, tv, music, new, ect), culture.

Well these Entities (Mantis /Reptilian) telepathically brainwash through fear. The fear keeps you distracted until you realize it’s an illusion then it just becomes annoying.

What they do is implant triggers while you are too focused on pain and fear and the situation

Next thing you know your SO lost.

They said there is free will but I believe when only two choices are presented that is not free will. That is a false sense of choice.

I was on my weight loss journey for 4 years lost a solid 100lb+ becoming “schizophrenic”. I was able in my own time to eliminate what wasn’t working for me this included smoking too since I was working out more. You can feel thatπŸ’©. So I maybe two at the end of the day. Some days none. I also worked with kids and didn’t want to smell like smoke so this made me try t be more responsible. Including working out in the off season so I kept my muscles active (I worked at a farm). So I was proud of my accomplishments with my body even was healing symptoms of PCOS. Then BOOM ATTACK from another dimension!

With all that said….. that was the track that I was on and I did NOT THINK this track was even fathomable.

What these entities would do is…. say “Stop smoking” , “Don’t eat anything here (this house/realm)”. What I found was that I would do the opposite I would smoke more every time they mentioned stop smoking I would eat more every time he mentioned don’t eat or eat or go smoke a cigarette so the point was trigger words. The trigger words were smoke and eat there or both positive affirmations for doing the action. Actions that I had been previously had worked years to work on fixing my habits.

And all it took was less than a year.

They kept me in pain by mentioning things about childhood fears break ups mistakes made maybe a little wires that were told anything that would keep a person and guilt shame and fear. And this would happen nonstop over and over all day every day waking sleeping for about 2 1/2 years now.

The triggers have become habits so it’s a way of feeling like the entities can control me but I am now more so addicted to smoking then I was say or year ago I am a lot of this is because I am not as physically active because of the energetic pain that the entities put on me. And I know that it’s an illusion but it’s still a part of my daily reality.

So now that I know my triggers or the triggers programming that was put inside of me now what?!

If I was going to ask the universe for anything would be to remove these entities so that I can actually know what is me!

When I close my eyes I see the entities placing black patches over my vision so that I can’t see what is in front of me or around me so that I can’t fully see you with my third eye or good eyes or whatever you want to call them. These aren’t dreams. This is fully awake. But probably what dreams/ nightmares are made of.

So the fact that I’m being kept from being my fullest or true potential is telling me that I need for fleet of entities to attack me on a daily basis for over two years that I have to be energetically locked down in one place that I’m not allowed to pretty much go anywhere. A mother have to put black patches over my eyes or my third eyes so that I don’t see what they don’t want me to see how much is them attacking me regularly.

So think of the trigger words like curses or spells every time the entity says stop smoking as much as I want to think that this entity has my best interest at heart it doesn’t.

Really what is saying is to smoke causing confusion more confusion so that it can maintain control. What this entity is staying at the end of the day is SMOKE!

It doesn’t want me to be healthy or happy and what’s funny is my last letter to my ex (false twin flame) is that, that is what I wished for him.

And I meant it.

So now that I know the triggers are curses spells brainwashing what do I do?

I’m in a super tricky situation. Because I can’t seem to cancel them out as much as I have tried with ” positive affirmations”. There are at least 50-100 in my house alone.

Deep breath!

A Truth: Reconciliation ⏰

So I have seen 100s of different “entities” during this 3 year long attack. Mantis, aliens, golems, reptilians, troll, teddy bears, parasites, dragons, regular demons, geckos, “acturians”, vampire, ghosts, Shadow “people”, lotus’, sunflowers and daisies, butterflies, infinity symbols, Isis and Osiris statue, cats, mermaids, like half woman half man human esq faces, and countless other ones I can not describe. MOST that I see seem to be just heads. Head cut off by a circle. They were almost drawings and could be anything or anyone.

Now I HAVE heard my ex’s voice actually still do unfortunately. I’ve heard my mother’s and fathers. I’ve heard pretty much all of my coworkers when I was really loosing my mind. And that is why I thought it was originally telepathy.

I also hear 2 male voices and a female voice that I do not know who they are but they the main harassers. (“Gang stalkers”)

And I guess that’s where I came to a am epiphany. I saw 100s of astrals all over my NYC apartment. On the TV, on the enclosing my room creating a matrix, on my dresser in the hallway…… like woa, but my assumption is that they are all derivatives fragments of the same whole and can conglomerate at anytime and …………. say………. go back to what ever layer of hell it came from? Maybe?

I will hear the same voice coming off the TV in the living room or in my sisters room depending. Both have a little purple energy blob (actually more than one) hanging around it. That’s why ambient TV kills me because the Entity can manipulate sound as long as sound is happening. If not they they resort to white noise in the ears.

ANY WAYS, besides all of the different costumes (out of the 100s of Entities I have seen I still don’t know who has been speaking to me), and ALL the different “personalities” they try to pull off (such as my friends, family, coworkers, ex’s, lololol GOD lol) one thing has remained the same is their ACTUAL personality. One I’m not familiar with. So I’m going to assume at least one is new, but if I assume too much that just create more story and story gives them more play time.

Generally speaking these entities fit the profile of a “reptilian” sexually perverted, controlling, mean, manipulative, liars, mind control, dark negative thoughts all that corny shit. Most will just call them demons.

Be it targeted individuals, attacked “awakened” (whatever the fuck that means now a days), schizophrenics, or possessed, the voices are all generally the same. Vile, sexually depraved, twisted “consciousness”. They repeat the same shit over and over and over and over πŸ™„ and over and over again. Looping the same gross ass thought and trying to convince YOU that’s YOU lol when it’s THEM! Even when you know!

So the fact that these Entities are generally the same either saying the same thing or with the same agenda speaks volumes. But of course each person has their own individual life so of course each fragment of this energy will be tailored to them more less.

But there are too many commonalities. And I’m starting to get really over this…… and I’m pretty sure others are as well.

I don’t need proof with all these photos (although I have it). I don’t need to listen to them because all they have done is caused pain and looped it, lead me astray in my true “spiritual” journey and distracted me from my joy.

I know it’s not easy that’s why they use mind control tactics in our sleep. But for those that are struggling in this fucked up false ass matrix……….

πŸ‘ΎπŸ‘ΎπŸ‘Ύ GAME OVER!!! πŸ‘ΎπŸ‘ΎπŸ‘Ύ

Monkey Mind πŸ™‰πŸ™ˆπŸ™Š

“Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil”

I heard about the “monkey mind” here and there in reference to meditation. I think I just assumed it was the normal “thoughts” when you are trying to meditate and your mind loops “make sure to do this or that , hmm I want coffee after this, my back hurts, ect” ….. very rarely I would get a random image.

After being attacked the loops became more subtle the visions more often and it was all with the goal of mind control. One thing the quote above doesn’t mention feeling. Often burns and pinches and buzzing and electrocuted….. feeling raped … either end ….. held down or harnesses or cuffs. Like someone held my hand or kisses me. There where a lot of feelings and then SUGGESTIONS by the Entities as to what those feelings were or what they meant or what they symbolized.

But essentially it was all a lie.

Where I thought there was a ring on finger was probably a astral parasite placed there by an Entity. The harness that forced me to sit up straight and was part of their “domination” fantasy was probably also a bunch of astral parasites wrapped around my body, because the wanted to “teach me how to be a lady”.

So I hear, see, feel, but TRY not to speak evil, although it is spoken to me…… lies. Lie after lie after lie after lie.

The monkey mind is real but I have a house party going on and I don’t know why or how to stop it even if I keep an “empty” mind, they just fill it…… with nonsense….. none stop talking about stuff that makes no sense. Stuff from tv in a different room, mixed with the title of an email from a week ago sealed with their normal sexual perversions. So I’m observing the babbling and occasionally will be like HUH? But will go back to just trying to an “empty mind” or pretending it is or just not engaging the Entities since they are completely insane.

There was a certain amount of monkey mind I agreed to or I thought was normal. The to do lists the getting things done ya know and then when the attacks happened and the house party happened I wasn’t totally aware what was truly MY internal dialogue.

There are spiritual concepts of “expanding consciousness” and I often wonder what is that? What or who or how is “consciousness” being expanded? Is this just another lie? Another trick to agreeing to allowing our bodies to being used until they can’t anymore.

I honestly don’t even see how these Entities can continue…… I can barely move some days. Again if I take a photo I can see ways in which I have been probed with their parasites and toy and tools and whatever else they use to do what they do.

I KNOW I’ve tried my best from many angles and I know I gotta be “patient”. But being stuck in the house because I don’t want these Demonic Entities to use little random children for pedophile shit in my mind is such a GRIM existence and I’m not sure if what I am waiting for will ever arrive. And I hear of so many schizophrenics who are stuck in the house for one reason or another for most of their life.

I once said something to the extent “It’s not how long you wait it’s what you do in the moments you wait.” This was to touch on being patient and intentional. But the things I would normally do in the “moments that I wait” I can’t engage in. I can’t go to the gym or farmers market …. lay out in a park for hours….. just take it easy until that next phase of life happens.

I don’t know how to cope or deal or heal with this one. All I have is faith that the demons are trying so hard to take away or condemn me for when I don’t have the perfect answer.

Big Deep Breaths! 🐨

Unawakened Father

TRIGGER TRIGGER: Gross πŸ’©

Ok so I wanted to document in my blog how these DEMONS are trying to play me. And I really don’t know what to do. I made the best decision I could granted my Demonic situation and I really don’t know what else to do to DEESCALATE the situation and TURN UP because I know that’s what’s these DEMONS want.

So. (Big deep breath) my father watches porn. I don’t care that my father watches porn. I mean up until 6 years ago I did too but I stopped. I’m not going to porn shame although I hold mixed feelings all together. Shaming others is not the way. Be it the industry or consumers. But yea….. all beside the point.

Point is. My “room” is an enclave with a sonji screen so privacy is so a minimum all it fits is a bed. I try to remain thankful although the loud noises and TVs can really make me want to run.

So my father normally does his work at the kitchen table about 6 to 8 feet from my enclave and because I am awakened at 3 or 4am every fucking night no matter the Benadryls I am normally awake when he leaves.

At first I would make him coffee and a kind gesture if I had the time. And almost felt it was my duty to send him off into the city jungle with a happy toned “have a good day!”. But soon …………. sometime into this ritual I started hearing porn sounds coming from his computer.

First time it was whatever, I laid in my bed motionless as the demons made a huge deal out of this moment and started flashing images of my father penis, or a penis and my father jerking off. And the demons would molest or rape me as the did this all from a moment of moans from porn.

I’ve personally avoided sex scenes in tv shows enjoy (ex: Magicians).

So while I don’t porn shame I do wish I wasn’t around ……. maybe me? I don’t know if I’m being too extra with that. I would rather be asleep and I have tried to knock myself out with 8 Benadryl so I would have to be up at his hour so that the demons can rape me on this incest play.

I wrote my father an email directly to him. Asking him if he could use his tablet and watch porn in his bed room. ” cause no one wants that image of their father” and I tried to keep it none judgmental and more about the fact that the demons harm me. I check his email and I didn’t see it in his email but I know I heard the email notification go off when I sent it.

BUT I think he did it again….. today………. and even if he didn’t the demons are trying to make me think he did so that I turn the fuck up and cause some drama and get my ass kicked out my parents house AGAIN. Like I have to sit there in fear and be molested by god knows how many spirit demons. And I’m tired. I tried to be open and clear and father ignored it and me. And now there’s going to be tension.

This is because the demons for whatever reason want to make me “aunt Joycey“, and I don’t even know what that me at THERE level cause they keep using it as an insult but but my aunts awesome.

There whole thing is that they want me to move to my aunts now and leave my mom who they gave a stroke and a heart attack and my sister a stroke to. And I don’t know why. But I do know they are taking advantage of an awkward situation that I would normally would be able to let go and blowing it up and making me look at my dad differently and really fucked up cause I know it’s not that deep to a man who is unaware and unawake.

I didn’t want to drag my mom into this, cause that’s drama. I didn’t want to mention this again cause drama and I just was hoping he would understand but again it’s already in motion….. it’s already in my head ……. even if he never does again it will loom around will this demon rape me at 5am because my father watched porn. Trying make me run away to my aunt J house?

Yea that’s my life right now.

Spiritual Warfare: God’s Purpose For It

My friend sent me this. I’m struggling with this because according to this we are experiencing spiritual oppression because God wants us to.

Throughout most of this I’ve never got mad at God…. only asked why was this happening. But the topics, such as rape and incest and child abuse and racism and lies and more lies and confusion and insane things I couldn’t even come up with pass through my mind for no reason by these demons ……. I just don’t know. It says it’s suppose to bring us discipline and closer to God….. but now I’m more confused.

Because I kept telling this demon that kept trying to call itself God, my God would never say that…. or show me that or do that…. I feel stupid now. I don’t know what to trust anymore after being abused like this.

I’m kinda in a stank face mood about all of this processing this right now. I guess I missed this part about purposeful suffering for no reason or discipline sake. πŸ˜”β˜ΉοΈπŸ˜£

Does a Curse make you go to hell? πŸ”₯β˜ƒοΈπŸ”₯

If someone or something cursed you or whatever do you automatically go to hell? Like even if you are a decent person?

Like what does it mean to be cursed?

All I see and hear and feel is damn near close to hell. And I have no idea why I would be cursed but there are bad people and beings that do unspeakable things.

But what does that mean ? Are we only cursed in this life or are we then dragged to hell by default because of the things we see and hear?

Idk what this all is. I am not afraid. But I’m kindaaaaaaa over it? I honestly don’t even have the attention span for this schizophrenic demonic reptilian incubus curse.

Lightened Photo

If I didn’t see this shape drop down in front of my eyes or mark my skin then I would say hey this prolly just a camera glitch.

This is the first time I caught on camera what I was drawing.

No one else is seeing it…  And its clear as day and making me feel crazy. And I thought I was a rational person.