This is what Schizophrenia looks like

So in the last month or so my therapist has been telling me I don’t “look schizophrenic” or act it etc. for whatever reason I don’t fit the bill. Which is fine because I’m probably not because this is an Entity matrix problem but whatever.

Then recently I’m taking all their cocktails of medications and my friends and family are now telling me me “I lost my spark or energy” ” my eyes are dull” and I have low enough self esteem because I don’t feel believed by anyone “sane” that I’m really going through this, and I pretty much ate my feelings and cookies were my drug of choice.

So I lost 4 years of a weight lost journey because of this. I gained 100lb in almost 1 year. I did not leave my house or bed. And I comforted my self with sweets and zootopia cause I was being shown vile images of child abuse. (This was post sui attempt). It’s all I had the energy to do, since there were days I barely had the beefy to make it to the bathroom the energy was so heavy. I would feel dizzy, or nauseous. These feelings usually come from when the main larger entities are in the room. Or on you.

On a normal partial possession they use smaller entities with less (like the hairball astral spiders ) or no consciousness as a leash to connect.

I know this is off topic but this my journal and I am free writing. So 😊

Either way I already feel like shit about how I look. And how I feel. And being being believed. And it’s being highlighted now. Even though I plan to loose weight soon, not totally for how I look but mor about my health and happiness and I want to cleanse our organs and I want to see if that has anything to do with schizophrenia and or matrix possession.

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The Matrix: Stick Figures

So another thing (among many) that I see with in this hell matrix that I am stuck in is at my friends house I see all these huge stick figures. Like heads with spines and then tripod foot. And I have seen them shoot off of each other as well. So one long “stick” or “spine” in the middle and then a small head on top and the two “arms” where it seems like arms would almost be. Maybe a little lower or in the middle. And and a small head on each of those sticks.

This feeds into something that I heard a while back that “reptilians travel in 3s” which may not be exactly true to the species but maybe to what is going on as most of us are only seeing in part.

Maybe I am seeing the bare bones of an entity before they can create a creature to scare anyone. And maybe these creatures are 3 parts to them. Idk I’m just thinking out loud. I was told I had 3 poltergeist on me before I knew anything was really going on for real. Just had a funny feeling like something wasn’t right. So I went to a psychic and she said I had 3 poltergeist 😳 cause my lights kept turning out and doing crazy stuff. Another woman a demonologist said my “spirit guide” pick up some new friends along the way. Some real assholes they are that is fo sho.

I have been more attacked at my best friends house like I was at my parents house in the beginning of all of this. They want me to run away like they wanted me to do at my parents. And it’s the same pattern. New look, new house same shpeel.

Of course they keep dangling the attack of my godson in my face. But that is not my choice that is theirs. And I won’t know if they are still attacking him is I am gone. They did they same thing with my sister when I saw them attacking my sister. Told me to kill myself or to run away and they won’t attack her anymore. And I was my sister caretaker during her stroke recovery. Same shpeel.

Either way. I think those stick figures accumulate other Astral parasite from the matrix and create a “light body” of sorts you can do a lot with it if you create it with the right geometry the right matrix. It becomes its own world. It’s where dreams are made. Illusions are created and eventually lies are told.

I wish the lie didn’t hurt this bad. But it does. It’s bad for the soul, the heart, the mind. 5 minutes of these astral demons playing around in our lives can cost us our lives.

I Gave Up Everything 😞

So I think because the story of Job we are encouraged to just let things go when life is taking a nose dive into a hot concrete pavement.

I mean I let go my job which I loved, my relationships, friendships, all my possessions (cause I could no longer afford to have them in storage), my comfort, dreams for what I thought my life would be like, health, money (3k in spiritual services), beliefs, food, sex, even at one point stopped wearing jewelry, ……….. I honestly don’t know what more to give up. I know the voices wanted me to run away and be homeless AGAIN. And I’m not doing that. The main reason I didn’t run away was that my sister had a stroke and I needed to be there to help her otherwise I’m not sure what I would have done to try to make this voice and torture stop. But I gave a lot. And I’m done giving up everything. Short of my life (which they even asked me to commit suicide almost everyday and I attempted twice because of the child sex abuse visions).

And while I am all for Gods corrections at what point are we just allowing ourselves to just be tortured and misdirected by demons who want to present themselves as Gods or Authorities?

I made the intention to go back to school hopefully next year and so what I have been doing is studying “spirituality” in its different forms. Recently studying I tried to study the Zohar which is the study of the soul and Gods correction of the soul but the demons just like the Bible made it extremely difficult to read and study. Twisting concepts around. I have come to plateau with these demons. I know how they work. They say and do the same things over and over again. I see what they look like even if they look different. So more or less I see how they build on each other or connect to each other and me. So I’m pretty much done and annoyed. But more annoyed and a bit disheartened that I might not be able to finish school like I want to. I just don’t want to waste money or fuck up cause of this experience or be in class and them talking about how I want to fuck my teacher or classmates all day. Cause that is NOT how I think!

I have been waiting on this miracle, but I’m not sure to what extent I am suppose to step out and what part I’m suppose to wait. I’ve been laying in this bed for a good 2.5 years and I’m done. I’m as zen as I’m gonna get. I’m not a threat to anyone. Maybe myself if I don’t figure out how to get this demon out. Cause I KNOW it’s not schizophrenia…. I have photos proving it’s not…. it’s definitely an entity and it stalks me all day and never shuts up. Why it’s stalking me I don’t know, but I can’t say I’ve done anything to justify this torture. I’m not perfect, but shit man…… this is out of control.

So I guess I wanted to check myself on all that I have given up on thinking it would help me shake this demon and it hasn’t helped.

Taking these extremes have helped me in same ways uncover who these demons really are. No they weren’t my ex, or my coworkers as they pretended to be. No it wasn’t God (thank God for discernment). No this wasn’t schizophrenia because they were stupid enough to show up in my photos. And this wasn’t because I was a terrible person and deserved it, no different than like anyone else that is sick and deserved it. You can do everything right and still get sick.

So I still have a lot to sort through. But I while giving up everything DID uncover them…… I am starting to feel like I am only self harming and living a life of misery (which is what they want). It’s so weird being a happy depressed person. Like I still have optimism but like I wanna die cause I hate this experience and the pedo shit.

There are days I wake up in bed and the demon says it wants to have sex with me and of course I say NO and of course it molests me anyway. It will try hard to make me almost feel sleepy or drunk. And I will end up going back to sleep because my energy is zapped. Like that’s my fucking sad ass life. The pedo/ father shit didn’t start until I realized it wasn’t my ex ( false twin flame) and I started rejecting this demon. My life is SO fucking sad and lame. But I’m trying to remain hopeful. I guess it was my fault for thinking two people could love each other so much they could have telepathy. But it wasn’t my fault. I just didn’t know.

Womp womp!

Anyway!

Targeted Individuals: Trolls and Trauma

So some of the TI forums I watch are infested with internet trolls. Men who watch TIs who are in their worst state and make fun of them call them crazy and retarded. All kinds of names. They get creative for the giggles I guess. Many of the TI call them perps but they aren’t they are just losers in a group like any other group trolling for the shits and giggles calling people mentally ill, however I firmly believe that trolls have a mental illness that that has not been uncovered or looked into yet as a community. But hey I’m not psychologist.

And I mean often times i read some people’s post and it is hard to read, or it does sound crazy or the person is frantic and paranoid. And it reminds me a lot of some of my earlier posts where I’m just like “fuck these fucking guys they ar fixing doing this to me fucking fuck” cause this shit HURTS! And it drives you insane.

Luckily I worked much of it out in an anon blog and with friends in private. Also in schizophrenic forum but I used very specific language. Very rarely brought up stuff about reptilian or matrix or any of that stuff unless someone else did. But mainly tried to talk about HOW the voices work. How they try to twist your mind around. Get you worked up. And how we must actively work to combat that.

The TI community is hurting HARD. I would say more than the schiz community because most don’t have the proper support networks. I mean there are like people who are YouTube who speak out and troll infested Facebook groups. They have rallies. But some think it’s the government and are really really adamant about that. Some think it’s spiritual like demons and some think it’s its aliens like reptillians. And maybe all 3 who knows lol.

As any case I think a lot of it is someone listening. Sorting through what is real and what is not real. I mean that is what I had to do on my own really. Sort through what was the voices and what was not over the course of 4+ years. What was me what was not me. And just give myself that space to do so. Granted I know most working people probably don’t have that kind of time because you add asshole coworkers and asshole drivers all in the mix and it’s a disaster. But we have to start breaking this shit down and start healing this shit.

Targeted Individuals are really on my list of people I hope find healing and relief. I mean feeling burned all night and day, not having control over your body? Someone speaking speaking through you? Pain constantly? Non stop voices? Tasting shit and piss? Rape? Sick visions? Body convulsing? See demons and aliens ghosts and shadows? It’s pure torture! All day!

So when I read these post I see people who are traumatized. And maybe people who are re-traumatized. There maybe other trauma that maybe has not been dealt with that is being played on and has not been settled. Will it stop all the torture NO but it will lessen it and our response to it. It won’t hurt as much. We won’t be as upset by it. But then again the experience it self is traumatic…. and that is something itself is something to unpack at some point.

🙏🏼

Targeted Individual: Meditative State

I spent about 2 years+ so far in a meditative state.

This was me training myself. I did not have a guru. Youtube videos were not doing it for me. It was an organic way of just being aware of my what was happening. An observation of the things that were happening to me that i could not control.

I was being shown strong visions i could not control, my body was vibrating and convulsing, emotions i could not control and often did not connect with. I see aliens and demons floating around, orbs, sparkles. Hearing the most vile things while they try to convince me that some of these vile thoughts are my own.

It took observation and a slowling down to understand what was me and what was not me.

So an example would be i would in my room and i would hear my dad go into to living room. The voices/demon aliens would then show me a vision of a penis ( i have no idea if it is my fathers cause i aint see it and i aint trying to) and then say i want to have sex with my father. Now the awareness of my father being there, that is natural and me. Everything else is NOT. And it use to upset me to the point i would cry because i just could not understand why out of no where one day i am having these incestuous thoughts. But I had to realize they are not mine.

Even one day i my dad and i had dinner together (first time ever) when i went to visit him on the beach and i was admiring his big bright blue eyes and of course the demons aliens turned it gross and raped me there at the table (to make it seem like i was turned on) saying i was attracted to my father. When i was simply cherishing him.

Any attempt at building a loving positive thought was/is ruined. And normally that is who i am. I am the kind of person to tell a random stranger how much i love their outfit. (See update below) Lol at least i use to be.

So all attempts are to keep me from loving positive truthful thoughts. They have even recently twisted my thoughts trying to say i am attracted to my best friends boyfriend, and that is the “play they want”. But im not and i think he is great for her. But because i have a positive thoughts around him (for her)…… It has to turn sexual yet again with these alien demons voices. It cant just be that i think he he is great for her …. It has be taken to another level.

Its always taking it to another level. There is no simplicity with these demon alien voices.

They do the same thing with pedo thoughts as well. I love my godson and might appreciate how silly he is being and they just ruin it with a pedo thought. And I’m stuck there with a frown on my face.

So I noticed FOR ME that a lot of this is centeres around men/boys and my love and or appreciation of them and that being either turned sexual or sour. So with the men i ACTUALLY DATED lol the voices didnt like them and would give negative thought like they are cheating on me or think i am ugly ect ect. But for the men in my life who i appreciated and nothing would ever be sexual they turned sexual in my mind.

Again this is something i spoke about in my blog before. THE OPPOSITE. The alien demon voices constantly trying to convince me of the opposite of what something actually is.

They have done so much sexual vile disgusting thoughts so much and i have had less than supportive dating partners that i give up and i am Asexual at this point. I am overwelmed. Lol and its enough work sorting through the bullshit.

But part of the meditative state is finally getting to the point where you dont have to sort anymore. You just know its bullshit. You allow it to roll by. Its still NOT the life i want to live. But its better than giving it as much energy as i did before and crying into my plate everyday cause i just cant cope.

Much of meditation that i have notices is either creating a space like visualizing yourself at a lake …… Or nothingness. And unfortunately i cant do either. It is very difficult for me to create a whole space now like i use to. The alien demons have enough control of my consciousness to effect that or make it exhausting to execute.

And nothingness is impossible because when i close my eyes i see flashing white lights, “energy” lights flowing, other light beings/ entities, sparkles ect. Nothingness is impossible right now because my energy field is not clear. So alot of my meditative state was going from fear to curiosity (drawing and describing them), to just being ok with them there and letting it roll by …… For now. Again not being excited by the situation.

And sometimes they will give a false sense of fear or being scared. Its like an electric shock to the head or body…… Or false sense of anxiety as they get close to my body. But im like DUDES i see y’all all day every day for 3.5 years, you’ve shown me the most vile things one could see and cried till i cant no more…… I know for a fact that the emotions or anxiety that they where trying to get out of me was false feelings. …… Im not sure HOW they do all that they do….. But im sure they had eons to figure it out.

This is not to say i dont have any emotions at all. I recently became emotional about the child that committed suicide because ICE took her father. And it just killed me. I thought about her emotional state. I thought about how spiritually these entities may have got to her……. How the state (ICE) effected her. Just really upsets me when they get our children and elders. Just the state of the world in general is overwelming. And i allow myself to feel for that for a moment.

But i have this situation at hand to focus on.

And staying on top of that. And staying as “zen” as possible and not letting these alien demons take anymore from my life than they already have.

update: lol on my instagram this photo just showed up which I thought was funny since I just mentioned it here.

GodSon: Little Devils

So I came to babysit for my best friend while she was at school the next few days. And my godson was acting up. But it wasn’t so much that he was acting up or bad …… but he was VERY emotional about it and even more so when I or my friends boyfriend spoke to him about what he was being told to do. It was intense. But that happens every so often, I noticed he starts to crave more attention when there is two or more people in the house. But WHATEVER…..

What really got me is when he said that he had a REALLY BAD headache to the point he almost didn’t want to eat. The headaches or random pain is a very obvious sign of Entity etheric attachment. It is not the main one but smaller ones no bigger than a fist.

So while I was calmly talking to him and giving some time to breathe I stared at the top and sides of his head….. shoulders to see if I saw anything. And low and behold the demon revealed himself. I saw a darkish purple energy outline of the being walking on top of his head AND when I looked at it the demon spewed a sparkly energy orb thing at me so while I might not see exact details of the face I saw enough to know something was attached to him and making him feel bad.

This demon or alien thing has been stalking me wherever I go. Even to the doctors office. I mean I’m not sure if it’s because I am around or not. I have seen some in the children’s playground that had nothing to do with me.

But I don’t understand why they would attach to an innocent child like that! It infuriates me.

I spoke to a friend of mine that does astral healing work (he is really legit and the sweetest man alive) and he said in fact there was a demon attached to both my godson and I. And he removed it.

Today my godson was way more chilled and listening and not super emotional to the point he didn’t even understand why he was feeling the way he was feeling.

It was good to have my sight of the beings confirmed by my friend. But at the same time I’m really upset that it’s happening at all and I just don’t know if it is because of me.

While my friend has been able to remove astral etheric attachments for me before he hasn’t been able to remove the voice that attacks me all day. Just like the really problematic immediate issue or symptom of a larger problem….. the stalking entity. But he is good at what he does and I don’t dole that out to just anyone! Especially after being taken financially taken advantage of by many “healers”.

It was nice to have a very energetically calm day with my godson. It’s too hot for all that mess tbh.

I really wish I had super powers to help heal people in that way. He went to school for this so he knows what he is doing. And he is a teacher. I just wished he could just pluck this nasty one out though. It is literally a thorn in my side.

Trying to remain hopeful I can beat this!

update: my godson is in the kitchen learning how to cook with my best friends boyfriend while I chill writing waiting for dinner and my friend to get home from school. Super loving environment like he deserves!

Best Friend: Fat Shame (pt 2)

Just as update m friend fat shamed again today and I told myself I wouldn’t say anything unless she did it again, cause it was kind of coming out of no where.

So I calmly and humbly told her that she has been fat shaming the last couple of times I been to her house and that it was making uncomfortable. And I know she is taking a health class that is making her think about obesity and we can talk about health and nutrition but actually fat shaming people’s bodies and making a hierarchy of what’s healthy or attractive and what’s not is messed up.

And she listened and little shocked. But listened and apologized for her behavior. She said she didn’t want to be THAT GUY, especially since we both fight for injustice and want to air on the side of right.

So it was pretty simple. I’m glad I told her so these demons can stop replaying in my head to make me feel some way about my best friend and make us grow apart in resentment.

She said thank you for telling her. And that’s what you do to work shit out. Love my bestie! Lol glad it’s over!

Targeted Individuals: Twin Flame – The Ring

This is someone else’s post in a group I am in. Now I wanted to share this aspected because I have actually spoke to MANY women in the “schizophrenic” forum and some spiritual forums who said that they heard from the voices that “we are married”.

I even told my twin flame counselor that in felt like I was married to Satan ….. half jokenly because I was being tortured!

I wrote about this before in my blog search for “spirit husband” or “incubus” as I understood them at the time for this aspect.

The demon alien pretended to be telepathy with my ex (false) twin flame. And wanted time to be faithful until the “next lifetime”. I was guided to look at rings because he was talking about marriage or that we were married. So I was looking at promise rings. Before the demon alien would rape me it would ask me to put the ring on thinking it was my ex.

Once I realized for sure it was not my ex because the demon alien would not stop raping me no matter how much I begged. It would also suffocate me to the point I felt like I was going to pass out from a migraine.

Some may call it a spirit husband to be delivered from. This demon alien has evolved. Once I stopped the twin flame game and wanted the rape to stop it went straight into pedo shit and tried to force me to kill myself.

The game plan was to get me to kill myself regardless. Whether it was for my ex twin flame or pure pedo torture.

Whatever this aspect is I have caught on to their games and patterns. And I am glad people are not afraid to speak out. It’s just we are so divided on what is actually causing this. Government experiment? Corporate Gang stalkers? Spiritual warfare? Alien take over? Purely mental?

How can we all come up with the same thing? Same words? Same games? It’s sick! Ad now I gotta be labeled a schiz for the rest of my life and take their meds that can take 25 years off this miserable existence.

Don’t fall for those tricks! It is not your twin flame! Whatever it is! It is not real telepathy! I doubt you would hear them so loudly. This is not natural whatever it is and waaaay too many people are experiencing this fucked up aspect across the globe.

So did all the demons agree to play the same few games on this generation? To force them into suicide?

A man just jumped off the Brooklyn bridge today. 😥

God I really wish I knew what was going on! I hate not being able to help. All I can do is share my story and hopes people get on the discernment tip QUICK!

Targeted Individual: Emotions have been replaced with pedo shit.

I barely have the space to be in my me-ness juices. Like just being in my magic…. Ya know?

I find myself shutting down more and more because of the pedo shit and me trying not to get hyped about it. Some days i can fight, some days i just cry, most days i am just numb now. Numb to not feel the pain of being tortured with pedo thoughts, jokes, words, triggers or insinuations by the alien demons.

I mean I’ve tried everything to make my life “pure”. Given up so much. Tried combat them with more positive thoughts …… Actions. But nothing seems to work to make them stop molesting me or pedo torture.

Is it as strong as 3 years ago? No. Does it matter? No. I have flash backs of some of the worse viaions they forced on me like a war vet. I have ptsd cause of this shit. I try to push along and just be my normal self but ……… There are days i feel guilty for being around my godson with these thoughts. Even though i know they arent mine and i originally felt that the biggest act of love was supporting my best friend and my godson despite my experience. But therw is guilt there. Its complicated. And there are a lot of days where my best friend needs me to babysit and honeatly i really dont want to. I know what it means for my mind and body. It means torture.

I try to have positive thoughts……. But again they are often twisted and i have to catch them and correct when the alien demons are trying to twist my thoughts around. Its exhausting.

Im not sure what to do anymore. I approached this from every possible angle, sought help and prayed waited…… I will never get use to this.

Every day i wait for the next day hoping its better….. And its not. Just constantly waiting for a better day. And im starting to lose hope.

I just wish i could be me….. And just be in myself and not what these pieces of shit want me to feel. So i feel what they wantme to feel and im going numb and im losing touch with my emotions a bit. I dont know how else to explain it. They are literally beating a dead horse now.

Anytime now God, anytime!

Targeted Individual: Is the World changing?

(I only picked this image cause its another one of those pretty inspirational memes that make me want to vomit lol)

I just listened to yet another Targeted Individual man go off on a homophobic rant.

Then i have to hear the same thing from the the spiritual community with these women.

I wish i still had the strength…… But i dont. I said something to this targeted individual and he had never to say i need to be delivered. (Grant you a man said he would deliver me for $500).

So i just feel like im really out here on my own. First im asexual now.i hate everyone. And two that dosent mean that i dont care about the safety of the LGBT communities.

But the haters got the mic and the floor……. There is more of them than me. They have been programmed to hate LGBT. Anf then being targeted and then tortured with homosexual thoughts. Just like I’m tortured with pedo thpughts that came out of no where in 2016). So i get it. Butwhen you talk about the LGBT community and you posthate you are being divisive and putting a target on an LGBT persons back. In these times LGBT pwople are being killed at a rate we have not seen in a while and people in the TI and apiritual community dont see how they are perpetuating the problem.

Either way. I have no community anymore. Idk if i should even care about their lives or evwn fighting since they dont care if im raped, beaten or killed.

Its too many of them to fight against. I didnt know it was this bad. The homophobia and racism and sexism within these communities. But its more than my sensitive heart can take.