You don’t look depressed. 👤

The counselor yesterday asked me if I was depressed and I was about to go into a long winded explanation, in which he stopped me and asked me to answer in a yes or no form. So I thought about it and told him yes. 

He paused staring at his computer and said, “looking at you, you don’t sound or seem depressed.” And said something about me being able to articulate myself. I told him, “well I’m being kept from everything I love” this included being me. I can’t go out, I don’t feel comfortable being active cause i feel like my head will schizophenically combust, so going and getting veggies is out, and if I cook I just get zapped of my energy, even getting to the clinic was physically painful because of weight I put on so quickly. I can’t be with friends, I’m afraid to embarrass my family like I did in church on easter, so I don’t go events anymore and I pretty much stay still and eat cookies all day while trying to keep some ounce of sanity researching, connecting and writing.

So.

I’m not who I know myself to be. But I’m still myself. I guess my lifestyle, possessions and friends were stripped.

But I’m still me. But not the me I want to be. But “still me” wants to eat veggies, ride bikes, go to free concerts, hang in a park, and talk for hours and work diligently towards helping community/ humanity. I just can’t be that now.

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Talking Anonymous 💋

I have a problem y’all. 

I can’t stop talking to this demon. I’ve mentally cussed this demon out going on two years in January. It was the only way to protect myself. 

I’ve befriended and betrayed in the same day over and over and over.

Always having a come back, always smacking down the lies got me this far, which is alive and not utterly delusional. I was able to defend myself from falling into yet another rabbit hole when the other rabbit hole finally made no sense.

But I can’t stop, before it would “mind control” and “suggest thoughts” (the next thing to say) through flashes images or “subconscious”. It still does. Maybe not as much as it use to. But it did. But I still can’t seem to stop talking to it…   Or responding.

I’ve gone a couple of days to with out but end up breaking my silence emotionally. 

Now when I talk to an actual human, I’m like jibber jabbering them to death just happy not to be telepathically communicating some psycho demon.

I can meditate, I can be quiet. But I still can’t seem to stop defending myself and talking to this demon. 

And the meds.. .. My friend said I shouldn’t take meds…. But I want it to stop. But there are so many mixed reviews on meds and time span they took to work. Meds seem like the only way to stop communications for now but I don’t want to stay on them. But then I don’t want to be opening Pandoras box if I stop taking them as well. 

Schiz to Anxiety 😩

I’ve noticed the more the demon turns down in “volume/intensity”, the more I feel the false sense of anxiety or tiredness seen as depression. 

Not that I need anxiety, its already painful to walk, breathe,my head is pounding non stop all day, my body is trembling in this strange way like chills but its not cold, I pee like im pregnant, and I can’t control anything happens to my mind and body.

But yes let’s mix in some anxiety.

I’m so freaking tired. 

T o  D o   L i s t 🌱

In my mind this list goes as followed. 

  • Remove Entity COMPLETELY.
  • Consistent therapy and or maybe meds.
  • Allow self time to heal from the trauma of entity attacks. Meaning not being on gaurd 24/7 or afraid to cry because some how in my mind I just image the entity sipping my tears through a straw to empower itself.
  • Get healthy:
  1. Akaline Plant Based lifestyle
  2. Detoxes for: Gut, liver, kidneys, brain?, heavy metal detox. Dr. Hulda Clarke and Dr. Sebi’s programs (generally a lot of free info on both of these). 
  3. Active lifestyle. Find routine or activity that works for me. Love dance, yoga, gym but cost money, so riding bike or long walks for starters.
  4. Loose the 100lb I gained or more.
  5. Lower blood pressure. Even though I am pretty sure the random sky high blood pressure is cause by the entity stressing out my body. 
  6. Enjoy time with family and loved ones, social activities.
  7. Slowly heal body and mental trauma.

From there I feel I would hope I could regain my strength and confidence in functioning in the world. 

I keep replaying this plan (or the entity does just to mess with me). But I lack energy, motivation to do so. But its there. I thoughtfully learned what works for my body in  the past. I’m just not in the environment or state of mind to actually get it going. In the begining I tried to hold on tightly and sticking to gym routine but money and energy and this experience got in the way.

Also I have SNAP but I live in an expense area of NYC and so juicing is out because it wastes too much and is too expensive. 

So, at some point I have to be my own drill Sargent. Some point. I just don’t know when it will be. I don’t know how much longer I can wait. 

“Archon Mind Parasite Self-Defense”

This video is interesting and grounding. 

1. While I truly enjoy understanding the “chakra system”, I believe it is a great way of understanding and bring mindful of the part of our body. I also do not truly believe we have 7 cones of energy. I think it can be a good way to understand organs and parts of the mind by compartmentalizing these idesas but not as an actual system. The concept is fine….. But diving deep into the illusion of being some super human is where we get caught by these Entities. 

We are electromagnetic, this is true. We have metals in our body. But how that actually looks I have no idea. 

2. As stated these beings will pretend to be anything of authority. And will play off of both bad and “positive” emotions or words to control. So it really is a double edge sword. So I have narrowed the single most important thing is ignorance. Lack of awareness will have you pulled in so many different directions. Happy sad angry. So when we are aware that these being are trying implant mistrust or fear anger or even manic happiness we are not in control. 

3. More recently I “saw” visuals that were not visions of “light” that looked like a couple of different things. One looks like maybe 20 circles inside of each other, another like jellyfish lights, others are sparks of “light” or globs of colorful “energy” that looks like its leaving my being . This is false light , this is not real light. It is not coming from the sun, or a lamp. I doubt it is coming from me. But even if this “light” is coming from me, the fact that it is being tampered with to create “light” is still false. So be careful of being lured by “the light”. All that glitters is not gold.

4. Between being in spiritual forums and schizophrenic forums to just everyday interactions it is very easy to see how we are all affected. Its easy to observe.

5. I have no idea how to get rid of these things. Again prior to being “attacked” I was on an organic diet and fairly happy with only a break up that rattled my spirit. However prior to this full fledged experience, I can recall up until the age of 15 where these beings have been around me. Or have acted as “spirits” of loved ones, or “angels” or supposed “spirit guides. Being young, i just accepted it as such cause i didnt know any better. Movies, religion and so on talks about spirits, angels, demons, ect so it is socially acceptable. I moved on with my life. But this ignorance, because no that was not my deceased grandma or grandpa, and no that flash of light was not an angel trying to help you, that ignorance is what comes to haunt me later.  

Don’t get me wrong, that idea of believing in angels or the spirit of our loved ones “being with us”, there is nothing wrong with this idea. If we want to embody the archetype idea of an angel is fine,if we want to comfort ourselves with the idea of our deceased loved ones looking down on us or living on “through us” as a form of ancestry that’s fine. Poetic of sorts. But these ideas can also be manipulated by these beings. In fact anything can if we don’t have our Witt’s about us. 

So again its not a clear cut answer.

Lol but if I find one I will surely let you know. For now I am careful what I believe and keep things simple. Because these parasites are always trying to drag me into a storyline so they can position themselves in a place of power rather than what they really and truly are. 

Mental Illness Olympics 🏆

In a way I feel like I have the worse form of “mental illness”. Schizophrenia, is like being on every drug possible, all the while hearing a voice that will call you a fuck up in every possible way. Its like watching every other mental illness play out in your head and you have no control. And you feel you body burning, your head tightening, your brain getting too big for your skull, and an audiance of non helpful shadows and angels floating around you. It is crippling, it is debilitating, it is not sexy, nor fun, it ruins everything you love, and no one gets you because its that diverse and uniquely tailored to each individual life.

Maybe I am fucked up, but I feel like anxiety, depression and certain forms of PTSD are more “socially acceptable”. Like there is more talk about that. Like those are the easy ones to talk about.

Then there is bipolar which everyone makes fun of because apparently every dudes ex-girlfriend was bipolor just because she was on the rage and he’s a fucking misogynistic douche bag that equate all feelings from women to a mental illness.

Then there are the quirky OCD, strange phobias and which is waaaaaaaaay way more socially acceptable.

Of course then there are the other disorders that really suck and may be the actual root of the said depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. But we don’t talk about them because that’s too deep. Be honest with you my therapist barely wanted to talk about this shit. Anytime I talked about what was actually happening to me she would stop me to make sure I knew “it wasn’t real”. And she would opt for talking about how my family was doing. Like I don’t have a place to even truly unload this shit, and like I really want anyone to hear this shit, or for to even ever have existed. But wtf am I suppose to do? 

Seriously I seriously feel like I had the whole fucking psychological book thrown in my head. I don’t know if other Schizo’s feel like this but it literally feel like every disorder, delusion, phobia and syndrome alll rolled up into one none stop living  nightmare.

And its not talked about, but its fucking crazy, it feels crazy. And much as you want to share the craziness there is nothing to hold on to…. It doesn’t make sense. Even if you tried to make sense. There is no sense to be made from the voice in your head.

I told my friend finally that I have schizophrenia, and he told me “you’re  strong”, “you will get through it”. But I’m over here worried that there is nothing to “get through” this is my life, and sleeping all day trying to avoid conscious images of child abuse or to avoid killing myself does not feel like i am strong. I don’t know if there is a nother side to this. This maybe my life forever. 

I’ve always been the kind a person to really push through some hard shit. I just can’t with this one. I can barely even think. All I can do is write how my soul is constantly being raped. 

So YAY I got the worse one! 

Tried to be a good personal and all I got was this schizophrenia!

FML.

Shambala Meditation


So I was watching a video on meditating put out by the Shambala Center for Medititation , it was a simple meditation, and it asked us to picture out favorite weather, then the what happened through our day, then the weather of how we currently feel. 

In a way I do this all day. Constantly checking my weather and emotional landscapes. 

But as I discribed what I felt like….. I started to become overwhelmed with the fact that this may very well be who I am for the rest of my short existence in the universe. I started to cry and get choked up, the Entity said I was “faking it”. And I quickly stopped cause I was yet again distracted from feeling my natural self. 

Which is tired, scared and more tired of having to be “brave” every moment of every day.

Some where while I was listening to the meditation I was thinking about can I accept this as who I am? Something along those line. …. It was acceptance….. And not fighting…. This thing anymore. But that’s when I started crying. Because I genuinely don’t want to accept this as reality but it is. If I accept it does that mean ….. I accept it. 

How can I not accept it…. But just accept it as it is what is currently happening. I try to be in. The moment. But as my mind sprawls out to getting a job, loosing weight, moving out, being better, being normal….. I quickly retract back to the fact that I am tripping balls with a demob all fucking day. And it sucks. And its a waste of life…. And I just do t know if its responsible to dedicate myself to another job where I might have another cosmic joke cast on me and I will run out with my head literally on fire. 

Feeling this “energy” this demon, entity whatever is Painful! Its physically painful, its emotionally painful but I have shut down in many ways to cope, it is mentally painful and I am tired of thinking and its painful to feel like you are having thoughts shoved into your head and mentally jumping hurdled of fuckery, its painful to see your deteriorate and set back so far from your goals.

It hurts to have these thoughts and visions. On any level or intensity. It hurts…. It will never stop hurting… Even if I lie to myself to just get by. And the world hurts….. But that’s whole other level. 

I don’t know. 

I’m trying to accept…. In hopes that accepting will still make it go away. Between the physical pain and the mental and emotional pain of the subjects chosen by this Entity, I just don’t know HOW to accept it. Or what part I’m accepting. Will accepting make it seem like I’m OK with seeing child abuse? Or be raped more often? If I push through all of this and get back to me will it kill me? For having the audacity to be myself.

I’m tired of being brave. Numb is not brave but neither is taking anyone(things) shit.

The fuck is surrendering? 

Everything will be used against you

That means EVERYTHING.

Everything said, didn’t say, thought, didn’t think, do or didn’t do, seen or didnt see, believe or don’t believe will be and can be used against you. 

WHY? To confuse the shit out of you!

I look at (most things) things from its purest form. To understand.

I look at these concepts of karma, or past lives, or religion, or mythology, in its purest form was for healing and or preservation. 

Its when all this other stuff cones in a clouds its meaning and intention. 

Say religion/ belief of any sorts…. Is kinda the first form of science and expression of psychology.

But then comes power …. And you can draw your own conclusions from there.

My beliefs were used against me in this experience. Whether it was/is beliefs in the “spirit world” or God, morals, politics etc. Good or bad…. They were all used to my demise ….. For pain and torture. 

For instance this thing acted as my grandpa twice in my 20s …. I held this moment special… I thought my grandfather or papa legba was watching over me. Or something to that extent. It wasn’t developed thought as it was a passing moment. But it was this demon/ spirit/ voice/ broken part of my brain. Whatever.

To my demise (against me) because it was untrue. It was false. It was not my grandfather …. Or legba (both wore hats that’s why I was confused). It was a test of my nativity….. And I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooo dumb. 

So I’m stuck here between truth and ignorance. 

Not a fun place to be. Its painful. Sometimes …. Often I wish for the dream……. the ignorance back. Obvious reasons. But what is truth? I’m not trying to burst anyone’s bubble…  I mean that can be dangerous with out proper preparation. But do we ever truly get to prepare for life? Sometimes.

Just trying to stay grounded and authentic.

The point . 

So what’s the point of all this? 

Almost every belief torn down for what? 

Torn down and still shimmers in its beauty, essence, goodness. Beautiful stones that were used to build prisons.

So now what? 

I will not bow down.

You and your kind have lied to my people. Misguided…. And divided. And we are done. The lies are sooooo deep we even think they are good.

So why are you still here?

I am no longer interested in entertaining your game…. Or play… Deception

We’ve come to a point….  And your side seems desperate.

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