Targeted Individual: Meditative State

I spent about 2 years+ so far in a meditative state.

This was me training myself. I did not have a guru. Youtube videos were not doing it for me. It was an organic way of just being aware of my what was happening. An observation of the things that were happening to me that i could not control.

I was being shown strong visions i could not control, my body was vibrating and convulsing, emotions i could not control and often did not connect with. I see aliens and demons floating around, orbs, sparkles. Hearing the most vile things while they try to convince me that some of these vile thoughts are my own.

It took observation and a slowling down to understand what was me and what was not me.

So an example would be i would in my room and i would hear my dad go into to living room. The voices/demon aliens would then show me a vision of a penis ( i have no idea if it is my fathers cause i aint see it and i aint trying to) and then say i want to have sex with my father. Now the awareness of my father being there, that is natural and me. Everything else is NOT. And it use to upset me to the point i would cry because i just could not understand why out of no where one day i am having these incestuous thoughts. But I had to realize they are not mine.

Even one day i my dad and i had dinner together (first time ever) when i went to visit him on the beach and i was admiring his big bright blue eyes and of course the demons aliens turned it gross and raped me there at the table (to make it seem like i was turned on) saying i was attracted to my father. When i was simply cherishing him.

Any attempt at building a loving positive thought was/is ruined. And normally that is who i am. I am the kind of person to tell a random stranger how much i love their outfit. (See update below) Lol at least i use to be.

So all attempts are to keep me from loving positive truthful thoughts. They have even recently twisted my thoughts trying to say i am attracted to my best friends boyfriend, and that is the “play they want”. But im not and i think he is great for her. But because i have a positive thoughts around him (for her)…… It has to turn sexual yet again with these alien demons voices. It cant just be that i think he he is great for her …. It has be taken to another level.

Its always taking it to another level. There is no simplicity with these demon alien voices.

They do the same thing with pedo thoughts as well. I love my godson and might appreciate how silly he is being and they just ruin it with a pedo thought. And I’m stuck there with a frown on my face.

So I noticed FOR ME that a lot of this is centeres around men/boys and my love and or appreciation of them and that being either turned sexual or sour. So with the men i ACTUALLY DATED lol the voices didnt like them and would give negative thought like they are cheating on me or think i am ugly ect ect. But for the men in my life who i appreciated and nothing would ever be sexual they turned sexual in my mind.

Again this is something i spoke about in my blog before. THE OPPOSITE. The alien demon voices constantly trying to convince me of the opposite of what something actually is.

They have done so much sexual vile disgusting thoughts so much and i have had less than supportive dating partners that i give up and i am Asexual at this point. I am overwelmed. Lol and its enough work sorting through the bullshit.

But part of the meditative state is finally getting to the point where you dont have to sort anymore. You just know its bullshit. You allow it to roll by. Its still NOT the life i want to live. But its better than giving it as much energy as i did before and crying into my plate everyday cause i just cant cope.

Much of meditation that i have notices is either creating a space like visualizing yourself at a lake …… Or nothingness. And unfortunately i cant do either. It is very difficult for me to create a whole space now like i use to. The alien demons have enough control of my consciousness to effect that or make it exhausting to execute.

And nothingness is impossible because when i close my eyes i see flashing white lights, “energy” lights flowing, other light beings/ entities, sparkles ect. Nothingness is impossible right now because my energy field is not clear. So alot of my meditative state was going from fear to curiosity (drawing and describing them), to just being ok with them there and letting it roll by …… For now. Again not being excited by the situation.

And sometimes they will give a false sense of fear or being scared. Its like an electric shock to the head or body…… Or false sense of anxiety as they get close to my body. But im like DUDES i see y’all all day every day for 3.5 years, you’ve shown me the most vile things one could see and cried till i cant no more…… I know for a fact that the emotions or anxiety that they where trying to get out of me was false feelings. …… Im not sure HOW they do all that they do….. But im sure they had eons to figure it out.

This is not to say i dont have any emotions at all. I recently became emotional about the child that committed suicide because ICE took her father. And it just killed me. I thought about her emotional state. I thought about how spiritually these entities may have got to her……. How the state (ICE) effected her. Just really upsets me when they get our children and elders. Just the state of the world in general is overwelming. And i allow myself to feel for that for a moment.

But i have this situation at hand to focus on.

And staying on top of that. And staying as “zen” as possible and not letting these alien demons take anymore from my life than they already have.

update: lol on my instagram this photo just showed up which I thought was funny since I just mentioned it here.

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GodSon: Little Devils

So I came to babysit for my best friend while she was at school the next few days. And my godson was acting up. But it wasn’t so much that he was acting up or bad …… but he was VERY emotional about it and even more so when I or my friends boyfriend spoke to him about what he was being told to do. It was intense. But that happens every so often, I noticed he starts to crave more attention when there is two or more people in the house. But WHATEVER…..

What really got me is when he said that he had a REALLY BAD headache to the point he almost didn’t want to eat. The headaches or random pain is a very obvious sign of Entity etheric attachment. It is not the main one but smaller ones no bigger than a fist.

So while I was calmly talking to him and giving some time to breathe I stared at the top and sides of his head….. shoulders to see if I saw anything. And low and behold the demon revealed himself. I saw a darkish purple energy outline of the being walking on top of his head AND when I looked at it the demon spewed a sparkly energy orb thing at me so while I might not see exact details of the face I saw enough to know something was attached to him and making him feel bad.

This demon or alien thing has been stalking me wherever I go. Even to the doctors office. I mean I’m not sure if it’s because I am around or not. I have seen some in the children’s playground that had nothing to do with me.

But I don’t understand why they would attach to an innocent child like that! It infuriates me.

I spoke to a friend of mine that does astral healing work (he is really legit and the sweetest man alive) and he said in fact there was a demon attached to both my godson and I. And he removed it.

Today my godson was way more chilled and listening and not super emotional to the point he didn’t even understand why he was feeling the way he was feeling.

It was good to have my sight of the beings confirmed by my friend. But at the same time I’m really upset that it’s happening at all and I just don’t know if it is because of me.

While my friend has been able to remove astral etheric attachments for me before he hasn’t been able to remove the voice that attacks me all day. Just like the really problematic immediate issue or symptom of a larger problem….. the stalking entity. But he is good at what he does and I don’t dole that out to just anyone! Especially after being taken financially taken advantage of by many “healers”.

It was nice to have a very energetically calm day with my godson. It’s too hot for all that mess tbh.

I really wish I had super powers to help heal people in that way. He went to school for this so he knows what he is doing. And he is a teacher. I just wished he could just pluck this nasty one out though. It is literally a thorn in my side.

Trying to remain hopeful I can beat this!

update: my godson is in the kitchen learning how to cook with my best friends boyfriend while I chill writing waiting for dinner and my friend to get home from school. Super loving environment like he deserves!

Do demons deteriorate the body?

I wonder if one of the reasons we dont grow as old as we use back in the biblical days is that “demons” attachs to and deteriorate the body with their EMF radiation.

Not all of them are felt but seen, not all are seen but are felt. Some give off larger EMF readings than others.

This is outside of thinking about how they give us bad habits and so forth. Just a thought and observation.

Can you be pimped in the astral plane?

I mean is that even a thing?

This is the second time (or period of time) this nasty ass evil ass piece of shit demon alien THING tried to pimp me on the astra to some heavy ass beast energy. Like i dont even know what they are doing exactly cause i can only hear and see in part.

But i know there was some talks of money. They got currency in the astral? And then some SUPER heavy energy layed on top of me as much as i fought and said no and cussed them out. And then the heavy entity sighed relief after being connected to me or something. (And the wierd cats visions) …… And im just over here trying to figure out what is happening to me.

Like are they just playing with me?

Is my energy or body really being pimped out by some asshole demon for astral currancy?

I mean can you even do that? Is it even like legal in the grand laws?

It sounds ridiculous right? And yet my friend said his twin flame in italy something similar was happening to her. But their story was all over the place.

I’m just by my lonesome trying to figure this out.

I just dont see how this is possible or legal or like not stopable at this point.

I just wanted to make this note in case anyone else was dealing with this in any shape or form.

I never tried to play in the astral/ dimension or anything like that……it just happened. But from what i read most are suppose to leave you alone …. Thats what im not understanding. Is why they wont leave me alone.

Will the truth ever come out?

Will the truth ever come out in my life time?

Like if this some Targeted Individual technology will there be justice for all that has suffered across the world?

If this is reptilian archon mantis grey aliens attack will they ever come out of hiding? What are we going to do?

Demons? Will God avenge for their evil deeds? Soon? I hope!

Schizophrenia? Medication that actually works?

I WOULD LOVE to tell my family friends SEE I TOLD I WASN’T CRAZY!

I honestly could not make this stuff up in my brain. I don’t know why they want to ruin my life.

I guess i say this because i woke up from a name and there is a plasma light that keeps coming and going in my eye or 3rd eye whatever….. So it lights up what i would not normally see with my eyes close so i see the shadows of whats attached to me. This time AGAIN i saw the outline of a little alien dude in a space ship. this is maybe the 3rd time i have seen this. It looks so…….. Cartoony that its hard to believe its real….. Idk but it is what i saw. They all look cartoony i guess.

So im like is it the alien dude in a space ship or is it the reptilian or is a demon im over it i need answers im so over it.

Whatever bye. Lol.

Inspirational Memes and Frustration

I get a bunch of religious or spiritual inspirational memes like this on my Instagram feed and like any other time in my life i would be with it…….. But im just so flipping gosh darn frustrated!

Demonic reptillian alien schizophrenic take over got me WEAK…. For real. I can’t. And like ive heard some people just stopped hearing shit. Others been struggling 20 years ++++. Like i dont know what my story holds and its freaking me out.

Im legit freaking out. Im over it. Its like having a roach under your skin and you want to just cut yourself open and grab it out. Like some real drastic shit like that. Im just so disgusted. I want to just jump out of this body that has failed to protect me from these vile creatures. I mean shouldnt that have been like … Idk …. Like top of the priority list when God made us? No demonic aliens can hack our biosystems. Only our lord God!

Yuuuuuuuuuuuck! Yuck! Yuck yuck yuck!

I can’t even see how anything with intelligence or sanity would be willing to even act like this. And im starting to use their words like “dammit” i never say dammit! But they say dammit like 500 time a fucking day or 4 years now im saying dammit! I hate this!

What in THIS WORLD IS THIS PREPARING ME FOR?! OR is this another lie? Just like all thos lying ass new agers. “Oh you’re attacked cause you’re a twin flame purging for the colkective and your twin….” ….😔 “oh you’re being attacked because youre a star seed light worker sent to help anchor light in the planet…they want your light juices” 😔 “”oh you’re 144k sent to save humanity” ……. Well folks if thats the case i am failing EPICALLY. So many excuses for this spiritual abuse …….. Now its Gods preparing me …… WHAT THE FUCK DOES DEMONIC RAPE FOR 3.5 FUCKING YEARS STRAIGHT ALL DAY GOTTA TO DO WITH WHATS GOD PREPARING ME FOR? Serious question!

Like this is major shit!

This isn’t oh i didnt get that job. Or oh i did get approved for that car loan. Didnt get into the school i wanted.

This is my life!!! My life force! My soul!

I am being bebased on the daily.

So i see these memes and ME….. Not the voices though im sure they have joined in, im like “YEA RIGHT!” Creating this…… Negativity and slowly possibly animosity towards God because of what is happening. And i feel bad about that too. But im following the logic and demonic rape = preppin for a blessin 😳 im not really seeing the correlation. And its fucking me up to even think like that.

Wonder if this is really my life forever ever? Just laying here being raped by demon to point i dont have energy to go outside or do much. Its so fucked up.

I miss the feeling of my body when i didnt have these demons inside of me. They evwn make my skin or muscles feel tight and im always trying to stretch them out but them comevrigjt back in it pointless.

I just needed to get this out.

😢

Energy Healing & Entity Removal Work

It’s so funny whether i pay or not. Pay a little or a lot. Amateur or seasoned professional. These healers have all gave me an excuse (usually throwing something i told them in my face) as to why their healing session did not get rid of this fucking disgusting voice/ entity like they said it would. No refunds either. Not even a thought or a kind gesture of any kind. I mean regaurdless of my story or belief system, if they have a service they should be able to just pluck that sucka out like the ticks that they are. Right? My whole blog is dedicated to how much i hate this situation and trying to keep whats left of my sanity in tact. And some fake ass healer had nerve to say I have stockholm syndrome and i am in love with the abusive entities. I’m glad everyone out here telling me what I AM including the entities and NOT doing what they need to be doing which leaving (entities) or removing (healers).

It is really disheartening.

So many people willing to call Christianity a con but New Age is a con job too. Maybe even worse as they offer themselves as the alternative to religion with so many paid services. I mean if i cant help someone i would just tell them and tell them why or my limitations ect so they know its not shade.

I know these people arent malicious. And maybe they drink their own kool-aid. But the placebo effect, if you will, is not working on me. I was in a life or death situation with these demons. And all i could really do is hunker down in my bed for a year or two and just take the beating and spiritual, energetic, astral, etheric, cosmic, whatever abuse. For reasons I really don’t know, because these demons lie all day. So idk what the truth is really. And if some “healer” is channeling any information from them they will only be cyphering lies.

This is so frustrating!

I need to talk to management! Shit is out of hand! 😔

Hearing Voices: “You Will Never Be A Mother”

So another aspect to this whole “you’re a child molester” thing, is that once I settled on the fact that my father didn’t do anything to to me (because when this came up I actually started to question it) the voices went on to say I was suffering and being tortured like this to be a mother. 😳 YES gurl! These bastards said this was a test to be a mother. When I went to some bullshit shaman lady here in NYC a white lady practicing Peruvian shamanism (no shade) she asked the spirit Entity why were they harassing me they said showed me a star and a baby.

They then later started harassing me more saying “you will Neeeeeeever be a mother!” All this stuff right? Still playing out and calling me a child molester as well. As well as the twin flame play at me. They threw the whole book at me all at once in a short period of time. Which has its pros and cons. Pros I spent less time peeling the layers of bullshit back and cons it physically took a toll on me to have that much energy sent my way. It was not gentle at all.

As I said in my blog before being queer, marriage and children were never really I guess sight for me. Just love and happiness. Ya know? With a partner. But now I guess switching more to the heteronormative world is that something I’m suppose to take on?

I was always ok with being a really awesome Godmother/Aunty to my Godson. I think every kid needs an adult outside their parents that they can confide in and give them really cool gifts and advice. 😃 My aunty was the coolest of them all. She influenced my taste in culture and arts. Always encouraging my talent in arts and giving me resources to do so. Even buying my art as a kid. Her home was impeccable. So as someone with PCOS and is/was queer, actually having children just was not at the forefront of my mind.

And honestly still isn’t. I mean the only thing I really think about is how can I get rid of these demons and how can I cultivate more joy/ move forward in my life while they are here? That’s really the only things.

So each time I kind of denounced a part of the Entities game play they flipped for something worse. 1. Twin flame, I was the Isis to his Osiris and to wait the rest of my life for my ex to come back and be energetically abused and raped by him? No thank you! 2. Suffer for making my father seem like he sexually abused me at the age of 3 years old and be called a child molester all day long (which he didn’t do and wasn’t my fault)? 👎🏼NOPE that doesn’t make much logical sense on the karma wheel! 3. Be called a child molester, while being raped and shown child porn in my 3rd eye to the brink of suicide as a test to see if I am equipped enough to have a star seed child?! I remember saying NO THANKS having a kid isn’t worth this sick torture please stop! And that’s where I step the fuck out of the New Age forum and go the fuck to “sleep”.

Yeaaaaa……….. the enemy (entity) will flip that script so many times you will not know where you are anymore in life or spiritually.

Just yesterday I had a guy tell me that I had Stockholm syndrome with the Entities. 😞 Gurl! He told me all of this because I told him his energy healing didn’t work. Stockholm syndrome is when you are in love with you captor. I’m not in love in the slightest. I’m not even really intrigued really. I am just using the coping mechanisms that have found that works for me writing and drawing and occasional research and documenting my struggles as a form of activism.

I had like two friends yesterday one by email and my best friend tell me that I need to stop researching and looking for answers and live my life. And I want to. I was minding my own fucking business living my best life when I was attacked on a level you wouldn’t believe. When I say loud I mean they were like concert amp loud in my brain. My brain was fucking HOT. For months!

It’s only this year did things calm down a bit. And as to why I can’t attribute it to one thing. It’s def not the meds or the healing sessions I had. I would say it was my belief system. Or the peeling away the storyline. They still are trying to create a storyline with my best friend. Like us getting into a fight cause they want me not to be around her anymore because I’m more happy andmore social now. But whatever I’m going with the flow I can’t stop shit only how I handle it and document it.

Communities I Keep an Eye On 👀

Spiritual Community: This mainly includes: twin flames, 144,000, light workers, kundalini, spiritual awakening, ascension, channeled messages, The Event, 5D, entities attachments and attacks, energy, healing, empaths, occultist/ esoteric. Meditiation, Many different spiritual/religious belief systems in one place. Incubus, spirit husbans, reptilian,archons, matrix, star seeds, ancient cultures,

Alien Encounter Community: understanding acturian, paladian, grey, reptillian, mantis beings. Channeled messages. Earth bound conscious abductions. Star seeds, 5d earth, the event,

Targeted Individuls Community: gang stalking, street theater, mk ultra, v2k, project paper clip, nano technology, chem trails, electronic harrassment and torture, Morgenellas, CERN, EMF radiation, ELF waves, government patents.

Schizophrenic Community: paranoia, delusional states of being (even if you are right), anti-psychotic medications, symptoms mimick that of targeted individuals and spiritually opressed people (or vice versa), being seen as crazy, healing, theraphy, cognative behavioural therapy, transpersonal therapy, carl jung’s shadow work, hearing voices as a large scope of people rather than just schizophrenics (who twnd to have a negative experience). Sub vocal speech article,

Christian Community: Are they voice hearers? Hearing the voice of God? Is it God? The Event? Is the same as the rapture? Armageddon? Understanding demons/spirits through a Christian/ religious lens. Book of Enoch. Keeping/strengening my faith in God through all of this, the 144,000, Jesus, history. Story of Job, of Paul, of, Saul and Jesus all having been taunted by demons and the devil in the bible.

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Most people i have met are stead fast on their path and stick to their path. Thats fine. I found that there are MANY similarities between the the belief systems. And thats just in the 3rd Dimensional world explination.

Could it be that all the alien encounters, hundreds of praised gods and goddesses were just spirits or major demons trying take Gods glory because they simple could? I mean the Entity here with me has NO problem saying they are God and rape me in the next moment. Sick right? That is enough to make anyone to loose faith. Its a win win situation for them. Either they make someone loose faith in the One True God OR they Get some one to believe they ARE God or an authority of sorts.

But that is besides the point. These are the main communities i have studies and i have reached a plateau in my research. I can see them, hear them, feel their gross energy. Ive drawn what i have seen. They conflict with some of my research. And i havent found anyone i can use as a sound board to really confirm much of what i see. But definitely confirmed what we hear and feel. Visions and and hallucinations are a bit different. A vision is in your minds eye. A hallucination is standing in your living room you can walk around it. But they are not 3d theybare more flat 2d line drawings i can walk around.

Anyway the plateau is frustrating. Cause i want to move beyound this or i want it to be over.

Its my anthropological mind that got me here. Im always too curious. Why…. How? Whats the story? I could not accept this as a broken brain. I was hearing words and phrases i never even heard before. I had to google them.

I have heard people who have been cured of their affliction similar to mine to mine through medication, but also though shamic healing, also through prayerand the grace of God, some meditation, so im just wonder IF i will ever find my healing.

I mean being all over the map has both a blessing and a curse. In one way as i research and went to healers who gave me information that conflicted with something in the storyline the demons were creating. First it was telepathy as twin flames with my ex as were supposedly fractions of Isis and Osiris souls. 😔 spare me. Then when i rejected that they went on to say i was being raped and called a child molestor because i was “paying for my father” which was my dad was accused of molesting me which he didnt (i wrote about it many times in this blog you can search it). Then they weree trying to convince me they were God by blacki g me out like 3 or 4 times. Then when i started seeing them and they looked like alien or reptilian or demon trolls heads floating around…. Things got UBER confusing but that didnt stop their torure one bit.

So jumping around helped me understand most of it was bullshit. BUT the path to actual healing looks future away. Or confusing. Amd no salt baths and picturing a bright white light around me did not work.

I was recently told i am one of the 144k and a light worker and i have no idea what that even means. To me i was wouldn’t have have the innate power to blast these things away? Just saying. I just feel like 4 years of my short life has been wasted all to a demon. This is not why i was born. To be raped by demons all day everyday.

Im still pushing through tho. I still wish i had a mentor that could help me ubderstand this stuff. If im going to stuck with them might as welm make them my lab rat expiriments. Since thats what they are doing to me. Fuck em.

Sex and Suffering 💔

After my break up with my ex (false twin flame) in the summer of 2015. I tried dating to get over him maybe 6 months later. But every date I went on ended up turning into sex even though i didnt want it to. And i didnt know how to say no.

In my head….. We would talk all night, maybe make out, eat some good food. But it would quickly become sexual and i would blame myself for being there in the first place and i didnt want to be disliked or for the situation to turn ugly like it has the other times i had said no (rape). Being a people pleaser sucks some times. I did this about 3 or 4 times thinking each time would different. But it wasnt.

I felt like things were spiraling out of control. I mean i had this break up with my ex, i had this energy of obsessesion which i didnt feel connected to and it was driving me crazy cause it was like being split in two. I didn’t want to feel this feeling of obsession that i never felt before. I wanted it to stop. So i did what i would normal do. Move on. But i kept being met with the dudes that just wanted to hook up and i didnt know how to navigate.

In December of 2015 i hung out with with MMA fighter dude, he seemed cool. But i did hear a voice say “SHE SUCKING KARMAS DICK NOW!” as MMA guy walked into the other room (so i didnt see him say it). I thought he was talking about an ex or something. But i didnt make a big deal out of it. So on New Years 2016 he asked me to hang out but i realized this once i met him this was after he had already hung out with his friends and got lit. And that was a bit of a turn off. We made out and he asked me to call him “pappi”which im not latinx and not my thing and then wanted me to go down on him, which i did hestitantly and he knew i wasnt into because he said why was i looking at him like that. It was because i was disappointed.

I will also be honest and i am ashamed to say that i thought in hindsight that engaging in sex would prolong my stay after traveled all the way out to see this person and after he said he was tired, i knew that was my que to leave. So i realized it was the voices that said “shes sucming Karmas dick now!” But they dont always make sense but then they do in a strange fucked up way.

After that day i was over it. I was tired of being used….. I wasnt getting what ibwant which was a solid relationship with someone who respected, cared and loved me. And so i made a choice to be celibate.

Then my world started to crumble.

The voices became more predominant. My dad had a really scary heart surgery, my gay uncle died out of no where, my twin sister had a stroke. It was woa. And the voices were pretending to be telepathy with my ex (false twin flame). And i was loosing it all. Complete reality melt down.

Then the voices kept saying “wait for A(ex)” (relationship/sex) and another would say “for the rest of you life!”. They would make it seem likecwe were going to get back sometime and othertime like we would never get back together.

The voices would ask “would say dont ask for anything!” And i thought this was telepathy with my ex. But then a female voice came in a bunch of time and asked ” what do you want? A house, a car, money?” After saying “nothing” hundreds of times i said a house, because my dumb ass thought that my ex and i family could live together in a nice big house. But mainly i wanted to stopped being asked this question over and over again. And a male voice said “who would want a house in this economy?!”. A female voice said “don’t you mean you want A(ex) ?!”. I thought i had answered the question wrong. I thought it was suppose to be him and not something material. Idk. So i said FINE my ex!

Thats when everything went down hill. The voices acted as my ex and his roommate or best friend (female voice) interchangeably. “My ex” (the demon voices) would force me to have orgasms randomly through the day. His friends harrassed me, tortured me in ways i didnt know was possible. Screamed all day. Cursed at me. Called me all sorts of names. Burning my vagina, giving me migraines that felt like brain aneurysms, at night my body would feel like it was floating, i mean i could go on and on and onhow i was torture. They would say he was with some one new and prettier than me. And I just could not understand why he was toying with me and doing the orgasms and sex stuff. It felt wrong. So i asked to stop and they wouldnt.

It wasn’t until i denounced the twin flame did things started to get even worse. The visions went from harassing to abusive. Andcshowing images of child sexual abuse. Even my ex abusing children from my job. I mean it was BAD. Lime really fucking bad. To the point i has to quit my job. And they were calling me a “child molester” and saying i was now suffering “in the place of my father” (who was wrongfully accused of molesting me). All the while they were raping me. After i quit my job i said well now im now i cant be a child molester cause there are children to molest (being facetious). Boy was that a bad idea. Then they kept showing me sick images and i called them pedos and then they started calling me a pedo! 😓 fucking hate my entire life. Seriously.

So after about 9 months of celibacy and tripping balls, loosing everything, being psychically attackedin ways i didnt even know was possible. I decided needed an adult sexual relationship cause i was really getting sick of the pedo shit and it was scaring me.

In October of 2016 started dating this one guy out in jersey. I told him inwas in a fragile state because i had a mental break down. I still didnt understand it fully. I mean i still dont most days. I told him i wanted to hold off of on having sex. We went on a few dates karaoke and nice dinners. And indecised to go to his house deep in Jersey. Again i told him i didnt want to have sex before hand. Affection and kissing and spending time with each other is fine. But before you know it i literally turned around for a moment and turned back around anf he was completely naked begging me to go down on him. And again i didnt know what to do. I should have known better AGAIN. I thought telling him ahead of time that my boundary would be respected. And i was in the middle of bumbba nowhere new jersey with no real way out till the next day.

We dated for 4 weeks and he planned the “Sweetest Day” which is celebrated on the 3rd Saturday of October and is kind of like a Valentines Day. The week before i was having really bad psychosis and it took a toll on me physically so i didnt have the energy to make it all the way out to Jersey. Then the next week was the sweetest day. But my grandma passed away. And he had thr NERVE to get mad at me. Like really actually raising his voice and stressing me out mad at me for canceling plans (not last minute either). So after that i was done for a while.

Also the voices kept saying “i cant wait for “great day”(my grandma catch phrase)” or “for the shoe to drop” meaning she was going to pass. I chose not to believe them cause everyone said they feed of of fear abd sadness. But they got me. They told the future AGAIN.

Either way i tried dating a schiz guy in December thinking he would be more sensitive that DID NOT go well either. He actually smacked me in my face during sex and then denied the whole thing. Also the voices were involving themselves in my sex life saying “yea i like it like that” and being gross as usual.

I mean they quickly bypassed the crazy and really sticking to this disgusting for a while now.

SO after ALL THAT HOT MESS I was celibate for two years 2017/2018. All the while hunkering down and just sutting through the rape and molestation and burns and abuse and sick visions and scary hallucinations and fatigue….. Electrocution ….. You name it. I cant even name all the abuse.

Then after two years i wanted to just talk to someone …… And thought i would JUST TALK to talk. Buti met a military guy who i thought i could have something special with. He seemed kind and really understanding that i had schizophrenia and talked about how he wanted me to have his babies. And so i thought THIS TIME introduce him to my family. And we dated for a few weeks. I thought this one was going to be long lasting from the way he talked to me. And then when i went to his house i wanted to but after 3 times having sex he just ghosted.

So no matter how i tried to do things different it doesnt matter it just keeps being a waste of time. I just wanted someone to hold me through all of this scary shit and tell me its ok. And love me and tell me im beautiful when the voices tell me im ugly.

All these guys were such a waste of time and i feel like such an idiot. And i really wish inwould have known better. And i wish i could take it all back and said NO and just had the courage to walk out. Because nothing amounted to anything.

Now i am back on my celibacy tip. Since like a month ago from military dude. And idk. Kust writing it out. I secretly want someone to be there but it is not worth the risk at this point. I just figured the voices WANT(ed) me to be alone and isolated so they can rape me and wouldnt cultivate love in my life. To be honest.

But im kot doing that either way. So its useless.

Whatever. 💔