Falcons

This morning I heard a falcon in the middle of Manhattan. I knew I heard the bird call before going up upstate…. At first I thought it was a seagull…. That wasn’t it… Then seahawk… Nope… Raven…. Crow… Lol the I looked up a list of bird in NYC I knew it was a big one…. Do I saw falcon…. And checked out the YouTube call and it matched. I didn’t realize how calming the falcon call is…. It’s like a long, gentle and controlled skreech.

Either way, you know I love symbolism so,

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/falcon-animal-totem.html

When will it be safe to live again?Β 

YOLO

People say “go out and live your life!”

And I just can’t seem to do so. I tested the waters with dating and hanging out with friends and their always seems to be a time limit. Like after 30 minutes its “show time” and the entity steps in and tries to run some story line.

Or if someone says something fucked up…. It gets replayed or played off of over and over… By the entity, when normally I would just let it roll off my back.

I feel like I am waiting for a day that may never come. Its like I want to go out and have fun or just relax in a park but it gets turned into a shit show. So its almost like there is no point in me putting all the money and effort into going anywhere if the Entity is gonna fuck it up and try to play games, or start choking me or going something disgusting.

I just want to live already! Like soon as I don’t feel like I’m being choked for walking g down the street or called names or creating a whole delusional I know is false …. Then I will be good. 

How do I make myself good IN IT?!

Ehwaz Rune

http://runesecrets.com/rune-meanings/ehwaz

Every so often the entity will flash some sort of symbol vision…. Or something. Prior to this one it was a pentagram …. Prior to that was an X which is Gebo which means gift in short . Few days ago it was this M which is Ehwaz rune means movement in short. 

I’m not sure if it is trying to play with my interests in symbols to scare me. Or actually trying to do some voodoo. The Entity also never really addresses them….. So there is a possibility that they come from some where else.

I also don’t see them play out in my life in any way. Of course the good shit wouldn’t. 

As I said before I like studying the symbolism and history or the icons, or images we use in everyday life. I mean even our alphabet is a version ….. So the fact that these symbols are demonized (lol even though the “entity” is using them) only limits us to fear. 

If you know who you are and your core beliefs then it doesn’t matter. Theologian read material that contradicts their beliefs. I had to read history in school which contradict my beliefs as well. Which is why I ended up going to a a college that practiced alternative pedagogy. 

ANYWAYS.

I’ve never seen “visions” like this prior to 2016 when thibgs got totes out of control.

Ah well. 

Thoughts on Thinking

I kinda don’t want to think anymore. 

I’m constantly at battle defending the purity of my original thought or intentions.

Its exhausting. 

I have no privacy.

When all I want is for my mind and imagination to dance.

I find myself quickly taking down my impulse to be imaginative because this Entity will pervert it. Punish me. 

I feel punished for thinking anything beautiful or positive.

A Good Laugh

I woke up. As I usually do…. When the entity is done with trying to create or influence a dream. 

So decided to have a bite and watch a movie. Since I had already watched zootopia on netflix nothing short of 500 times. I thought it would be a good idea to venture out. So I chose Naked. Already the dialog and the background movie told me it was gonna be terrible but the Wayne deliver what he does best with slap stick comedy…. And I genuinely laughed hard alone for the first time. 

It felt good. And I noticed a thought wondering if the entity was gonna ruin it for me like he normally does with sick visions or a thought about my ex. But this time my sister called for me to help her up. I guess I laughed too loud.

Still appreciated it even though I wanted to continue enjoying my laugh.

On Race

Just dropping a comment i posted where I worked some shit out on my experience as a mix race person. 

———

I am writing with honesty and hope that will be seen as the utmost respect for my community. 

As a mix race woman… I remember in middle school a group of black girls came up to me and asked why I wasn’t sitting with them for lunch because they saw my mother (who is black) visit the school. My assumption was because they didn’t like me. lol.

We were in a small college town and that was my first taste of solidarity as they invited me to have lunch with them. 

Growing into my adulthood and politic self…. I understood that we need to all come together and embraced the term “woman of color” as it was a term that women of many ethnicity were “uniting” under. 

This was refined in understanding that I DO NOT HAVE the same experience as a black woman and skin/tone privilege is more real than it is a burden.

I mean even my own family my cuz who is a black woman shouted i was white…. It was hurtful because I felt that she was someone who knew me the most and was misidentifying me to be hurtful.  I just stood there looking at her like we both have the same light skin grandma. 

I feel like a some years ago, we called out people for not claiming their black heritage….. Then more recently tell folks to have several seats about their blackness….. Because they don’t know what it is like to be black (of a darker skin tone) in the world. 

And I don’t, that is real and true. So as “woman of color”….. The daughter of a single black mother…. I am trying to manage through the ethic matrixes while building community.

Monsters

Have you ever noticed that each generation has its own set of trendy monsters and sitings? 
Anything prior- demons and witches

80’s:was like all about locness monster and Bigfoot

90s: Aliens and Ghosts

2000s – Aliens (not sure)

2017 – Trump
Add to the list if you can recall. 

Like where does Bigfoot go after all the coverage

The Confederate FantasyΒ 

This whole “moving forward” and ignoring the problem, is what got us where we are right now.

Where communities are forced to figured ways to protect themselves because its not coming from the government or police.

IF 45 wanted to stop this in its tracks…. He could have PRIOR…. When the nationwide outreach for this event was happening and say “NOT IN MY NAME” …. At least… At least.

But he didn’t because his hands are tied. And he doesn’t care. He thinks this is the appropriate response to the Obama era and BML. 

Where privileged white supremacist tell other citizens of this country to get out, we are going to kill you. And then actually fulfill the prophecy of their rally. 

Taking a stand against nazis, kkk, white supremacist who are in a delusion and believe they are still under the Confederacy, is the most “patriotic” thing you can do!!!!

So people should really be looking at this president sideways now more than ever.
How am I sitting here “schizophrenic” and have a better grip on reality?