A Victim of God (Octavia Butler)

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God in a storm, doesn’t always look like God.

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Full Service Here 

So I received two messages over the last week. And essentially it says that God/Jesus is behind my suffering. God is the Alpha and Omega and knows everything and even my minuscule problem in the grand scheme of life. And I guess… well i am feeling hurt, disappointed, abandoned. If I did something wrong I think I am competent enough for God to have a a conversation with. NOT shatter my whole life, allow me to be demonically raped, called a child molestor by demons while I’m shown child abused images in my third eye by demons, isolated, put on medications that only dope me up, become a burden to my family, waste years of my life becoming unhealthy. While i watch all my friends move on with with their life. Still not knowing exactly what it is that I did that displeased God.

Some would say it was because I was gay, or because i engaged in survive sex to pay my rent when i was 19, cause my parents had kicked me out for being gay and my ex didn’t have rent money and i wasn’t trying to be homeless again. What else …  we got whore, gay, pre martial sex, watched porn. Regardless, I loved my ex soul mate of 5 year (not the one that left me with rent) so much i remember saying i would stand before God to defend our love. This statement came from being discriminated against for being gay. I feel/ felt LOVE is love. While most feel that it is a celebration of just sexuality, it is love between two consenting adults like any other. I to this day have not experienced a love like i did with my soul mate. aaaaaaaaaaaannnnd, maybe a year or so later after i said i would stand by our love, and all the thinking about what our wedding would look like (peacock themed i would be), he said he wanted to be Polyamorous one day. And i couldn’t stop him. NOW of course he (a trans man) is regretting it and wants me back and wants to marry me and all this, but im schizophrenic and butt hurt and have already moved towards being straight or asexual or nothing i don’t know im confused and hurt.

Hurt because God won’t remove this. And that God allowed this to happen in this way.

So God wants me isolate? doped up on these meds? doing nothing with my life? being a lab rat?

Regardless of my personal orientation I will always be for the safety and rights of LBGT. LGBT deserve the right to walk down the block with out fearing for their life. LGBT deserve representation just like any other group be it religious, sex, gender, immigration, age, race or creed. And i am about the evolution of society towards safety and a better place for all. Thats me. Regardless of religion or governments. People and Governments and religions have taken it upon themselves to what they think God wants them to do which is kill LGBT, women, black people…. cage immigrants and children, genocide. Thats just a few headlines.

What do you do when you are mad at God? There i said it!!

I’m mad and hurt!

I don’t know what to do. Thats why i just tried to fix it on my own because i felt abandoned by God. Cause i know God could fix this with a blink of an eye. I thought that was my WORK was to fix this on my own like i did so many other things. To get that job, get that place, get that money, MAKE IT WORK! YA KNOW.? I can’t make this work. no matter what i do.

I was told that these demons work for GOD. God mad everything. So why me and not you average joe shmo doing bad things like actually hurting people? why am I TORTURED? A victim of God?


3 thoughts on “A Victim of God (Octavia Butler)

  1. I love you

    We made it all. We *are* God, but we are insisting on pretending we’re not, that we’re these separate entities that can be victimized. We insist upon our victimization, and then we enact it together and experience it with each other.

    While we’re still confused about how we’re definitely doing this to ourselves, we’re given the metaphor of God + God’s child. We allowed our mind to split. That’s the only way we could conceive of or experience separation. We can’t have victimhood without the perception of separation. We can allow that perception to be healed. The only thing God can offer us is healed perception, but we have to allow it.

    As long as we are clinging to the illusion we made, we’re not allowing the healing to come to us. The demons aren’t other than we are. Nothing is. If we look hard enough and see the light at their core, beyond the horror of their surface, we can thank them for the alarm bell they are ringing. The alarm we feel is the call to wake up and drop the illusion.

    The demons, as separate ones, aren’t. As in they are not. They never existed. There has only ever been the One of us, and we can misinterpret it. Whenever we feel stress, we are feeling a way in which we are habituated to seeing and experiencing things as they are not. If we send out the strong call to see clearly, to see clearly, we will be answered.

    We can stop asking for conditions to change, because the conditions of separation that we made together are all meaningless. If they change from one thing to the other thing, it’s still the other thing based on illusion, and it will still bring suffering. So forget conditions changing. Just ask to see clearly. Just ask to be led to happiness. That is what God *can* do for us.

    In other words. God can’t fuck with what doesn’t exist, because it doesn’t exist. All of the physical things we think are so real–they’ve never been real. If God were to mess with our dream, God would be acting as if the dream had some substance and power, when it truly has none. Part of our journey is relinquishing our dream, and we’re in the middle of it right now.

    I bless you and thank you for your perfect role in letting all of this go. 🙏💚


    1. Lol
      I am not God. I may be a fraction of a fraction of a fraction infinitely of God. But I am not God.

      I heard this rhetoric before….. “This is all a figment of your imagination” just like the Christians that have come on my page and told me I deserve what I got.

      I’ve came at this experience from every angle possible. It is very real to me. I have no idea how to escape it. If you were an actual God you could fix it but you are not so you can’t.

      My blog is my documentation on trying to figure this shit out. BUT I will no longer want to be toyed with by God! The actual God.

      I respect your beliefs as your own. But this is my struggle. I unfortunately did not find relief in your words.

      I hope one day I can put an end to this blog.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree with you. This experience seems very real. What I am learning is that I don’t fix conditions, but I do wake up to how I am choosing suffering. That’s at the level of the mind, not at the level of the physicality. The physicality is what I experience after I have believed thoughts.

        When I am suffering, it is always because I have believed thoughts that are untrue. No one deserves suffering, but we do keep choosing it, mistakenly.

        To whisk me out of my mistaken choice would be to treat me as if I am helpless and powerless. We are self-rescuing princesses, in away. We wake up to what we are doing with thought, and then we stop, and we return Home.

        The dreams we cling to are not taken away from us, but we do surrender them willingly when we realize we’re safe and always supported.

        We are not forced out of the dreams we cling to, but we are given pathways out.

        I wish you well, and I thank you for your role in everyone’s awakening. 🙏💚


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