What I Want 🌿🌸🌿

  • Healthy mind, body and spirit
  • Married to a lovely vegan God loving man.
  • Doing God’s work.
  • Enough money to take care of me and my family (family unit and parents in their older age and sister who is disabled)
  • Just in case I case it is not implied cured of “schizophrenia”
  • Happy and joyous.

So disability as well as my therapist implied that they don’t think I am Schizophrenic. At first I thought it was because it was they thought I was making it up and didn’t believe me, but they would say I don’t look or act Schizophrenic, Schizophrenics aren’t suicidal, schizophrenia aren’t this logical etc.

As I said I don’t care about the label I care about getting better. And I don’t really want schizophrenia stopping me from getting a job or something. They said I have something with psychotic features. Which is still a scary title cause I’m not actually psycho but I have psycho voices in my head (Entities).

I’m not sure what this means for me in life. It all kinda sucks to have a label follow you around. Will this mean I can never work with children? Have a career in mental health? Or anything else that requires a background check? If I choose…

My mom pushed me to go the disability route. But I have been a financial burden on my family. I don’t have a choice in what I eat or when I can go out because of money. And I need more time to push myself and heal or figure out a way to heal this or if it even possible at least try. Natural ways too. Cause these meds aren’t doing much. The sleep med at least is giving me more deep well rested sleep which I appreciate. With these Entities I was stuck in R.E.M. Cycles so dreaming all night and being awakened all night and then I would wake up and eat a cookie don’t ask me why I just did.

Do the sleep meds are decent but the anti-psychotic ones are doing nada. Some just made me high.

Either way I want my life back. I want my body back. I’m fighting hard. But this sucks. I’m tired of the incest thoughts, looping pedo shit thoughts, looping thoughts past mistakes, looping thoughts about my wack ass ex from 4 years ago, like I barely have enough room to create my life and if I do breathe joy into my life here comes these miserable entities with their bullshit and looping thoughts and torture.

Am at a cross roads and I hope I’m going in the right direction.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s