Happiness?

“Happiness will bloom

With fragrance and beauty

If you plant the seeds of love

With a deep driving desire

in the garden of hope

And nurture with tenderness,

Compassion, and care;

If you are always eager to share.”

― Debasish Mridha

=========================

So when I worked at the organic farm I had a a little plot of land that I had intended to grow kale, bok choi and rainbow swiss chard to give away (and eat). But my last year there someone threw (intentionally or by mistake who knows) and industrial size bag of long beans that choked my garden. I don’t know but it seemed like foreshadowing. I mean I spent days picking each bean out by hand weeded and weeded and it took a good storm and a week for my plot to be overwhelmed again. So I gave up. It was too late and my seedlings didn’t have a chance to grow.

This is what it feels like to be with this Schizophrenic Demonic Entity. Stunted. Oppressed. Intentional as much I didn’t want to think someone would do this to me, that someone would want to ruin my garden and others as well cause it spilled over.

Took all of my will and might to pull myself out of the delusion that my ex sent me some sort of curse because of our break up. Because this demon played me WELL.

But my intentions were there to serve my community, to take care of my body to share my love. And it just got so screwed.

So what are intentions? And years of nurturing myself and allowing myself to be nurtured. Caring like I was cared for. And then BOOM Satan wants to pay a personal visit and convince me I have wings to fly off the cliff, when my mortal body was not and still will never be prepared for this type of abuse.

I know I tried. All my life. And the only answer I can come up with is stop trying at this point. Just accept it as a loss. Grieve. The years of planning my life (yes I had a life map, not ridged but a guide some marks to hit when I can), thrown away because now I’m some demons play toy.

Even through my own pain I try to uplift others when I have it in me. Cause this shit is wack. It’s wrong. It’s the least I can do.

As I write this the Demon Entity threatens to “take my mind away” I guess by not allowing me to express myself as much. But I have no say in the choices they choose to make and have made. Apparently they are “absolved of sin” so they can do whatever they want to me.

It doesn’t change my stance. And it wouldn’t matter if I did.

I get threatened all day if not actually violated. And there is no one that can save me. No one has so far. Im not upset it’s just a stark reality of my particular situation. No matter how much I weed, love and light, plan and stay positive this weed that’s not mine keeps popping back up.

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