Today I had a brief conversation with my sister about long term plan….. Because right now we are only in crisis response.
She had many nurses who came to the house but weren’t consistent.
So my mom was tired of it and I just naturally stepped up because that is what you do. I just didn’t really expect to.
I had just got out of the psyche ward and wasn’t expected to take care of my sister. My mom told me when she was in the hospital for a heart attack after my grandma passed to “just take care of your sister”. I took this very seriously. And given my own circumstance I used every once of my sanity to take care of my sister.
I had to detach the disgusting thing that the was Entity was saying and doing to me in order to take care of my sister.
It would say I will never be a mom and this is as close to bring a mother I will be as I would wipe my sister butt.
It would then turn my sisters night calls into something gross and disgusting buzzing or burning my vagina and saying my sister turns me on, as I listen out to see if she needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
I am at a place now where I think everyone can make a better plan. Because I cant keep doing this. Honestly, I’m not a nurse, its not my passion although if I wasn’t dealing with this Entity I would be more willing.
But I’ve reached my limit.
For a whole year I begged everyone to turn down the TVs. All of them. All 3 TVs and my sister computer playing YouTube or Glee at volume 100 all the while I was freaking out in my bed and being schizophrenic demon possessed. I begged for a whole year!
Often and especially in the beginning I felt trapped because I couldn’t go outside because I was afraid, both of outside and leaving my sister alone…. But then I was stuck inside the house with 3 TVs and a loud ass computer all going at the same time…. Along with this Entity, playing off the TVs and whatever else it can to gain attention.
It really wasn’t until maybe last month or so my sister started being considerate when she woke up turning down the volume to a point my body didn’t tremble from sound.
And that’s all I asked.
I was asked to take care of my sister which is a big responsibility…. But I could not get my needs met because they werent as important or visable because I’m “able body”.
So now I just give up.
Honestly my sister didn’t want the kind of care I was willing to give. She just wants some to open soda bottles and help her to the bathroom.
So now she can look for that…. Cause otherwise there is no point in me waking up ….. And she needs an aid to help.
But I just can’t any more. Its not her fault!
Its not her fault that this Entity did what it did and I want to die…. Or I’m sensitive the TVs I or any sound really.
The demon Entity would burn my vagina or buzz my vagina while I would lay in bed waiting and listening out for my sister. I would say “I hope my sister knows how much I love her.” To endure this. I was putting my needs last. First to this invisible Entity’s sick desires and games, second to my sisters, and then to myself.
Today I tried to have a conversation with my sister about looking for an aid… Because I’m not a nurse. And maybe I just don’t have the finness to be able to get my sister to do the things she needs in order to take care of herself.
I however I have no idea what to do for myself. I didn’t take care of my sister because of karma points, but because its just what you do. But now the Entity wants to make me feel bad because I am telling my sister we need to look into what her long term care will be and not depend on me popping up anytime she wants soda.
Honestly her leg has gotten worse because she’s not working it out like she use to and I can’t force her even though I tried. So maybe I’m not that person. .
Just more shame and guilt this entity will play on.
But now I need to focus on myself.