Authenticity and Healing

1. I am not sure it was an implanted belief or not. But at some point I had this…. Idea that I am suppose to pray and wait for this Entity/ Demon thing to leave. 

Some days I would just walk around chit chatting with this thing like we are besties letting it drain me of my energy. And then it shows me an image of child abuse or does something gross or rapes me in my sleep. And then I go back on my quest to get rid of it.

I’m tired and very confused at this point.

So I had to get rid of this guilt about looking for a solution for my own healing. That I looked outside my faith in God it was dark magic. 

Not all methods or concepts of healing or protection I fully understand. So there are some ideas that go against my belief or experience.

I finally came to my own conclusion…. Whatever this thing is….  Entity, alien, demon, djinn……  Why would God want me to sit there and take it and not fight back anyway I can? Why I sit here and act like this thing is my friend when really its draining my life force, showing me sick shit and using Gods name to control me. Why would God be upset that I tried to find healing, understand it or create it?

2. Being as I have researched this Entity Attachment from EVERY possible angle and belief system…. Its been difficult to figure out what mode of healing works best. I’ve tried many. I’m also upset that people took my money with out ever really helping. But it’s not that simple it seems. And I feel like I have to fully understand energy, mysticism and healing for myself to get rid of this thing.

I mean I’ve studied herbs and nutrition, as well as financial and community health….. But now spiritual health it seems like I will have to dive into. I’m strong enough in myself. I think………… Its just this attachment will make it difficult to really study. I can barely read anymore ….  That’s why I write. 

I’m sick of being bullied and defenseless.

3. My experiences don’t always corelate with a single “belief system” or knowledge base. So figuring out what something REALLY is …. Can be tricky. But I also like understanding how or what it may corelate with OTHER belief systems as well.

Example: I see flashes of light/ sparkles. 

Belief #1: your angels are around you.

Belief #2: your auric field is being attacked by an entity.

Belief #3: your eyes/brain needs to be checked. Retina damage or floaters.

Belief #4: ascension upgrades/ coming into your “gifts”.

These are all different and kind of conflictibg. I am sure there are even more beliefs around this one experience…. But finding what is true at least for me. And while I have found so many half truths…. I haven’t found any whole truths just yet.

(I’m being choked into tears as I write this right now) What are the importance of tears anyway? I try to stop. I hate crying now because it doesn’t feel like a release anymore it feels like manipulation. 

4. Maintaining authenticity. In one group…. Someone is telling me I need to stop drinking coffee…. Stop doing this or that…. Don’t listen to certain music…. Surrender…. Don’t be at meat, Just wait it out….. “You are going through a storm to recieve your blessing type amen”…… Like I don’t know y’all. 

I have to be myself. I like coffee, cigarettes, listening to Flatbush Zombies and I’m pissed off. If course I want to better myself! But its just doesn’t feel right just stripping my life of everything I enjoy…. And sitting here and waiting it out. That is no different than this Entity. 

I have to re learn what works for me …. Considering my life circumstance right now (ie. Entity and watching my twin sister). 

But my priority is healing and removing this entity because I think he got confused somewhere down the line.

Just trying to stay grounded…. But also open. 

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7 thoughts on “Authenticity and Healing

  1. Have been following your posts for a while by email. My heart goes out to you. I truly wish there was something I could do to take your pain away but there is not just wish you the best. I might have already done this in the past and I don’t want to sound preachy and I don’t have it all sorted out. I just would like to say what brought me some piece. I have accepted the voices into my life I personally see them as part of how my brain functions. I have taken the point of view of Jacqui Dillon, Rai Waddingham there on twitter, there busy at the moment but might point you to interesting material to read if your interested. My life currently I work and hear very critical voices but I just accept them as they are as best I can. I even struggle to suppress a laugh or two in work while interacting with them and working. I probably take the piss out of them to much but sometimes they play along and it can be enjoyable process. I can still see light and in the past sparkles or patterns but I would only see these in stressful situations. I try not read to much into them other than they are a stress response. I still feel unpleasant sensations in my body but I believe they relate to trauma in my childhood. I have asked my voices or entity’s whatever you want to call them. To restrict interacting with private parts of my body to certain times. With some success but I still ware two jocks to avoid any embarrassment in public (sorry TMI). Some people call these tactile sensations. I am sure you have found plenty of info on them online. Even as horrible as they can be I have learned to accept them as part of me and they can be enjoyable. The feeling of violation in your sleep is fucking horrendous no question of it but I make statements before I go to sleep like consent is essential for everyone in my dreams, I will have good peaceful dreams etc. It took a while but other than the odd glitch I mostly get a good nights rest and am not violated in any way. I can still be paranoid and struggle with my thought process but I manage. The most stressful part of my day is interacting with people which I have given up on (I always stank at it). Seeing child abuse images is also fucking horrendous and I have found as a man I have to be extremely careful who I tell about this aspect of my life. This was a serious issue for me once , I tried to commit suicide on more than one occasion because of it. I am truly glad I did not succeed. I do not for the most part see these any more. Now 99% of the time I see images of different stuff mostly woman and men interacting sexually with each other when I meditate, it can really make mediation very interesting. I believe talking to therapist can help but you need to find right one , I found one good one but we have hit a brick wall and not progressing I just moan about life and cannot talk about anything related to child abuse. Found another one and she seemed fixated on telling me my mother was an alcoholic, not really helpful. So I am looking for one again. Fingers crossed I will find one. The last person I emailed just ignored me. I think I remember you went to one but she quit or something I would suggest keep looking for one (advice I could use myself).
    Again I wish you the best whatever road you decide to take from this point. Sorry if this sounds preachy and if I have rambled on about this in previous interactions.
    Sending all the positive vibes your way. Hope things turn around for you.

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    • Thank you for your comment(s) as someone who knows the experience. I have yet to except this as my reality and I am unable to work because of it. I am often drained or distracted and can barely get through a simple task as I have tested myself in various ways.

      Any thing physically demanding the Entity seems to…. Choke or speed up or cause a sensation of anxiety. Anything thought base it seems to be very controlling in the details of.

      So currently do not have that option of work or income. Although I look forward to doing so one day.

      I understand as a man that this experience is stigmatized and saying you see images of child abused or any hyper sexualization could cause concern. But I think its important that we are open and honest about our experience. Otherwise it holds me personally back. A few times i told a male that “I feel raped by a demon at night” unfortunately their first question with a glean in their eye or an eagerness in knowing is if I “liked it?”. Getting raped I guess. Which was a clear indicator of where that person is mentally.

      Yes I will be judgy judgy. But I don’t give a fuck if someone thinks I’m a astral child molestor or demon sex slave. I’m gonna keep writing it out. And I accept none of this fuckery.

      I already accepted my vulnerability. Which is that my body is unable to protect itself from demons or outside forces or has turned against itself and no drug or treatment has worked.

      But I will not accept this fuckery. Its not fun thinking about or debating the morality of child molestation (as if there IS a debate) all fucking day or one moment every woman’s boobs is being highlighted or some strange weird hyper sexualization. If i wanted to look at porn I would. If I wanted to have sex I would. Its all pretty easy to obtain. Rather than being forced images of sex or feeling raped or having my life threatened. This is not how I am use to thinking or feeling. So no I do not get a good nights sleep unless I took a LOT of benadryl.

      No but I’m glad you made peace with yours……. I have not. And will not….. That’s not peace to me that’s coping.

      Yea the voice can be funny too… Shit I make jokes all day to COPE ….. But accepting this NAH fuck that.

      This is honestly as I said before this is my therapy! Its free and I write it as its happening to cope with it.

      You are not preachy at all…. And I get where you’re coming from.

      But I will not accept any of this as our standard.

      Thank you again for your honesty and sharing with me and I know this shit is crazy. I have met others.

      This my safe space. Kinda.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I admire your strength and honesty and I truly wish you the best in dealing with your life experiences.

        I have had very negative experiences when sharing what I see and hear with MH people it did not help and I do not wish to experience this again.

        I guess I truly do not understand this experience I have just learned to live with it but I do feel at peace with it, The biggest struggle I have is engaging with people.

        I get anxiety and feeling down myself I find it hard to tell what’s me or my voices. I find meditation useful with this side of things.

        I found meds not much use but have appointment with new therapist Tuesday will see how goes.

        I will continue to follow your posts with great interest. All the best.

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      • I’m sorry that sharing wasn’t the best. I personally find forums and Facebook groups to be the best. Family was OK and then friends were just confused and wanted to fix it immediately and I just wanted to freak out because something serious was happening.

        So no more talking to certain friends about it. The fake ass “I’m fine text” will be administered from now one. My family is compassionate and understanding but …. To a point as they still blare all 5 TVs in the house at the same time.

        Even therapist can be dismissive about the situation. My old therapist (and she was good) refused to acknowledge the demon as a demon or the story. But its whatever.

        For me that anxiety shit is bullshit!…. Like I was laying down doing nothing …. And I realized I was being sucked into anxiety…… Just the other day I told myself “to chill and there is no reason for my heart to be racing or body to be shaking”. I tried to comfort my body and talk each part into being calm. It worked.

        So I too don’t know if it is the voice causing it …. Or my body reacting to this situation with the voices. …. Or lord knows. But if I catch myself in anxiety (or whatever feels abnormal to me) and can then address it, breathe, and bring myself back down to my baseline.

        I am always here to talk. But idk if would just work you up. Lol like I have never wanted something so bad but to get rid of this thing …. So I’m hyped.

        If any meds work for you let me know! I know a woman they worked for….. But I also know a woman who got rid of it naturally as well. It seems to depend.

        Liked by 1 person

      • My family are grand as well but can’t really discuss anything difficult with them. All they ever seem to say is take your meds you will be better. The parents moved into my house when I was unwell and there not leaving , they argue all the fucking time.

        Don’t really have friends to talk to as mentioned I have kind of given up interacting with people. (Well for the moment at least).

        If you have some links to forums that discuss stuff feel free to pass them on.

        My old therapist acknowledged the voices and would ask what they would say but could not really discuss anything CSA related. Trying new one.

        Anxiety can be an issue I used to have racing heart beat at night before sleep but this has stopped. Still feel anxiety in stomach but try similar thing with breathing you try, it seems to keep everything on even keel. I use breathing as well when my thoughts run away with themselves. I would suddenly feel depressed for no reason as well. I have read somewhere certain people can relate certain voices to certain feelings.

        My voices seem to react to yourself , they think you hate them. They also really react to any negative feelings I have to them, it’s like there hypersensitive.

        My voices consider anything sexual stuff to be rape and at times if I look at a woman or thing about sex my body reacts. I don’t bother arguing anything anymore I spend more time taking the piss and laughing then anything else. For me I see them as an internal process even do they feel like outside forces and some of the stuff is horrid. I appreciate you do not share this point of view.

        I spend sometime praying, going to mass, shamans and such none of these things helped me. I used to place barriers and shield etc. around my house and body. They seemed to have a little impact for a while but not sure if voices just going along with it. I can’t help but feel I just wasted time trying to get rid of them.

        I am on meds against my choice. Not sure they do anything still experience same stuff I experienced 10 years ago just have different point of view but I do see less visual stuff unless I am stressed in which case I see static and light type stuff. I am on risperdol injection it has zero impact on the voices. I got doctor to reduce dosage last year my family freaked out gave me some shit they are all about the meds.

        My biggest issue is just interacting with people and keeping my head calm. My thoughts can get carried away and I feel everyone is against me. Paranoia I guess.

        If you want to talk about anything just let me know. It’s always nice to air an issue to someone😉

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      • I think forums are the best for me right now because its controlled in a way. For connecting with people. You can search any topic of interest really. Doesn’t have to be voice related. (May even be better as there is always debate lol) I am apart of vegan groups, gardening, games etc…. So just the human interaction is helpful for now.
        Family also upholds meds as the only way but I just don’t have the same view. But I realize its from a place of wanting me to be OK.
        I have found my zen place with interacting with people….. Like I know if and when I am being played by this voice so I just try to be zen and super friendly so their is no mistake. Maybe its a little fake but…. Oh well. So is the voices paranoid bullshit.
        I guess my issue right now is ENJOYING life or the relationships I do have. With out having to mitigate my thought process another with another.
        I would love to connect with you on Facebook soon. I have to sit with it because I wanted this blog to remain anonymous. But I say the same shit in FB forums as well with my picture attached sooooo hmmmm whatever if you want to Add me on FB let me know. I will tell you my handle.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Never really looked at forums , might have a noise.

        I think I am like the complete opposite of zen around people. People just confuse the shit out of me.

        I don’t really have issue with voices in general when doing stuff or interacting with people. I am mostly left alone then. I am the issue when interacting with people.

        Whatever your comfortable with on Facebook, if you want to send me the handle that’s good. Not sure how it works on facebook but will figure out.

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