I miss me.

Will I have to live with this the rest of my life? 

These implanted thoughts, sensations, visions. 

Maybe 30 mins ago as I was laying down calm… The Entity flashed this crazy close image of Bill Cosby and said “there you absorbed Bill Cosby”. I replied “He’s dead?!” I guess I thought you “absorb” spirits or whatever. 

The Entity said “You will have to lice the rest of your life in this shame, since you want to stay here.” Essentially saying that I will have to live with the sick images/ visions, insane thoughts, disgusting sensations because I won’t kill myself.

And so will I? Will have have to live the rest of my life like this? 

I’m tired of debating with this Entity. I complain about this all the time. I’ve laid it all out till I can’t even repeat it any more. I don’t want to. I just want it to go away. 

I’ve tried every possible thing you can think of. Seriously….. 

There is no immediate justice for what I am being put through. It is invisible. 

I’m being told it is me. 

It is not.

And all I can do is sleep this pain away. In intervals. Between living for someone else…. And barely surviving for me.

If I ever wanted magic powers this would be the time. If I ever needed God…. I need God more than ever right now. Not before or after…. Now. Now.

Because I can’t. 

I take this day by day. I make light of it… I make fun of the insane thoughts… Humor to keep myself afloat even when the Entity sends sick thoughts or images. Dry humor. 

Desensitized, numb….. Bitter.

Bitter that doing the best you can in this world gets you this. Raped at night by the invisable…. Choked during the day until your eyes swell up with tears. Thoughts that race that aren’t even mine. 

I miss my mind…. My body. I never missed me so much. I don’t care if that seems narcissistic. I miss me. Life wasn’t easy…. But at least I tried to get by the best way i know how with me. Going through the matrix of what my original thought and how it was then twisted and distorted added on to and then told it was mine.

I won’t say can’t live like this. 

But who would want to?

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