Holding   S  P  A C E

So currently I am holding space for my cousin who was attacked in a hate crime. 

Its been difficult….. Because I’m mad at the people who did this, the cops and hospital for victimizing her and treating her like she did something g to deserve this as well as trying to hold compassion her as she let’s it all out.

One thing I learned through my sister stroke is learning to step back while holding space. I mean I try not to “tell someone what to do”…. But at the same time I still get the response “I’m not a child”. I’m not treating anyone like a child…. Do you say that to the nurse? Do you say that to the Doctor? Your boss? Therapist? … No.

So its interesting that this keeps coming up. Both are healing and probably hate asking people for things…. But at the same time you need to ask for things. So far in a very short period of time my cousin has lashed out, bei d mean shady …. And when I walked away to cool off and let her be an “adult” she would cry for me to come back to the hospital because she didnt feel safe and that really isn’t the dynamic I’m into. 

So its like I am suppose to just sit there and take it.

I think this situation is a little more intense since it was a violent crime…. But I don’t know what to do. I have just been asking for permission to check out for a few moments. She gets it but it doesn’t stop her.

On top of that I also have this Entity as well. 

My cousin. Was violently attacked. They will find, imprison, fine, charge the people who did this.

There is no justice for what I have endured with this Entity. There is reparations for the relationships and loss of things that I love. I just grin and bare it. And anytime I let my smile slip…. And just be human. The Entity takes it as an opportunity to tell me to kill myself. 

I get no justice. My scares are invisible. I look one way to people and they don’t understand what’s going on inside.

But this experience has made me even more aware to be kind to people. But I always was kind and generous to people. I don’t have any money now so all I have is my time. To be there.

My cousin said some shit like “you should just leave everyone”. Yea…. Uhuh OK. When I left her hospital room just to go take a shower … She would throw a fit about me getting back to the hospital as quickly. Sooooooo? What leave my sister who is disabled now? 

I felt clostrophobic just having my cousin coming at me… And then this Entity trying to take advantage of what ever feels I may have.

Its like I can’t even totally sort them out with out it jumping in… Trying to be human and shit. Like you don’t get what its like to be human. You can emulate, simulate, stalk….. whatever but you don’t know and don’t care. 

All you care about is whatever the mission is you came here for.

Which was apparently to make it so terrible that I would commit suicide.

Its still here. He is still here. I will stand my ground. There is nothing to “get use to” as the Entity would suggest.

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