Looking at this experience from many angles and beliefs….. I had this moment of taking it as a compliment.
While this… “Shadow” …. This “Entity” tried everything in its power…. And with in my own as well, to convince me I AM this …. And not that….. That I AM who IT says I am… a terrible person….. That I am something unknown to me…. But most of all I don’t know who I am…..
It had to use the every tactics to try and convince me or make me believe I was someone…. Or something I am not.
But if that is who I am then there wouldn’t be any need for convincing. I know where my delusions lie.
This Entity had to distort my reality in order to throw me off my center and used the opportunity of traumatic life events as a point of attack.
The hate, the bigotry, the sexual distortion, the control, the rape, the dillusion, the torture, the lies, the manipulation, the fear…. The “darkness”.
Those are all things I would consider myself NOT to be. I’m not in any way perfect. I can not say that I have never in my life been dishonest or manipulative. But for a majority of my life I have tried to be conscious of such… If not hyper conscious. We all have potential…. Slip ups. But that doesn’t make us who we are.
So the fact that this Entity (which NOW wants to call its self my shadow so that I will accept it as my own) used the OPPOSITE of who I know myself to be…. is telling. I am no longer interested in playing this Three Card Monti of “is this you or is this me?”.
Telling to who I really am. And what I am not.
So I take this Entities best efforts in trying to destroy who I am…. As a compliment.
It took many years of preparation I see.
I’ve lost some people and some things that I love dearly. Lots of dignity in the process.
But …… I know who I am.
More so than ever now.