This has been happening before but its was among soooo much other things. And while the other things have not permanently gone away this was highlighted.
Both natural and unnatural impulses are out wack for me. For instance the Entity will que the impulse to kick my mothers Dog. Never before have I ever wanted to hurt an animal. Maybe a cockroach…. Bout it. “Karma” in NYC is prolly fucked on that alone (jk). So that is a very unnatural impulse for me. I usually try to change it to petting or being annoying to the animal.
But then there are “natural” impulses like mainly smoking and eating that has been extremely out of wack. It’s not the act itself as is the frequency of the impulse. So…. Yes I smoke. I mean I didn’t smoke a lot before ALL of this happened (2-4 a day). But the Entity has been both vocal and “suggestive” about smoking and at the same time reprimanding. So literally in the same 30 seconds the Entity will give the impulse to get up and smoke and then a few moments later to “not smoke”. If the Entity suggests me to smoke vocally….. It will say, “Get up and smoke so i can put this away.” (Idk what that even really means). If actually do amoke (suggested or not) it will say “will you PLEASE stop smoking!” Or some version of that. And really I’m over here chilling trying to watch an episode of My Little Ponies in peace.
So the fact that the Entity gives both the impulse to smoke and to not smoke is false sense of choice. Instead of the impulse never being there in the first place or set in motion. The same thing happens with eating even moments after I eat.
Granted when this all first started I did not choose the healthiest vices. Smoking and eating but again…. I can tell even when my own habits are not me. Even as quiet as an impulse. This happens frequently. So it just feel strange….. And I don’t like it. There are other ones…. But these are just examples.
So what do I do to resist? Stop smoking (although I want to) and stop eating all together? Fasting…. Again?
Just an observation.