Trying to hold on

I could write more about my “findings”, realization, discoveries. But is still a delusion an illusion… I can’t touch it but I feel it – can see but hear, can’t know but understand…… A personal hell that even in my connection with other people with similar stories…. I have to hold back… There are still bars between us…. Still missing pieces. Still questions unanswered. How can something “not real” affect me so deeply?

Just when I think there is relief…. Or I see the end of this tunnel… Or I picture myself getting motivated to be the person I know I am and not stuck …… Here… With this…. Alone. 

To question ever thought and interaction …. Was it real? Did my mind make it up? Did a demon whisper in my ear? The invisible abuser.

I’ve tried just about everything. I’m growing weary. Tired. 

I don’t know what I did…….. And I don’t know what to do. 

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