In the middle of a mini breakdown…. Crying…. Which I actually havent done in a while (for me… Considering the circumstance). I had to shut down because it was being exploited. While the the reasons while I started crying where me and authentic…. I allowed it…. And then the Entity stepped in and tried to exploit it a bit more by bringing it up again moments later. Then in had to stop myself because I realized what could not be formulated into logical words at the time…. Were being exploited.
I guess…. I feel like I have to keep boxing myself in … All the boxes…. Black or white.
So I met some wonderful souls…. kind and caring souls…. Tonight was kind of this strange paradox …. Because I had one guy (an ordained priest) in my chat about preform an exorcism on me and in the other chat a guy who is a guru and offered disciplineship.
Excorism Guy told me to imagine a Warrior Angels Ezikiel all decked out and say “I know him” and to then say a prayer. I felt the “energy” or tention in my head drop down to my lower region and then it came back up.
Soon after the Guru messaged me and asked if I had been practicing my daily meditations. Which is to look at a picture of him prior and then move on to my meditation. Meditation is difficult currently as I have both images/ lights, sensations and a the voice of an entity bombarding me as I try to cut through to nothing. Stillness. I asked the Guru what is normal? Nothingness… Stillness (which I was use to prior to this experience) or the full experience? He said to drop my expectations. I told him that often when I meditate or simple relax I then have these black outs/ white outs that are often scary cause I attribute them to this Entity. He said “hmm” nothing more and offered disciplineship and said I would have to register (but I’m currently not in a position to pay for much).
The Priest then sent me another prayer and with strong imagery and I just couldn’t connect to it. And I didn’t like the feeling…. I don’t know if this because I am truly possessed or because my beliefs differ or because……. Lack of control. Its not like I’ve never read a prayer before.
Somewhere between these two conversations I had a break down and just started crying. I was afraid to look at the image of the Guru because the Entity has used/ distorted images of men in my life to make them seem like they are child molestors (father, ex twin flame). Then I had this other image being presented of the Archangels swooping in to defeat the demons… And I am tired of this demon play….
I had to stop the Priest and said goodnight to the Guru… And just take a breather.
The only way I could survive right now is to limit the imagery and my own imagination in order to find the outer limits of a neutral ground… Balance. And watching Zootopia….. Everyday.😞😒
++++I had to get some sleep. So hopefully with a “clearer” mind I flesh this out.