Awareness in the body (a curse)

As I said I am being as brutally honest as I can be. In a way I make myself vulnerable to judgment both of myself and of others.

I woke up a few moments ago and went to the window to have a cigarette. I gazed out the window…. My eyes switch from across the street to the one closest to me depending on who’s movings. Colors, fashion, ways of movement, so much information is being taken in… Consciously or unconsciously.

So I saw a “young” (i guess i didnt notice til later) lady pass by I noticed her hair, interesting color of blonde and a short hair cut I thought was nice. I miss my hair, but also look at different hair styles in hopes to do something with this awkward stage. I noticed a buzz feeling in my lower region (this buzz happens often when the Entity is playing which is often). 

I became angry, many of the “symptoms” had dialed down along with the volume of the Entity’s voice (more or less some times turns up randomly). But the fact is that the Entity along with these sensations are still here. I became angry, because I can’t believe I am still dealing with this bullshit. 

So, I did an experiment, I said the words (kids, child) in my mind and felt the same buzz, then I said the word (mom) and didn’t notice any difference. I got angry a bit more, and thought I would write about this in my blog.

Entity started acting up (it likes to act), said, “No, no don’t put that in your blog you are going to look like a pedophile.” To keep me from writing about it. It then proceeded to “send buzz” sensations when another woman passed by and said “see I’m evening it out”. Then said, “I need a new team” and I then heard a woman’s voice.

This isn’t the first time this has happened (over the course of the year), I noticed the sensations and trigger thoughts or words. The same thing happened with my father when I went camping on the beach with him (which was a nightmare!). I noticed what the entity was trying to do, and then said the words and noticed the sensation. Is the same father trigger word still there, nope.

You don’t just wake up one day feeling like this being “triggered” by things that never triggered you. I don’t care how dialed down this experience is, its done and over. I’m over it. 

The Entity wants to act like its my guru or teacher or like there is some reward for dealing with this, but there us not. Its a lie. This is abuse. This is spiritual, mental, emotional and phyicical abuse.

This is why asked are those who are “enlightened” just accepting a fantasy? I never asked for it and I do not want this….I want it over.

I took four benadryls cause I can’t deal and want to just sleep thus away. 

I guess fear does keep you asleep.

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