Take the best, leave the rest.
A lot came up for me while watching this. She actually talks about it in a clean non confusing or mysterious kind of way. So a lot came up in terms of what I have gone through in the last year. Which was of the opposite. More than I can really explain yet I understand for myself for the most part ….. BUT what I found is that I still have distortions.
Major major distortions (distorted memories) and a voice to “narrate” them….. Not as feel them but almost as perceived outside of me.
I don’t want to make this post about how this is not me…. And I’m not this or that. (Got enough of those)
But there is a distortion in my experience that seems beyond my “repressions”. Yes I think child molestors/ pedaphiles are scary and the scum of the earth. Yes I got that from an early age when I didn’t understand. And yes I can also have compassion for them. So if we want to put it in a nice neat box my fear of child molestors got me called a child molestor by some voice in my head dragging me through a nightmare of a child molestor world, to the point I don’t even want to hear the words ever again let alone for it even to exist.
That’s the neat version.
The not so neat version is the “distortion”, that’s the best way I can discribe it. The fact that I have a voice that overlays/ super imposses over what people say… That almost picks and chooses what it wants to play….. Accompanied by false feelings/ sensations and memory distortion….. Still has me wonder wtf?
So for instance; a memory that was distorted. Was that (maybe two years prior) one of my interns came back the next year and I noticed he looked different (as I do with a lot of people). A lot of interns come back with growth spurts or hair cuts or loosing weight. But either way it was a simple wow he looks different. The memory was then distorted to make it seem as if I was attracted to him in a sexual way. And used it for guilt and shame for days to the point i almost believed it. I would have believed accepted anything to make it go away. But I wasn’t I had just noticed something different. This doesn’t mean that finding young people cute, pretty or handsome is wrong. In fact we are taught that when we are young because adults tell us that. This same voice/ entity tried to make other people in my life that i love and respect out to be pedophiles through “suggestion” including my ex (twin flame). I didn’t believe it but it still scared the shit out of me.
Its the distortion… That what I’m having a hard time with.
That is just one (or two) examples. There are many many many more of the same topic and different ones. And I have gone over them until exhaustion 😩😩😩😩😩. I don’t know how many different ways I can look at something.
In a spiritual forum this man said that he has a voice that told him to run his car off the road. Or punch someone in the face…. He didn’t. So the shadow is harm to self and others? That is a lighter version…. I fake punch my sister like mortal combat all day.
But what the fuck is complicating something so simple?
I am unable to believe that this to my benefit since I have gained 75lb in 6 months, accuired high blood pressure, quit my job, wont see anyone and locked myself in my house unable to take care of myself and barely my sister. Where is the benefit in that?
So anytime I have a fear or repression, this distortion is going to jump in and start acting up? People say keep your thoughts positive. I am more of a worrier/ planner (not only for myself but for others), that’s how I stay positive…… But I don’t know how to plan after this. I’m low key afraid to work with youth now cause I don’t want this shit to happen ever again. And clearly it doesn’t matter cause world is filled with children.
When I was younger maybe a teen j was looking through a book of mythology and found a name of a goddess that was close to mine named Hathor. She was the protector of women and children and when she saw that the men were taking advantage she went into a bloody rage and the only thing that calmed her down is by them tricking her to drink blood from a river that was really wine.
I held that story with me, to protect women and children. I wasn’t trying to be a super hero, but I was just something that stuck with me. Most of my work in the community focused on the advocacy of woman and youth. So to have the opposite happen through some distorted and dillusion factor….. Has broken me down.
I actually wanted to keep this short. But I guess not.