Disassociative Identity Disorder

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is less common than bipolar disorder and is usually first diagnosed in a person’s late teens or early to late 20’s. More men than women receive a diagnosis of schizophrenia, which is characterized by having both hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations are seeing or hearing things that aren’t there. Delusions are the belief in something that isn’t true. People who have delusions will continue with their delusions even when shown evidence that contradicts the delusion. That’s because, like hallucinations, delusions are “irrational” — the opposite of logic and reason. Since reason doesn’t apply to someone who has a schizophrenic delusion, arguing with it logically gets a person nowhere.

Schizophrenia is also challenging to treat mainly because people with this disorder don’t function as well in society and have difficulty maintaining the treatment regimen. Such treatment usually involves medications and psychotherapy, but can also involve a day program for people who have more severe or treatment-resistant forms of the disorder.

Because of the nature of the symptoms of schizophrenia, people with this disorder often find it difficult to interact with others, and conduct normal life activities, such as holding down a job. Many people with schizophrenia go off of treatment (sometimes, for instance, because a hallucination may tell them to do so), and end up homeless.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-differences-between-bipolar-disorder-schizophrenia-and-multiple-personality-disorder/

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So this was triggered by someone mentioning Disassociative Identity in Kundalini support fb group as it may relate. I decided to look it up (cause i wasnt sure exactly what it ment) and it brought me back to schizophrenia which I then trying to see if there was a difference. This was after having a pretty decent night/ morning of inspiring chit chatting with other women in PCOS, weight loss and spiritual groups. 

So back in reality, this is what I am up against.

One it seems that Schizophrenia has so many layers. The “hallucinations”, the different “personalities”, the story… Because there seems to be a story you have to believe. I mean I hear/ read about people tripping all kinda balls (which is comforting), from speaking to their angels, dead relatives, god, demons (😞) and I think the only difference between me and them is maybe the frequence of the experience and the fact I can not function regularly.

I mean I heard of people “battling their demons” but I didn’t know it was this real! And I def didn’t know that they talk back. At this point I don’t even know what my “demon” is. 😕 I mean cigarettes, food (currently)? Its def not my ex and its def not child abuse. 

So if I go out in public and I’m being called a child molestor by this Voice and I’m starting to have a panic attack from being both upset and angry and then I start to cry cause there is nothing I can do, even though I hold it back and then I feel that choking sensation where the Entity WANTS me to cry, and taking it to the next level of attack. And Yea…. So….. How do I ….. How can I hold down a job like this?  

While I am carried off into LaLa land of fear, pain, lies, confusion and misunderstandings. My life …. Again…. Is at risk. Risk of not being able to take care of myself. Risk of being homeless AGAIN! 

So what’s real? I’ve peeled back the layers of this Voice…. It definitely ain’t God, its not some telapathic communication between my ex (twin flame), shit its not even real day to day communication (as it has interfered in regular conversations) even though it has predicted the future. I’ve pegged it as a demon, it prefers to be called an Entity. I peeled back the multiple “story line” in which it said I would “Die (commit suicide) for my Ex by means of child molestation (fear)” sooooooo ……………………….. Yea.

But with all that aside how do I mitigate between these two experiences? When right there in that article it says that’s what my life will be. I already read it…. I cant unread it. And this “Entity/Voice” has found what I would call inspiration (usually negative) from the most unusual, ironic and forgotten places no matter how positive I try to be.

I don’t know. 

I miss hanging put with my friends, I miss cooking healthy veggies, working out, riding my bike and getting lost and then trying to find my way back (not a metaphor) , I miss being intimate with someone (sexual or not), I miss working, I miss my dream… My fairytales even if it isn’t true…. It didn’t matter, I miss creating, i miss being inspired, I miss thinking for “myself” or not thinking at all, I miss my hair, I miss my intuition, my motivation, my direction……… I miss me.

I’m unsure how to proceed and when I get a little bit of inspiration I get brought down. I mean if I do something nice for my sister or try to make her laugh the Entity goes in extra hard (saying something gross or feeling violating sensations) to make sure I feel like shit a few moments later. If I get the courage to go out into the world and test myself I am reminded that it will turn everything into a shit show, twisting every interaction or word spoken to its own other and usually gross meaning.

I haven’t taken a shower in a week. Its almost like i dont want to take a shower or go outside until this thing is gone. I don’t know why. I just eat, sleep (sometimes choked to sleep), take care of my sister, sleep again, smoke a cig, sleep again, eat, take care of my sister, and hear this stupid nasty bullshit all day in between.

I know its prolly not a good or realistic idea. But …. I don’t know what else to do. How many more prayers? How many more shamans? Pills? Articles? How many more times do I have to tell this thing to leave before its gone?

I can’t blame looking up the disassociative thing on the Entity. I saw it in a forum and instantly wanted to know more…. I can’t even blame it for feeling like shit right now other than its presence and usual fuckery. But it was kind of like a reality check. Is it a demon or is it my mind fucking with me? And why is my mind fucking with me? And why does it have to be negative? And why does it seem like it has an agenda?

As much as I want to believe any of it…. Either the demon and or that my mind is broken and fucking with me …. None of it makes sense. 

I heard that for every alement, there is an antidote (in nature). I have not found mine yet.