I’m unsure of how to form new relationships. I have to be honest with myself and others. But at the same time telling someone I’m “schizophrenic” or that I hear voices could run anyone away ….. OR they could possibly play off of it.
The last guy I dated, had a similar experience, and I liked him but he like ghosted on valentine day and then didn’t contact me for a month. Popped up saying he missed me. And at this point I feel so deep in this disgusting energy that I just can’t. In a way I wanted him to help me cultivate joy. To take my mind off of this …. For a moment. I still respected him as a person but I just can’t handle the ….. Entity playing off another relationship. So I just pushed him away.
My previous relationship with my ex (“twin flame”) slowly but surely the entity pretended to be the voice of my ex right in front of me. So I was “miss hearing” things that he never said like… I love you….. And when I finally sat down to talk to my ex about it he was shocked and we were not on the same page. (I plan on purging that story some time soon)
Sooooooooooo….. I keep myself locked in the house like a beast because I have this monster screaming in my ear… My head… Playing with me… Like a toy. And in some ways I don’t want to drag anyone else into that again…. Into any misunderstanding. I don’t want to fuck up…. I don’t know how to not fuck up with this…. Make someone text everything they are saying to me so I can reference it later?
I barely take a shower because the entity talks about how fat and ugly I am and that “no one wants to see this show”. And previously I had a mild sense of esteem. Like yea I want to loose a few pound but at least I tried to put my best forward.
When walking down the street or scrolling through my fb timeline the entity calls out who it thinks is pretty or not. And if they are, the entity says they look better than me and so on. I have almost trained myself to glaze over a crowd but it still picks someone out.
There are so many storylines, and put downs, and threats all day everyday that I just don’t know if I could ever truly drag someone in this.
I’m all hippy dippy and so like wonder if they get any of this energy? Its gross. I don’t even have energy to give honestly I my body…. My spirit… Is drained from constantly trying to defend itself all day and all night.
So how can I bring someone new in my world? How can i make my own self happy if all the things that made me happy are almost impossible to engage in. (Music, reading, working out, hanging out, art, walking, working). All of that takes energy and I can’t seem to focus mine or the entity twists it or stakes claims.
Its like if I have my OWN thoughts the entity gets up set and tries to override them…. By talking more, confusing me, or just jibber jabbing. So I’m just kind of at a loss. I know that I need to be patient …. But at the same time I’m trying to envision how I will proceed with life when there is an Entity that wants to take it.