Prisoner in my Own Body

So the guy that I met with…the one that went through similar experience as me… He invited me over to his house. I thought we would watch a movie and chill maybe have breakfast in the morning. I called to make sure he still wanted to hang out and although he kept saying we were going to have sex I thought he was just joking about being a horn ball. The first time I went over he didn’t answer and I was so pissed. Cause it was freezing and I paid for a cab to get there. I quickly went back home pissed thinking of every scenario as to why he would not answer the door. But knowing the main reason he fell asleep. 

4am the guy texted me and said he was so sorry and this just ruined his weekend cause he also lost his phone as well. I had this idea in my head that I would finally get out of the house….watch a movie …. Sleep next to someone and have breakfast in the morning. He begged me to come over and … I wanted to make him happy since he had a crappy weekend. I told him the only way I’m going over is if he pays for the cab since I spent money both ways. The Entity Eli (I call him Eli now) said I shouldn’t go. But I had this image in my head of what my happiness would look like for a moment… And I wanted to feel it.I was even going to bring the dragon fruit I bought to share with him. But alas I’m extremely naive. But that’s no excuse at this point. 

I get to his place again…. I get there and he wasn’t outside like he said he was. The Entity said “I told you not to go”. I quickly thought this was a prank and was like what’s wrong with this guy who does this to girls for fun?! I called this time he picked up and said he had gone to the store real quick. Here I thought OK breakfast like he said. 

We get in his room and make out a bit and then put some Netflix on. 5 mins into it he starts begging for sex and I told him to stop …. He did then started begging again. He said he shared things with me he hasn’t shared with anyone (the experience) and that meant something to him. Said he choose me when he can get a woman from anywhere. I told him I hadnt chosen him yet. I won’t go into any details… But essentially we had sex…. As soon as we were done like the very moment we were done … He looked away and said that I should leave because he didn’t want his roommate to know he had a guess and he wasn’t sure if he could. In my head I was like why would you invite me over if you weren’t sure about roommates? But I didn’t say anything ….. I just started crying as I got dressed …. He said he wanted me to come back during the day…. But I told him I was never going to see him again… He texted as I left…. But …. Everything was already ruined..and I haven’t/ won’t text back again. I just didn’t expect that at all. Maybe begging for sex but kicking me out with in the next breath I did not I was there maybe less than 30mins. 

The Entity knew I was vulnerable and started doing his thing…… Images, ex (“twin flame”) , making me feel like shit…. Cause I already felt like shit. I went home ate two breakfast hot pockets, helped sister a few times and went to sleeo. My sister asked me what happened ….. I lied cause I was ashamed. 

Part of my recovery ….. My healing is trying to find my happiness .  Relationships …. Friendships or romantic normally made me happy, breaking the monotony of my daily life of sleep eat and helping my sister…. I just wanted something different and would make me happy. But I take accountability for the decision I made…. I should have left. When I got home the Entity Eli made fun of me and said, “there you have a son”…. Even though I know for a fact I’m not even close to being pregnant. 

I know that happiness is a key part of my motivation…. Living with family where I have no choice in what I hear, see, smell…eat sometimes, do. …. I feel like I don’t have a choice …. And the one I do have currently is not good one for anyone. I can’t leave, for my sister, my mom who had a heart attack..  For me just yet because I don’t have a job. Because I’m trying to be a relief. But staying up all night …. How could I have a job during the day?

I feel like I’m in a prison, not only in my environment but also in my own body, because the same for my environment is currently the same for my body. The Entity Eli sends me thoughts, visions, feelings/emotions, sensations, senarios, and smells, ect. And as much as I try to heal… To fix it, to make it stop. It doesn’t. So I’m not living the life that I want at all. Not even a little bit. But I’m living…. With my basic needs met. I can’t even live for my sister because I tell her to eat right and do her exercises and she doesn’t. So I’m just here to wipe her ass. And if I was a nurse or that brought me great joy … Or maybe if this entity was not here…. Maybe…. Maybe

The Entity says often, “I don’t care who she is!” … Sometimes he said, “Do you know who you are?” I reply with my name like any “sane” person. But I have no idea what he means when he says these things.

I try to approach thing differently but nothing is really changing. I feel disrespected…. Environmentally, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually….. 

I shouldn’t have gone. I shouldn’t have allowed him to bring me down with his own desires…. We weren’t align in our desires.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s