All in check

There are days when I feel like I have everything in order and ready to progress. Move forward. 

I have my list trying to put my health first, family and happiness next…. and then something…. some energy, some film, comes in and doubt sets in…. trying to reach goals through depression. 

I was use to being happy completing my tasks…. any task… scrubbing floors to speaking in front of crowds of people it didn’t matter. 

I made a life map….. and went to my first day back at the gym… and was walking around more lately and it hurts… 6 months of inactivity hurts a lot. I’m starting there…. I’m trying to be social….. trying is all I can do. 

Trying to forgive…. myself and this entity. I’m still trying to make sense of it because I don’t want this to happen again… learn what I needed to learn from it…. but there are days I am unsure it will ever make sense…. there are days I laugh at the situation….. or cry…. believe it or not the entity is kinda funny when he is not trying to make me feel like shit.

I’m still a little lost as the direction. I have wants in front of me…. I want to be healthy and happy,  my sister to be healed, I want love in my life, I want a life/ family of my own, I want my family to be taken care of. I am thankful that my family got through 2016, barely but we did and grew stronger together. But there is a deeper level of healing that needs to happen other than survival. And part of me is afraid I will be stuck in the rut with them…. not changing anything. Or maybe I shouldn’t feel guilt for needing to have a healthier environment…. or maybe I’m just selfish, because leaving before we are healed is not right…. and yet another hamster wheel begins. 

My mom told me you can’t change someone you can only change yourself…. so I’m trying to take the steps to do so…. 

I’m just unsure of the direction…. the foundation. I need solid ground after what has transpired over the last couple of years. 

But that’s life right.

Nothing is guaranteed ……. or is it? 

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