I know classic signs of depression is change in behavior. Which I get. Iean if that was the case I was depressed with my ex cause even I told him I wasn’t acting like myself. I felt more compulsive/ angry than normal.
I feel empty…. Not a bad empty …. Just empty. All the things I love are stripped away. The pleasure in the most mundane things …. Don’t bring me the same joy. Its sad…. I know I’m not happy… But in an indescribable state.
To have your home, love, job, health, friends, creative expression, thirst for knowledge, pleasures, some beliefs, vices stripped. To be left with a body and a mind a barely have control over. Then what?
Right now I do not feel like I am living for myself. My wants or needs …. I mean basic needs are met…. But those thing you put on a life map…. No. I live right now for my sister who had a stroke…. I unfortunately live for this entity as well. Its literally a rock and a very very very hard place.
I’m secretly waiting for the moment I can press go, my sister is healed and this entity is gone so i can stop having thoughts of my ex (amoung other things) constantly and I can move on and live for me…. I can’t say what I want yet… But I want it to be out of love and I want to be happy.
I’m not sure what’s happening. Or direction. Its calm. … I don’t trust it. Now will I ever trust happy?
The house is filled with sounds of old TV shows… Christmas lights up…. No one on the street… I haven’t learned to trust calm … Cause there was always a curve ball.
Empty …. Disappointed…. On gaurd … Is the only way I can describe this state.