Trying to stay Positive 

So I am taking the rest of 2016 to map out goals in an extensive schematic and reorganize my life. I might have bit off more than I can chew cause as I was going through paper work … Which I ignored, mostly because I was drowning in the situation of hearing a voice and I slept most of my day away. 

So I came across an insurance denial letter from my insurance which means I owe 65k for two weeks in the hospital. I over looked this cause I was not in the frame of mind but what can I do? 65k would be 2 years of work. 😩 and I had to quit my job because of this. 

So I felt myself slipping back into the ….. “Hole” let’s call it. Trying not to get consumed by the anger and frustration. I found myself getting upset with my mother since most of this “fear” stems from her and she was the one that told me to go to the hospital. But I caught myself from getting upset at her because I’m a fucking adult …. And I have to be accountible. Its no ones fault. At none that I can see……. Except. ..  maybe the entity. 😒

It’s like soon as I see the light at the end of the tunnel ….. Either an unwelcomed hand reaches for me …. Or someone flips the switch all together.

So I was laying down and reading up on some paper organizing methods and the “entity” gave me …. Let call it a “vision” of my job… So like when I was filing things…. And did a good job at it. But immediately went to a vision of my ex “twin flame” which is totally unrelated and random. Now… If you’ve read my posts I actually “gave him up” because of this entity thing. I had no idea what was going on and the only way to figure out one thing was to stop looking at his social media and communications. It sucks because I think we could have actually been friends at least starting out on social media. But it is what it is. I didn’t want to feed this entity anymore info about my ex. So I wrote one last email letting him kinda know what I am going through and blocked him…. For both our goods. Will I admit that I secretly want him to go out of his way … show up to my building, and cure this disease …. To have all the answers … Give me the biggest hug and stand with me as I battle this. YES. The unfortunate and pathetic answer is a big ol YES. But the reality…. The adult logical answer, the most practical answer is NO…. Its not going to happen. He has too much pride…  And I’m hanging on by a feather. 

Entity said slowly, low in volume with a dash of fear sprinkled in there, “There is no (ex’s name) in you story.”

I’m like cool theeeeeeeeeeeeeeen stop saying his name 100+ times a day?

Its been hard to forget about him and move on. Like forget dating just moving on period, getting my life together. Like turning on the faucet to wash my hands shouldn’t remind me of him… But I am constantly reminded of him by this entity.

Trying…… Trying hard…. 

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