I actually want to know how I do not have control over my mind, emotions and body currently.
I mean yes I do…. I can get up for the most part, I can realize when a “thought” or “feeling” is being “planted”. I do have choice …… sometimes….
But how the fuck is this even happening?
How can something even have access to my thoughts? How can something plant something there? (You run with it or you don’t) How can something make me see things I’ve never seen, that aren’t mine?
How can something send tingles up my leg, burns, pressure on my head, thumping on my chest, jolting me out of my sleep, putting me to sleep? How can I smell scents that are not there? See flashes and sparkles, some times strikes that are not “real”?
I remember when I was younger people would say when your ears ring it means someone is thinking about you…. And you say the letter of the alphabet until it stops to find out who it is. My ears are ringing constantly!
How can something make me drunk on love? And fear in my heart, anger… Pain… False… And random?
How does it split in two? Seemingly.
How can something “talk” to me all day and it not be there? How can something lie to me all day? Nameless?
I want to know how and why and what…… equally as I want it gone. I think that’s natural. But I’m willing to give up my curiosity for freedom from this thing.