Desire


“​Your presence is contradicting your desire” some said to another member in a group. This really struck a cord because I realized that my current state of being grossly condridicts and misaligns with what I desire. 

In an ideal world I wouldn’t desire at all. I saw somewhere the trick is to, “not desire, without desiring to not desire.” Tricky huh? 

But I am human.

Currently I live with my family. I thought it would only be temporary so I could finally find a place with out roommates (roommate struggle is real). Only to be forced to quit my job, and help take care of my sister who had a stroke 24/7.  This is not what I pictured for my life at all. Its been difficult for me to adjust to 3 people telling me what to do (but that fam). I just feel stuck because I feel guilty. Because I could never leave them this way. I just want my sister to get better. Which is a huge part of my desire. But its life right?… Just when you think you have it in your palm everything desolves. The wants always seem to desolve and the “fears” ironically love to remain. 

Another huge part is my Twin Flame. I desire to be with him to be held. Its new for me to have this linger so long. I didn’t have a choice in loving him…. I just did. And when I tried to stop it he was there and when I accepted it he is gone. It hurts to desire him. It hurts. Even when I’ve tried to detatch myself from desiring him… There are echoes… That I’m afraid overflow my mind (usually not that of my own). I wake up and go to sleep thinking about him. And its crazy…. Because I genuinely want to let go. And let go all of it. 

My health has declined since my “kundalini awakening” my blood pressure is through the roof cause in stressed from hearing voices/ changing my reality, not knowing if the future will ever match my desires/ my essense, and jumping up out my sleep through out the night to help my sister. I desired to live in an environment that allowed to me to live the lifestyle that I found works best for me (no smoking, vegan, no/less sugar/moderate activity). I need to get back to the gym but my legs have been burning, and knocking and tingling so its for me to go back to running.  

Tears form again. Uhg I’m so tired of crying. I actually had a good day last night. My Soulmate took me out for mesuem and a diner. Which was appreciated because I needed to get out of the house.

But I guess so many of my desires are not aligned with my present situation. Its not to say I font find moments of clarity. Try to motive my self and my sister (she resists eating healthy and working out, its a lot of begging). 

Being thankful…. Is suppose to be somewhere in here. I hate feeling stationary. 

But we pray because in a way we desire for our circumstances to change. Right? 

The bible say, “The lord is my Shepard and I shall not want”, or like that whole desire quote above. I guess just flowing we can live (or always live in thanks). But when things are ripped from us …. We pray, we create plans, we make a wish, law of attraction, positive thinking, whatever to live the life we desire. 

Is it wrong? 

I’m trying to accept the here and now while making small steps to the life I want. And that is both my sister and I (whole family really), but for us to be healthy and a full recovery for my sister. I’ve heard of people recovering after year but I ….. Idk… That’s my first priority…. I can’t think past that other than my own list of to dos.

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