Following Love

My soul mate recently entered my life hard core stepping in with a strength I never saw before. 

Although this spirit wanted me to not see anyone while it birated me, I’m kinda done… With this. I went through hell and coming out with high blood pressure and post traumatic stress disorder (to put is simply).

I over the year stayed to myself…. Isolated myself… I tried dating again … Just to get out of my head… But I wanted to take my time and not be sexual because I was vulnerable and this spirit was threatening me. 

Either way that relationship didn’t work out for long. But I learned that I don’t know how to say NO. Cause I feel bad about the other person feeling rejected. 

Its something I need to work on. 

But my soulmate stepped in… I’m not sure how this will relate with my “twin flame”. Love was not, has not been served. Just a lot of pain and chaos. I wanted to wait for my TF. Then waiting for him turned into waiting for me.

Waiting for who I know myself to be to return. But my environment and reality has changed so I must now learn to survive once again under these circumstances with out loosing myself or my goals. 

The only thing is that I’m afraid of interacting with my soulmate because I don’t want to hurt him. Im not fully healed … And its like I don’t want to exchange this bullshit energy with him. But at the same time I want to go in the direction of love. 

My soul mate and I are great friends. Always supportive of each other even after breaking up. I’ve always have been confused if my soulmate is really my TF and my TF is just a karmic one. 

But at the same time, trying to figure out everything and all this negativity is just confusing. And love is simple. Love is…

I still and will always love my TF.

At the same time my self live was deminished. I’m not sure if I’m suppose to just learn to love myself in this state of everything being stripped away. Learn to rebuild yet again. 

I put my trust in God because I don’t have the answers. I am just use to flowing. 

On the topic of self love… All the parts of myself were shown to me… Twisted…manipulated .. Shamed…. Humiliated…. Harmed… If I didn’t feel shame… Then emotions of fear were invoked so I would feel something. Done enough times you start to believe. 

Is it fair to show up to my soul mate this broken? Should I wait until I’m healed more… But he loves me and I him no matter what energy we are in. 

Is it self care to allow his love in to heal me?. Or am I to learn to that on my own? I mean that is why we have family and friends as well…. This is why we look for ourselves in other in groups and forums. To validate the love that is inside of us… To serve as a reminder in darkest hours of someone’s life.

Love is God…. Love is healing … Love has always been my religion. 

But I am open to understanding other forms of love. Maybe one day I will understand and see the love that was in this TF thing.

But for now …. I feel the need to move in the direction of love as it presents itself clearly.

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