Ugly

During my “kundalini” awakening, the spirit/voice made everything hyper hyper sexual. This made looking at social media or even walking down the street extremely difficult.

“She’s prettier than you.” He would say. “She looks young.” Only I live in a city and everyone my eyes would meet there was a comment on. This made existing difficult. I hid in my house, forcing my self to sleep to get away from this experience.

When I took the spiritual bath around the beginning of the year. Because I didn’t know what was happening , I prayed to God to please remove this attachment. I also asked to be beautiful. (Stupid I know), I just felt so distraught from crying everyday…. And my esteem was so sub below I just wasn’t use to this. The things that I thought made me “beautiful” soon made me feel ugly amplified. They were in question… Twisted… And manipulated into something else. 

The spirit/voice told me to cut my hair…. I ended up cutting all my hair in hopes it would stop. I miss my hair. But it is what it is. The spirit would say, “she sure looks ugly.” “Don’t look in the mirror.” “She looks like a boy.”, “I guess I’m gay now.” Just to name a few. I agreed just because no was tired of fighting for my esteem. I don’t have the highest but I also didn’t think so poorly of myself. 

“He doesn’t want you!” (The spirit would say about my TF)

“He found someone more beautiful that he loves, it is not you!”

I had lost about 100lb in the previous years being happy and where I wanted to be … Not to say there wasnt any struggle. I was finding it harder and harder to do so as things crumbled around me and depression set in from this experience. Previously I would look at fitness/ plus size model Instagram trying figure out how to sculp my body the way I wanted to. I didn’t want to be too thin. 

The spirit would tell me to “RUN!”, I didn’t , I was weak from my energy feeling zapped. I was tired if this spirit telling me what to do with no positive outcomes. I was afraid that I would get sick… Because my head always felt like there was pressure and pain. 

“I made a bet on this.” He said in reference to me loosing more weight fast. But when I fasted (for my sister) he said, “I hope she gains it all back.” 

I also went on a sexual rampage and lost my mind. I wanted to find someone else to stop the pain …. The constant crying. The pain of low self esteem and separation. My TF moved on so I was trying to do the same. Only I fucked up… In the reasons why I was connecting with these people. My motivations weren’t pure or clear…. Even if they were sexual. 

The spirit voice … Would call me a whore all day…. And make fun of my sexual past. Though most of it I had come to terms with. 

“Why did God bless this whore?!”

Generally not having a job, or money, that means not being able to take care of myself in the ways I taught myself, not having hair, body going hay wire, no control over my physical, material, mental, emotional, energetic or spiritual wellbeing got me feeling UGLY!

I remember my TF asked me,”What do I most like about myself?” Though I thought maybe my eyes I said my motivation. My intentions and motivation in doing what I do and at least the attempt in being honest and clear in that. 

Most of all, what makes me weep at night is my loss of innocence. Things seen that I can’t un-see, thoughts that broke me that flashback like a war vet anytime there is a trigger. I don’t know if that is something I can ever get back after (if there is an after) , all of this.

At least it was me I could feel accountable.

Not feeling like the self that I knew myself to be how can I possibly be authentic? Sincere, no predisposition, just in the moment and positive? When I’m being told many different futures… When I have to sort through the lies.

He said, “I took away everything, I’m almost done.” 

UGLY. 

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