The Lord is my Shepard


Before I understood what was happening (still don’t) , I was laying on the my parents sofa about 6 months after my TF and I broke up.  A spirit/voice said “bless this house”. I had no idea what was happening, but I had prayed and thought they were angels or prayers from fellow coworkers (telepathy). Dumb I know. 

Since that day there was a downward spiral in my life and the health of my family. During the dillusion/illusion I was told “don’t want for anything”, for the most part I complied I stopped shopping and tried to live simply. Just getting to work and breakfast.

There was a lot that happened in between. But for some reason I thought this was a special connection between me and my “twin flame”. There were so many synchronicities… Or seemingly so. 

 A voice said kept asking me, “What do you want? A car, a new house?” 

I kept saying I want for nothing for months. The spirit voice said “No one has never asked for nothing, that’s how we end this show.”

After being constantly asked this question, going through a living nightmare at work (another story), and being tormented before I went to sleep. I finally just said “A HOUSE!”

The spirit said “who would want a house in this economy. Wouldn’t you want ….. (My Twin Flames name)?”

I remembered when I had asked my TF what was his intentions he explained he didn’t have any. He had asked me, “What do you want?” I said, “You.”…. I asked him the same question and he said “You.”. In a way it was romantic but never clarified what was going on between us. 

I thought that this was the point of the experience. I thought this was how it would end. I wanted it to end.

Later I went to a psychic and she told me to ask the spirit its name. Later when he came to me I asked, “what is your name?” He named my TF. Although suspicious, I believed him anyway. Again because of the sancronicities… And seemingly telepathy. 

But it wasnt, the spirit moved on to the next “show” or “play” that he had in mine. As I tried to heal he would pick the wound by parroting my TF voice. Taking me down the rabbit hole of self loathing, that my TF wasn’t with me because he found someone prettier that he loves. This contributed to my obsession. I wanted proof. 

“The lord is my Shepard, I shall not want.”, did I mess up there? Was that the correct answer? Should I never had told him, I simply wanted him, no frills, no games.

It wasn’t until my cuzin sent out a prayer request for our family recently saying “the lord is my shepard and I shall not WANT”. 

Did I mess up for wanting a man? With out foundation of God. I always had my own way of celebrating God. And for the most part it was in the things I did and how I treated people . But after I met my TF I started acting different. I even told him I don’t normally act this intense or erratic. There was an anger rising in me almost every other week. And for the most part I can hold things in until I fully understand how to approuch it. 

Maybe I fucked up. I mean I surely did in so many ways. I’m not perfect but unconditional love is…..  

? …. Idk now. 

I was taken from loving my TF maybe childishly…. To separation…. To trying to move on but incorrectly, then moving on by myself… Then being swayed back into being focused on him through this spirit acting like him…. Then being made to feel bad for loving him. So I was tossed around a lot. So I’m not sure how to feel…. And trying to discern my own. It’s almost hard to feel anything anymore just because again… Discerning is exhausting. 

Either way this spirit has a hold on me. I felt like someone was choking me and pressure on my head. It wasn’t the first time. ( see my post on “curses”)

 I took my blood pressure and it was the highest I have in all of my life. Normally my bp was actually perfect. I drank some garlic tea and hoped for the best. 

He said “Said say your prayers, you go tonight.” I passed up on saying prayers when he told me to as he normally tries to distract me by changing my words or the meaning. 

Whatever. Its in Gods hands.

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