Super moon

I can’t see the super moon.

I live in a city with with tall buildings.

I look outside I see people and hear echoes of conversations. 

I must stay inside many days in a row to take care of my sister who had a stroke.

I left one night for a walk and she fell.

My mom had a heart attack and my father open heart surgery. 

I can’t leave. 

Im trying not to fall into depression. 

My sister said”I hope nothing happens to you because we need you.” And they do. But I became enraged because she didn’t want anything to happen to me because she needed something from me. She needed my care. Not because she simply wanted me to be healthy. And I told her that. 

When I would beg her to eat healthy and to work out with me…. It was purely for the intent of her well being. When I prayed for her for the last 8 months it was for her wellbeing. It wasn’t until I saw her resistance to trying to get better that I feel resentment building in me.

Now I pray for patience and strength to be able to pick her up. I pray for my own healing. I pray that God will change her mindset around health. But they say you can’t change other people … You can only change yourself. I’m trying but its a swim up stream… And any time I get my head wrapped around refocusing… Some crisis happens… Or I am tormented by the spirit voice… Darkness.

The paradox that my family kicked me out when I was young because I was gay. And now I’m here only by some “cosmic intervention” …. Because they need someone to clean and take care is… Unfortunate.

I want to change my mindset around it. I want to be stationed and anchored in love. But so much change is being asked of me …. And folks can’t even try to get healthy. It hurts. 

So I can’t go see the moon. 

Its too far away. 

Guilt awaits me if I try to leave and do something for me. 

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