More Obsession

Not sure how to deal with it.

I was standing in the kitchen, a feeling very similar to when my twin flame were being intimate and I cried. I could feel it inside and almost cried. It was painful, comforting, made me nauseous. I knew exactly what the feeling was. This was the second time it happened in the week. 

The voice said, “Do you remember that one?”

I did. I felt uncomfortable feeling that in that moment. I wasn’t with him and I am still unsure of everything that is going on. 

While this spirit has quieted down. I still feel him in my body. I know when he is persuading my thoughts. Everything I think goes back to my twin flame and not by choice. Trying to understand what happened. What’s happening.

But often the seed is planted and I find myself having this “inner dialogue” , I could be thinking about a grocery list and then it like a random thought of him comes in and then if I don’t catch myself it turns into a inner argument about something. And I have to constantly catch myself from allowing this anger to build I side of me. Its not the thought process I want am use to. 

I am turned off from this experience. Though I am still fighting for my spark of life. 

And I still fb stalk him. Its a form of comfort in all of this. I’m kinda obessesed with finding out who he got with at his office. Or if he is happy. Truly happy with out me. Because I am miserable with out him. But I have gone so deep into this experience that my misery is much deeper than him. It has morphed into something very dark. 

But there is a part of me that still wants the comfort of my twin flame. And there is this other part of me that feels like my energy…. Is yuck. Like who would want to be around that? 

That yuck turns into a poor image of myself. He is not with me because I’m not pretty enough… Because I’m not thin enough, rich enough, successful enough. 

So…. I’m not sure when or how this will end. Although I secretly want to be back with him. But in a way I’m a different person. And I want my joy back. 

I get moments of joy….moments of motivation and they quickly disintegrate. 

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