I have been forced into chastity by this spirit/voice through various forms. Mostly a living nightmare. But essentially “turning me off”. Even though I had made a packed with myself at the beginning of the year to give myself some time to heal. I held it up for about 9 months and tried dating again to be social. But I’m a dumb bitch …. And I fell into a sexual situation / relationship again. 

After communicating my needs to the guy I was dating (which was to wait) he continued to push sex…. And I felt bad…. Like it was my fault…. Like it wasn’t fair. He had a long week at work… And wanted pleasure for the weekend. He probably looked forward to it all week…. So… I understand it on a basic level. 

On a spiritual level it was not sitting well with me. The days that I needed to take care of myself mentally or emotionally … He was upset because I canceled the weekend and wasn’t there. He even ended up blowing up at me the day before my grandmas funeral. 

So as much as he said he was there for me. I thankfully realized he wasn’t …. At least at the level I need. I’m not mad… I had fun… We did go out… Took my mind off my sister for a moment. But it wasn’t it. 

I have had partners talk about marriage + kids…. Whether they want them or not. And I guess that’s what people talk about. But I want profound love. Otherwise to me there is no point in talking about any of that unless its a part of a bucket list of things to check off. 

Does true love wait? Or do we keep learning our lessons? Maybe its not worth it to learn our lesson …. Ain’t that some heavy baggage. 

So….. I’m waiting…. Not sure on what exactly. Or why. There are days when this whole twin flame thing seems like total BS…. And other days when it makes total sense. But for the most part I haven’t been with anyone for going on 10 months.

Food, cigarettes and sleep are my comforts to replace the warm body of my “twin flame”. slowly trying to get back to eating healthyblike I use to. Having a hard time with the cigarettes. 

Sleep is my only solace. In hopes one day I will wake up back to “normal” or somewhere close to it. 

Sex was a comfort that I shared with two people I felt I had a connection to. I went looking for that comfort in hopes of having it on a consistent basis with people who just were not it. 

At the same time I had never did anything like that. So it is telling to the level of hurt I received from my “Twin Flame” and soul mate. Regardless I should have used discretion.

Im kinda in the dark about how to proceed . 

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