Tear do nothing

I have been trying not to cry. Only because no have cried so much over the last year. People say let it out…. But I now associate it with this experience that I had/ have with the spirit voice. That maybe if I didn’t cry so much that this thing wouldn’t have been able to get me…. Or maybe something in my system just cracked. 

I watched a music video that my ex of 6 years (the one I dont think is my TF) and I started to cry. It was the first time I cried about the departure of our relationship even though we have managed to stay friends for 3 years now. I listened to the lyrics and wondered if he knew it was time for us to break up. In general its a sad song idk why is was stupid and allowed myself to watch it. But it was the first time I missed the comfort of our relationship. 

I had a decent day with a friend and I was telling her that I had a hard time applying what I thought I learned in my previous relationship to the one I thought was my twin flame. Then what I thought I learned with my twin flame to this new guy I dated. And its just like maybe I’m missing something. Trying to not go too fast, but still be open. Trying to be open, but still being honest. Trying to be honest, but still letting go. 

Its like trying to shove a square in the star shape. 

I went and had a cigarette. Tried to calm down. My sister (who is incapacitated) was sitting up in bed uncomfortable.. . the lights were off..  I saw the bags under her eyes…  Hair cut from being in the hospital too long … In pain. And I started to cry again trying to hold it back because I feel helpless. Like I can’t change her eatting habits or way of life and I got real scared.

In the height of my dillusion/ kundalini whatever I said I would switch bodies with her if I could. Idk make it healthy and then give it back to her or something completely impossible like that. But I meant it. 

I know I have been complaining about being back at my parents and giving up almost everything. Am I allowed to have my feelings? Frustrations? 

If the “universe/spirit” is scolding me for not being greatful isn’t that the same frustration? Am I allowed to come to my own understanding organically? 

I’m tired of crying. … It doesn’t do much. Just makes me afraid that this spirit/voice feeds off of it. 

I can’t wait to cry tears of joy. Ones where my sister is better. One where my love is returned. Another for when I feel happy again in my own skin. 

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