Obsession 

I’m kind of disgusted with myself. And yet no clearing, prayer, meditation or spell has broken that. 

A former “lesbian” obsessed with the first man she has ever loved who does not want to be with her. 

If we want to put things in a box. 

None of it feels good. It has a film of yuck. I dont wantbto be in my own skin anymore…. Or i want a do over where i dont listen ti that fucked up voice/spirit. 

I have my bouts of Facebook stalking. If I don’t see him active I assume he is with his girlfriend laying in bed cuddling. And it triggers………. It triggers.

It started out because I couldn’t understand the intense feeling. Didn’t trust it… Couldn’t trust it…. And that voice/ spirit .. . would whisper…. He has kids…. He’s lying to you…. He’s seeing someone else….. He’s ashamed of you…he’s looking at her…. A lot of negative thoughts.  

And while my reactions did not reflect this whisper…. I did lurk every inch of the internet looking for clues like I was Thema with ADD on a Scooby doo mystery. This mistrust along with the voice planting seeds of mistrust.. . only fed my obsession. I wanted to be right…. Or wrong…. Or soothed…. I wanted a conclusion to these insane thoughts that where coming into my mind about my TF. 

And I’m still obsessed. 1 year later. I’ve never taken this long to get over someone. I asked myself why I wasn’t obsessed with my ex of 6 years who generally treated me well and loving. Maybe it was because we were both young…. And not jaded. Doe eyed. 

I was still doe eyed when I met my “TF”. I did proceed with verbal caution…. Totally forgetting about my heart. Nothing was aligned. Heart was ahead of it self…. Body was in the future …. Mind reverted back to a 5 year old throwing a tantrum ….  

So…idk.

There where never straight or affirming answers. As much as I tried to communicate my fears. This fed my obsession.

The voice/spirit said “I love you” this only fed my obsession…. 

Nothing was aligned ….. And it completely tore my world apart. I was no longer “Ms. Perfect”. Not because I actually thought I was perfect ….. But I was acting in ways that did not feel like myself. .. Which I wasn’t use to. So I couldn’t excuse them…  I couldn’t connect to them. 

I’m like …. Why the fuck did I do that? 

Especially if it only causes me pain.

Why couldn’t I take that same obsessive energy and be obsessed with myself …  In a non narcissistic way? 

Bottom line…. I miss him (TF) and secretly wish for us to be back together. 

Bottom line…  it doesn’t make sense to have space for someone who doesn’t want me.

I’m unsure how to manage these two conflicting paths. 

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