Through out this whole expierence I have encountered a lot of guilt and shame. Some of which is mine, some of which is not mine (society, religion, taboos etc). 

While I believe in God …. I have had a hard time with religion since I was very young. I remember I was with my grandma at the age of maybe 5-8 years old and I told her that all the religions kinda seemed the same. She said “you have to have faith.” That stuck with me and morphed into many different meanings for me through out my life but definitely this moment of my life. 

I mean even with in a sect of a religion in the same church their are diffent understandings or beliefs from each individual. We commune because there is a common bond but their are different understandings all in the same room. 

I tried to imagine a world with out our differences in culture, race, religion. I look to some and see how beautiful they are whether in message or ritual. I look at nature and see how each tree is still a tree only shaped differently … But still a tree. So what would our would look like if we all believed in the same thing and acted accordingly? 

I believe in the power of love and forgiveness. But what those other less happy, darker, less desirable sometimes unbearable parts?

I am not enlightened. 

I saw a meme on Instagram saying essentially if you are “conscious”(hotep) going to church you look stupid. While I subscribe to some of the messages, I also respect that of the church. And have also seen the interconnectedness of both if not most. Which is why I choose to respect and understand as much as I can. 

I have leaned towards Christianity as of lately because I grew up Christian. .. Because of prayer… But struggle with faith as a definitive this is all you need. Church, Bible, Jesus. 

Maybe many religions tried to find a path to God, laws and orders, and it is just depending on the region, culture or what personally resonates. Its not until the message is then put in the minds and hands of men does it become impure. 

And we struggle …. Filtering out the impurities as they are taught to us. Even down to the “teachers”. Do we honor these impurities just the same?

How do we get down to the simplicity of the messages …. As a complicated being living in a complex world. How do we do this with out negating the fact that there are terrible things happening in the world right down to our bodies. Not living in a bubble. 

This voice/ spirit drudged up past things I have done down to when I was a child. Things I forgot about. Things I  though embarassing I healed and forgave ….

I’m a sinner in a sin. But complexity is that is not all I am. I am more than just a sin or just a sinner. What that more is … Is what I’m really trying to understand. 


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