It started off with feeling miner shifts… in the network… nudges… hunches…”cosmic energies” then what i thought was telepathy…. with the person I love…. it was in a way…. then the “veil” being lifted.
Guess what’s been with you all along? Still don’t know completely.
I didn’t think that I would be going through a full on “third eye” “kundalini” “schizophrenic” episode…. whatever whatever maybe it all explains the same thing ….. maybe it doesn’t.
But my joy is gone.
I mean I find moments of meh… crack a smile here and there… make a joke for my sister. But mostly sleep all day long waiting for the day things will change… Even if I wanted to fly by the seat of my pants like I have normally done most of my life surviving…. and create a plan …..all signs are leading to NO. Or a big wait sign.
I am impatient. I am so impatient. And depending on perspective …. it can be a good or a bad thing. Receiving….. bad thing… giving good thing… maybe… I mean I got things done fast… anytime there was a crisis… I made things happen fast. No time to waste. And now I sit at home watching time pass by…. Waiting for the green light. Waiting to be whole. Waiting for this to all make sense.
The love is gone.
I know we are suppose to focus on self love. And I did. I had a somewhat healthy esteem …. gone. I cut my hair… I miss it. It is what it is. It will grow back… hopefully. The spirit told me to cut my hair …. I went all the way and Buzz cut it like I was getting ready for the military. And in a sense I was. Whether self imposed or infected I did not have control over what was / is happening in my life or even my mind… My body.
It’s not where I thought I would be …. with all the positive thoughts one could have…. nope. I thought I would finally get a place of my own and stop with this roommate mess… raise at my job… loose more weight and instead the very opposite happened.
But I am grateful. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and family. I’m suppose to be grateful. It’s only I feel stuck here. Both from from my own current limits as well as a sense of family obligation. I don’t like feeling stuck. Waiting.
Head went from the clouds to the pit of hell in a very short period of time. And now things are calm….ish. Like night time. Like 4am calm. If you are lucky.
And it hurts to have to keep starting from scratch.