The Curse

“You know I curse in advance, so you better start cooking.”

All day I wait on my sister who is disabled or sleep. She calls me about ever 30 mins 1hour if I’m lucky. She doesn’t listen to me (in terms of body care and exercise) so I’m just here to do whatever she wants me to do.

I am struggling to get back to being healthy in my parents house where the food is not really healthy. Delicious but not healthy…. I should be greatful to eat at all. I … In efforts to get back to me for a few moments.. . I just wanted to cook a healthy meal and listen to some music. Bout it. I had to drop everything to take care of my sister and my mom came in with an attitude. I’m trying to walk on egg shells with my mom since my grandma passed cause I know that shit is hard. 

Since I moved there I started eating meat like every day because I didn’t want to offend my mom and they don’t like the veggies I eat. But I started gaining weight which only added fuel to the spirit/voice and my own depression. 

Im the only one that doesnt have a room so all I hear is 3 TVs and one computer blaring from every room in the house all day long. Its driving me crazy. I was trying to take night bike rides to relax but I noticed my mom wasn’t hearing my sister yell for someone to help her because the TV was so loud or she sleeps with headphones on. So ….. I don’t want to risk her not getting to the bathroom. 

So it comes down to choice…. Which I’m not too sure I have much of. I mean I could leave and be fucked up like when my parents kicked me out at 19 for being queer. And have that whole bullshit play out. I can stay and hope for the best  ….. scared that I will wither away down to a robot not living the life I want to live. 

“Become your aunt j”he said (spirit voice). My aunt being a 65+ year old woman who took care of my grandma until she passed (who also lived her life). So I’m suppose to take care of my family (3adults) with so much resistance, very little space or time  to take care of myself my health and no income and just be happy? I’m still young! Not a youth but young…. Like everyone else is starting their lives …. Their ventures and passion… And I had to drop everything. .. Job possessions, self, and everyone (friends + coworkers + lovers). 

So am I being selfish? 

I know I kinda wallowing in self pity. But life has been this big struggle…. And I finally got to a place with in myself that I liked health, job, sociability for it all to be erased. 

I thought it was suppose to get better. 


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