To some extent I have to accept that this spirit… Entity …. Whatever it is… And has been there is with me.
Even if he quiets down. He is still there turning my face. Tilting my head… And now perverting or persuading my thoughts. Will this happen again? Will I relive hell once again going over “lessons” fears etc that I thought I got over. And is fear really a fear if your body is involuntarily releasing chemicals etc. But its our reaction to the release.
So while I might have gotten over my fears so I thought.. . maybe it was getting over fear itself. Bla bla right?
Point is he’s (spirit) is CRAZY…. I will own the fact that I probably sound and look cray AF because of this experience.
My worry… Is that this cycle will happen again… Housing, job, love loss (almost in that order) and then he pops out with the same story. That he will quiet down, I will forget and think I’m progressing and then bam same story.
Why isn’t he here to help me? Why is he here period? Why is he so negative?
Since he has quieted down …. Now I have to think twice about everything… Sensations in my body, thoughts, what I’m hearing from people.
The magic is gone, kinda…. I often would find the beauty in the world but since. . . this… Having to second guess myself… Protect myself, “there is no protection”. The places I went in my mind for creative form.. Were then made into a sick dillusion. Fed back to me with some twisted shit. Making the special place.. My solace …. A nightmare.
I don’t know if I can go back there again. I tried drawing my logo alien girl and even that was extremely difficult.
So surrender to …. What?
Jump off this hamster wheel…. How?
Loosing sense of self .. For what?
I want to be greatful for my experiences, but at the same time I’m lost as to the point. I’m still myself … Only I hear this spirit …. And I’m less joyous.
I was always pretty basic in my wants/need. Food shelter job loved ones.
Do I have to carry him with me? Does he ever really leave? Is there only an agreement to stay quiet. And even if he stays quiet … Does this mean that I get to make my choices uninfluenced by his demands…or suggestions?
To live a life autonomously? Free of influences from no one else but God?