Layers 

I heard somewhere that “God wouldn’t give you something you can’t handle.”

I haven’t been able to even completely understand what has happened over the last 2 years ( 17 years to be more specific) but the last year has been insane. Like so insane I checked myself into a hospital. 

On Instagram an artist Shawn Coss did a series of drawing speaking on “mental illness” for #inktober. I looked through every drawing saying yea that’s what this feels like…. Maybe its this…. Maybe its that.? I feel like I went through every single mental illness in the last year. 

Its like he sits on the top of my head, a gentle touches it …. Like my mind has been penitrated burned in the most unkind and pervese way. And I have to say NO. No thank you. Please stop. No I will not endure this for my ex (tf) or anyone. “Yes think that.” He would say as he suggests thoughts…. Entices feelings and emotions.

But I tried to trust…. That there is something to this. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel that I could be myself again.

It like everything I am (think i am) and everything I’m not (fears and wants) are all jumbled in this storage and I’m trying to sort through it. Trying to throw it away … But honestly I’m like damn its still sitting in that corner.

Is it easy to call it mental illness? To give it a pill? Is the world of awakening coddling us to fact that we are actually crazy? Or is there more? More that maybe there is somethings we don’t have a choice in. I guess only through awareness we can say. Yes, yes its there.

I’m I to quietly ….. Silently (as suggested) sit with this?  Something that is within and without both silent and oh so loud

My ex  (TF)  asked me one day what was something I liked about myself. I said my motivation. Most people would say their eyes or body …. I said my motivation… Not only for me but for other people…. My motivation and intention when I engage. 

I also know that because I never really thought I was pretty…… I mean… I can take a decent Instagram photo at the right angle but I never thought of myself as quintessential pretty. But I guess I liked my mind for the most part… On the train I would listen to music and create a beautiful dance or painting …. That was my favorite place. 

Motivations and my mind being my “pride” …. Because I like other people couldn’t pride myself in my outer apperance…. Those two things are in serious question now. If not lacking. And there is a level of accountability that I am willing to take for my fears…. wants and perceptions but there is also a detachment…. An observation…. Of what I know as me and what is not. I feel like this thing… This outter force …. This voice with out a name wants to take the last of what I have.

Know thy self? 

Well enough? Do you know yourself well enough to know what’s been lodged… Trapped… Lurking waiting. 

In the movie Spirited Away the “stink spirit” was really a river spirit that had been polluted. This came up for me…. I want to believe that these are just my fears  pouring out… I want to see the good in what I have expierenced. I really do…. I also want to see the end. And by the end I mean living healthy…. Happy…. Back to myself … in control of my life…. Loved… “successful”…. motivated…  Just to be clear.

Was it I who was polluted?

Did my fear pollute this spirit (entity)? 

Does this spirit pollute me?

As I said I want to believe there is good in this.

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