A Dark Secret

I was flipping through channels on the TV and the movie “The Buttefly Effect” the exact moment that the child on the TV said “pedophile father”. I feel like I had seen the movie before but but did not remember the the plot. The movie triggered me, as my father was sitting next to me. 

I grew up with out my father around. My parents divorced when I was about 3 or 4 years old. We moved out of the city when I was about 5 and I lived with my mom and my grandparents. I always held resentment. Secretly when I would walk to school I wanted to think that my father followed us… that he wanted to see my sister and I. I told my mom that I saw a man I. A red car following us and I thought it was my father. It was a lie. I lied but I wanted it to be. 

When I was about 7 years old I went to a slumber party. We were all in the room getting ready to go to sleep and my friends father came into the room to say goodnight like a father would do. But I felt uncomfortable. 

I went home the next day I told my mom about the feeling. I just told her I felt uncomfortable or somewhere along those lines and she gave me a blank stare. Later on my grandparents and my mom where all in the living room and my mom asked me to tell them what what I told her. 

I told them that I felt uncomfortable at the slumber party. And they all gave me blank stares. There was a silence and I started to cry for no reason. I asked what? My grandfather blurted out ,”your father molested you” I not knowing what it meant or I just knew it was bad by the tone of his voice and I just cried. I wasn’t sure what happened after that. They told me not to say anything about it. I told my best friend, and neither of us truly understood what it meant. 

One day I was watching the tv and there was a Dateline episode where a child said he became a child molester because he was molested. It was something along those line. I still didn’t know exactly what it meant but it freaked me out …. like really really freaked me out. I just knew it was bad and I didn’t want to be one. 

I held that with me all my life. 

I became bitter. I think I even scribbled on a picture of my father. I held resentment. In school I even changed my last name.  My father never paid child support and I remember doing calculations with my mom on how much my fathered owed in child support. My mom was a single mom working long hours with two kids. I remember saying why don’t we get the child support. I understood money. 

Some years later my mom contacted my dad or something like that. I think they had been talking on the phone for a little while. One late night I woke up randomly crying and told my mom I had a nightmare. She was on the phone and she told me someone want to talk to me. A voice on the phone asked me “Do you know who this is?” I said no. The voice on the phone said he was my father and I started to cry. He said that he wanted me to know that he never hurt me. He was crying. He mentioned something about going to the beach and building sand castles. I said ok. I was not happy. Still holding resentment. Still not understanding what was going on. I gave the phone back to my mom. My mom told me not say anything to my grandparents. I didn’t. 

I believe they saw each other a few times before I saw him. I remember meeting him but I don’t remember the day. Maybe I should ask him. Soon my grandparents found out and I know my grandfather was really mad. But that was “grown folks bussiness”, my father drove 5 hours almost every weekend to see us. I still held resentment. I still didn’t fully understand what was happening. 

I called my father by his name to disrespect him. One day I we were walking down the street and I called him by his name and he wouldn’t answer me. Finally I called him Dad and I think he got emotional. 

Even though there was resentment…. things we never really talked about. It was just I didn’t do it. Deal with it so everyone else can have a happy life. Figuring out it was… having to trust that it never happened. Still feeling strange. Trying to get over it. I did not honor my father. 

Not at all.

At first my father was sweet. Then as life settled in his anger started to show. It wasn’t abusive but he just would yell about there being no ice or traffic. I wasn’t use to it that type of anger. And I guess after all the bullshit I don’t blame him at all. 

I lived with my family for about 4 years before they kicked me out. That became a whole new layer of healing that needed to happened. I thought I would never see my family again. But when my grandfather passed I made a decision to try to repair my relationship with my family. Slowly I began to repair my relationship with my father. I would go out to the beach and spend time with him when no one else wanted to go. We spoke. But it was always singular … once sentence dropped… vague terms. Resentment was still there. But I tried. I tried. 

Although I told one of my lovers what I had expierenced, I thought I resolved this issue. I had lived on my own 4 or 5 years I remember being in my living room after a break up with my ex a voice whispered, “you’re a child molester… you’re a child molester”. I knew I never did anything to ANYONE. I quickly went went to a therapist…. I figured this was unresolved issues with my father. The therapist rejected me. He got extremely nervous and said he couldn’t help me. I felt bad. Alone…. helpless because I could not understand why this was happening. 

I had noticed now this pattern of job loss, break up, and then this voice comes in and calls me a “child molester”. This has reoccured about 3 times in my life only to have a full blown voices …… visual, audio and physical hallucinations this time.

Some of the hallucinations have been when I look at my father the voice would then say “hmm you like that hun?” And send me a intense sensation over my body. I would then look away from father in shame. All of the work that I had done to forgive my father …. to get over this issue…. to forget… became undon… and a new layer of hell was revealed. “Take this Oedipus for me.” Even though I know that is called Elektra Complex.

The voice just said. “Dont you get it? This is your second life hun. Now go home go ALL the way home (commit suicide)”, ” I don’t care who she is.” (i have no idea what that means). I have a hard time believing anything that this voice/ spirit says. He posed himself as my ex for almost 6 months. He has accused me of things I have not done. Manipulated my feelings. My thoughts…. dreams… Manipulated my reality … My body.  

“I got to run.” He said. But yet he never goes away.

I never had the chance to ever lay it out like that. Do I feel relief? No. Because he is still here.


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