Does depression have a name? 

His name could have been anything.

He came to me in the form of my ex. 

I believed him. 

I made the mistake of believing. 

I gave up everything. My apartment, belongings, job, hair, health, friendahips, love, happiness. So many tears.

The basic necessities to self worth in our culture.

I waited for light at the end of the tunnel. For the nightmare to end.

Relief. In some sort of way.

At night I would feel someone something next to me.

I was directed to the twin flame thing after looking up information on relationships with a narcissist. Whether he was … Is.. Or isn’t… Makes no difference now. However I was torn apart and had to take accountabily for my own obsession with the loss of someone I thought I loved… And trying to figure out where this feeling was coming from. 

Slowly I started to hear a voice(s) …. I thought was my ex and I being spiritually “connected”. It wasn’t all at once… The voice of my ex became voices of people I worked with. They would say negative things all day… It became exhausting to work … Concentrate on my work and health.

I was told to ask for nothing. I took account for this. 

Both my sister and father where in the hospital at the same time …. The stress .. Worry and grief was too much to bare. I prayed I told God I would never talk to my ex if he makes my sister well again. I was washing my hands at the hospital and a voice said “You’ve given up so much already.” 

Walking home before I approached my building this voice said “remember today.”

Everything was a riddle or a rhyme. Confusing and conflicting.

I remember standing in my living room. Once again I was asked as I had me asked so many times before, “What do you want? Nobody has ever asked for nothing. That’s how this ends.”

He said “Don’t you want your ex?”, I was confused… Weak minded. I thought love above all things… I thought that’s how the “show” ends. I thought choosing him was the point of all this. I thought this was how it ended the expierence.

I was weak. Slowly on top of the voices I began to expierence physical hallucinations. Burns, tingles, pinches on my genital. Sensations around the center of my chest and stomach. I would feel my eyes shift as if i didnt have control over them. I felt an icey hot sensation swirly feeling like someone blowing on the center of my forehead. As if my head was being sucked into a vacuum. Here I thought my third eye was opening up that my chakras were being activated. “Ascension” At least that’s what they said on the internet. 

The voices and hallucinations increased. I thought this was some sort of enlightenment. And what I thought was a path of love and light became so dark. 

The spirit continued to impersonate my ex. Said this was a “fish fry” a “pig roast”. I thought quiting my job would solve this that maybe I did in fact burn out. 

I laid on my parents sofa waiting for the nightmare to be done. But it didn’t. I went to psychics, therapy and took medicine. Nothing worked. Nothing gave me a straight answer for what was happening to me. 

He said “Wait for you ex, one year.” But the unwelcomed sensations …. The hallucinations, the banter, accusations, judgment, torture wasn’t worth it. 

Something that started off romantic dillusion became mental anguish…. A living nightmare. 

I didn’t want to wait ….. My ex had moved on… So it didn’t make sense. And I didn’t understand why I was stuck in this place. A personal hell of sorts. I wasn’t use to not getting over someone.

I made the mistake of being promiscuous last year to get over him but that didn’t work it was just a string of bad dates and poor decisions. But little did I know they would come back to haunt me. 

Was this my twin flame? Was this a spirit just playing with me. Slowly I started to realize this may not be my “twin flame”. He could not answer basic questions about my ex. The ones he could were from my memory.  

I then was directed to the “dark night of the soul”…. That this experience was a release of karma … A spiritual test of sorts. But still it didn’t make sense. 

He said, “You have to pay”. He also said he was absolved of sin and that I am full of sin. As much as I tried to live my life right… I am open to the fact that I am not perfect. I can’t be.

I peeled away the layers of personification. To the point all I could do is try to tell the difference between me and whatever it is. What thoughts and memory were/are mine and what is not mine. 

It has been mental hurdles discerning unwelcomed thoughts and “memories” that are not mine. Sensations that I have never felt before. 

All I can do is discern. 

He has no name. 

One thought on “Does depression have a name? 

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  1. Been there. Kundalini with karmic connection, aka “twin.” It got better when I owned my experience and stopped making it about a karmic tie (which is hard as the Dickens to dissolve–you have to melt and forgive yourself for it to get better I have found). Surrender, for as hard as it might sound or seem, was what took me apart and put me back together piece by piece…lots of work, but energetic release and stored trauma release really has helped push it along. Best of luck to you.


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